Marriage
is a scary subject if you’re in your mid-to late-twenties.
Scary,
because if you mention it, bring it up, or talk about
it to the important people in your life, these are the
comments that will come your way:
Mom:
“There’s no rush dear, just make sure you
do it before you’re thirty. If you’re serious
about looking for a man, then maybe you should think
about losing some weight, honey.” (You drop the
cookie you were eating & make a mad dash for the
scale. You read the results and start sobbing, right
there in the bathroom).
Dad:
“No man is good enough for you honey. Be single
for awhile. Build your stock portfolio. Let me put some
money in the wedding fund.” (You realize that
you need to build your stock portfolio because you’ll
be paying for your own wedding when the time comes.
You suspect that Dad spent your wedding money on the
new boat).
Married
Sister/Brother: “Don’t worry. In
good time, the person you want will come along. I remember
when I met Brady….” (You sigh. Now you’re
stuck listening to the story of how they first met...For
the 30th time!).
Single
Sister: “Marriage. Yuck. You just need
to get laid. Let’s go clubbing.” (You raise
your eyebrows, agree, and then go to find your sluttiest
outfit in hopes of attracting a man. Then you realize
how sad it is that you have to dress like a slut to
meet a man. You start crying.).
Single
Brother: “You better not marry that deusch-bag
you were dating last year. That guy was a total loser.
Plus, remember he cheated on you with Betty Friedman?”
(You start sobbing hysterically and you tell your brother
to “get bent”).
Divorced
Sister: “Marriage? Are you kidding me?
Have you not learned anything from my situation?”
(She starts sobbing hysterically & you spend 3 hours
consoling her).
Divorced
Brother: “Marriage? Are you kidding me?
Geez. At least make sure you get half of his stuff when
you get divorced, like my ex-wife did to me.”
(You spend another hour consoling your brother, and
2 hours doing his laundry).
Best
friend (single): “Marriage? You don’t
even have a boyfriend yet! Besides, who is going to
go to the movies with me on Saturday nights, if you
get married? You have to promise me that you won’t
get a boyfriend until I get one. Maybe we can get two
guys that are friends, so we can double date. Or better
yet - brothers! Then when we get married, we’ll
be related…like sisters! We could have a double
wedding!” (You wonder if your best friend is maybe
just a little bit insane, and you look at your watch
and you tell her you have to get going. Right Now!).
Best
friend (Married): “Yeah. That would be
cool if you got married, but be careful. Marriage is
not that great. Do you realize that you have to have
sex with the SAME person for the rest of your life?!
Do you know how boring that gets? I mean, sure I have
someone to take out the garbage and mow the lawn, but,
honey, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
If I had the chance to do it all over again I’d
stay single for the rest of my days. You are lucky!
You get to go home and be alone every single night.”
(You wonder if you should mention the fact that you
told her not to marry that loser in the first place,
but of course, you close your mouth).
Divorced
Friend: See Divorced Sister/Brother.
Work
Colleague: “If you’re in a rush,
it will never come. You absolutely have to swear off
men for the next two years, just like I have. Look,
all I’ve done is work out, and LOOK AT ME! I’m
gorgeous and I can have any man I want. Of course, nobody
has asked me out yet, but when they do, I will be ready
to get naked. I look great in a bikini…did I mention
that…?” (You decide never to ask a single
work colleague for advice again).
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