Sorry for the long post , i just think that every detail matters in a way and it might be the answer :(

this is how it started .. it's a long distance relationship and we made plans to meet ( it was me running away and being with him cuz none will approve of our marriage), hell , we even decided to get married.. we planned our future together , he really loved me like beyond imagination .. i thought i was living a fantasy , i never thought a guy like that exists .. he even promised me that he will never leave me , and if there’s someone breaking up with someone it will be me breaking up with him!.. yes we were having problems , like he has paranoia and low self esteem and depression (cuz all his ex's cheated on him and broke up with him) . at first i helped as much as i can, telling him how amazing he is and talking things out. but then it started to happen often and i have to tell him and reassure him again and again that i'm never gonna leave him (cuz he was worried about that) and that he's not a boring person and that he's perfect for me .. till i reached a point when i couldn't support him anymore , i was pissed cuz i had to repeat the same things over and over again and he won’t just get it .. I talked to him about it and the problem kinda started to disappear .. but none the less he is still suspicious , he always get SUPER jealous of my guy friends , he think that they will try to take me away from him .. I stopped talking to my friends for a month cuz I didn’t wanna cause drama .. I’m always careful what I’m saying around him especially if it involves a guy .. so he moved out and started his uni life (he’s 18 and I’m 23) and everything changed then . he started to pay less attention to me , he never had friends b4 but now his housemates r his friends and he’s doing things he never liked to do cuz now its fun to do it with friends.. we had a fight , i woke him up , he was like “eff you” I was like O_O , and then when I didn’t reply he was like “I was having a dream about u and it was nice, I didn’t mean to hurt u and u know it” I was so heartbroken I ignored him for 2 days cuz I wanted to see how much I mean to him.. he disappeared after that .. we haven’t talked for a month now .. all I got from him was a text saying “we’ll talk later or something .. I’m not up for it now .. not up for anything really” and ive been trying everything to make him talk to me again cuz I dunno what’s going on .. I even left a voice mail while crying my eyes out .. sending texts saying that I promised that I’ll never leave u and I stand to that promise .. but no reply from him .. I let one of my friends cal him 2 days ago , and he said to him “I tend to run away from problems when they get too big, I don’t think it will work out” that’s it .. he didn’t even bother breaking up with me himself or even tell me why he made that decision ( I think his “friends” have something to do with it ).. where r all the promises? The love? Care? What the hell is going on ?

I was kinda harsh when we first started dating cuz I didn’t wanna get hurt , but when I finally trusted him and opened up and showed him all the love I can give he changed (I dunno if that fact changed him or his new life)

Really sorry to hear about this situation. While it’s nice and comforting to know from the beginning that someone is “never going to leave you,” in reality, while it may be true when the person says it to you (at the time), we all know that through divorce rates & the sheer amount of breakups that go on around the world, that relationships (on the norm) don’t last. Especially because he’s only 18 – and you’re 23! That’s a huge difference in age & maturity level and we all know that girls mature faster than guys, right?!

I am happy that he has found friends and has found a life outside of one person. It’s healthier for him to learn to deal with problems and communicate better just for life in general. But for you – who used to be his entire world – you’re now stuck without him and that’s a horrible reality to face. However, let’s look at what was wrong in this relationship:

• Have you ever even met him?
• Do you really want to be with someone who won’t allow you to be yourself? Walking on eggshells & having to lose all your friends for a month to make him “happy” is kind of asking A LOT from you, don’t you think?
• He can’t communicate his feelings to you.
• Sounds like he doesn't even know how to love himself, let alone someone else.

I think maybe in the land of cyberspace vs the land of reality, you were caught up in a fantasy that seemed real, but never measured up to the expectations you wanted them to. And I, frankly, think you could do A LOT better and you deserve a lot better.

I know what it’s like to want to have someone assure you that they won’t leave you before you even start really dating. It feels really good. It makes you feel like you can let your guard down and open up. It is hard to trust anyone these days, but chances are that people and guys will let you down from time to time, and instead of focusing on the let down, you should focus on the future and on yourself. He is in college and acting like most college guys do. He may be a total nit-wit, who knows? You have to accept the reality that he can’t tell you how he feels, that he’s making new friends & just try to hope that he learns how to communicate.

As for you, you need to accept the reality that he is gone and that you can do better. That you deserve someone who is there for you – IN PERSON – and will not be upset if you hang out with your friends & who will actually do his best to shore you up emotionally when you need it.

Do this exercise – write a list of all the qualities you want in a man – your dream man. Make it as long or as short as you want. Be as superficial as you want. And then compare those qualities to the 18 year old you were dating. See what matches and what doesn’t. For some reason, I think that the cons will outweight the pro’s. And maybe then you can start to realize that he was never the right guy for you from the beginning & when you do eventually meet someone new (and you will!), you can start matching him against this list of good qualities, so you can make good decisions about dating him before you even start to fall in love.

While it hurts now, I think that he wasn’t the right man for YOU. And I think the next time you date someone, try to meet the person in real life before you start trusting him with your heart. In the meanwhile, have your pity party. Do some crying. Yet start to accept your reality.

You can do this. It’s not the end of the world. It’s the beginning of a new one – make yourself the star of your new world and don’t settle for less.

When it comes to his age .. I’d never thought about dating someone below 20 .. but he was mature for his age (he didn’t like drinking and hanging out with loads of girls as other guys of his age would do .. and he wanted one girl to spend his life with) that’s why we started dating cuz he wanted what I wanted

He wanted someone’s who’s faithful to him .. i was that girl .. but then this happened

I was happy too when he found friends .. but never thought he will be that weak and follow them and believe what they tell him over me .. to basically change him against me..

We were suppose to meet , we were making plans .. well I was making all the sacrifices .. and yeah he doesn’t love himself and he told me a lot of times “sometimes I wonder why u love me , I’m not a lovable person” but that should make him be with the one that do love him which is me.. not run away from it.

I just want him to regret doing this to me and letting me go like that .. and I think he will .. cuz I’m sure no girl will accept all what I accepted .. and no on will love him as I do unless he changed which is unlikely.

And for meeting someone irl is kinda hard .. I don’t get along with guys in my country AT ALL it’s not even funny .. that’s why all my relationships were online.

And yeah I have a great future ahead of me , I’m going to continue my studies in the U.S .. I might meet someone better then .. I should really focus on this good thing in my life

I’ll do the exercise and see how it goes .. and thank u soo much for ur reply , I really needed the support !!

No problem. Keep us updated. Please also respond to some of the other posts or blogs in the forum if you can. Everyone needs support.  :)

omg i wanna die .. todays my birthday , (and of course no one actually cares as always , never had a birthday party in my life) and when i told my ex about it he was really mad that no one cared and he told me that he will make my birthday count this year .. i've been looking forward to it since then , and now i'm going crazy "will he text me?, will he call me ? will he email me?"

and i hate myself more cuz i texted him like 2 days ago saying that he'll never find a girl that will stand his crap as me and that he was right when he told me that i deserve someone better .. now i HATE myself for sending that.. cuz with his low self esteem and me sending that , he might not call or text me ever ... i hate myself i wanna die!

Hi,

You're forgetting the premise of your note. He TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED! Of course you're going to get angry. Of course you're going to send him crap text messages. It's part of the process of getting over him. But are you on the path to getting over him? Or are you holding on?

u can say that i'm both at the same time .. sometimes i think that i'm starting to move on .. but other times i can't help but pray to god that i'll have him back .. my emotions r mixed and i'm confused on what do i really wanna do .. it's like therer 2 sides inside me struggling .. and waking up in the morning is the WORST thing EVER .. the feeling i have is really BAD i can't describe it :(

How are you doing?

i know how you feel, they promise you the world to get you comfortable, and when they know you are committed they leave, the good thing is they always come back, it might not be as soon as you want and they may just come back to taunt you or try to hook up, but they eventually do come back, that is when you can get ur closure and tell them to stick their head in the ground. Be strong !!!

So I couldn't help but notice some EXTREMELY similar circumstances between your situation and a one I had a while back.  Could there be a possibility that he has BPD? There's a book entitled "Walking on Eggshells" that I think you should read- even reading it a little bit- it may help to answer some of the behavioral questions surrounding your relational conondrum.  It's terribly difficult being in a relationship that is out of balance- even when both people are very stable- and when that happens the tower will eventually fall (this is my world right now).  Once you understand the patterns of behavior and the reasons behind them you can figure out whether it's worth trying to re-build the tower and to what extent you are willing go concerning those lengths- but- if you have any spare time- check out the book. Keep your chin up- life gets easier day by day.

I've made a promise to myself that every time I think about my problem with my recently ended relationship I have to play my piano for 20 minutes- I'm halfway through learning the Minuet in G! Haha.  Good luck, and if you need someone to talk to...just write. :-)