I heard my parents talking about me today and my dating habits and it really made me sad. It kind of hit home to me that I just can't seem to find someone decent.

 

The conversation pretty much went like this:
Dad: What does she think she's doing? Going on this dating website.
Mom: Well, she wants to find someone, a constant. Someone who's going to be there for her.
Dad: Well this isn't the way to do it.
Mom: Well the bars aren't either...
Dad: That's where we met.
Mom: Well, things have changed. It's not so easy...

 

And the whole thing kind of goes on from there. I don't know the parts that I missed, but I pretty much got the whole gist of the conversation from that and it really made me upset and I'm tearing up a little bit right now just thinking about it.

 

 

I've really tried to stay positive during this whole thing. I've tried to look at the bright side, which took a lot especially after the whole fiasco with F (which I still miss btw and it really takes all thats in me not to text him). But it just looks so bleak. I can't seem to find anyone in these past couple of years that is worthwhile and has stuck - and it really just sucks. I don't even know where to look or what to do to meet people. Because the bar scene sucks, there's rarely any good people there, the online scene is often filled with freaks and weirdos - and I just don't know anymore.

Its a really bad night. My ex was supposed to come visit this weekend for Valentines day...we had all these plans. Instead I'm home alone eating ice cream. I don't feel like I'm handling this well. I think about him every other second, my thoughts are surrounding this breakup. I don't understand still why this happened. Everything was going so well.

I swear if I see another online dating site commercial I'm going to puke. My friends all say that I will find someone that deserves me, that will want to commit to a life with me. How can I even begin to think about someone else? I am still completely in love with him. I love everything about him, he was perfect for me. I just don't know how I can move on from this...I know its only been 5 days..but they have been the longest of my life.

I have the hardest time stopping communication with him. It hurts to not have him in my life. How can I just stop talking to my best friend of four years? I don't know what to do with myself. He has said that he will still always be there for me, that I can call him anytime and that He wants me in his life. I don't know how I'm supposed to have him in my life and still be in love with him. I wish I could turn that feeling off, but I can't. I really, really thought he was the one...I still do. I feel like this breakup is a huge mistake...I just wish that he was willing to take a chance on us.

I'm just so sad..I haven't felt so pathetic and low. How can it be over?

This guy who I have been talking to on that dating website since I've pretty much joined - we finally got together on AIM (I never go on so we kept on missing each other). He actually sent me a message on the website asking me where I was haha. Anyways, we were talking and it seems like we have a lot in common, and we made plans for a date in two weeks (he's going away next weekend).

 

 

This is the first date in a while on that site that I can say that I'm actually excited about. He's cute (from his pictures, who knows if they'll be deceiving when we meet in person), he's in the appropriate age range (only a few months older than me), it appears he's looking for a relationship, and he's also a teacher. So we'd obviously have a lot in common and he'd understand where I'm coming from.

 

 

So yes, I am excited about this date. Funny that it happened when I was basically going to swear it all off and delete that account.

My ex and I  have now been broken up for 2 weeks. He essentially emotionally cheated on me by going onto CraigsList and reading/responding to posts. I got caught in traffic last night and was frustrated in the car. Then I remembered that it's our one year anniversary tomorrow. And then I just LOST it!

I have been following The Workbook. I have not had the urge to contact him and I am going to be okay. I think that fact that I FINALLY cried helped me to deal with the fact that it truly is over. I mean, I offered to go to counseling with him like a month after he starts counseling (so I know he's going), but he just kind of disappeared after we broke up. He didn't do "the big gesture" or beg me to come back because he couldn't imagine life without me. It just KILLS me that he doesn't seem to care and/or he is so rational that he has no idea that any kind of emotion would be better than just complete retreat.

Anyway, I am totally defeated. I am being strong because I can't just live life in regret. AT least I loved. AT least I had a good relationship while it lasted. And at least I know that this WASN'T my fault. He has his own sickness/craziness that he needs to deal with.

I still have his stuff. When I feel better I'll drop it off. If he wants it, he can come get it. But I just don't feel like going out of my way at this point. He's the one that fucked up. He should fucking go out of HIS way.

What an idiot.

Jerime and I were PERFECT for each other. We were the same age (before him, I dated a man 15 years older than me), we had a lot in common, got along amazingly well, had easy conversation, and just really clicked. I still don't really know what went wrong. Things were going so well. He even invited me to dinner with his entire family and they loved me! They said that I "fit in perfectly!" Then, I also went on vacation with him to the family vacation spot.

One day, he decides to tell me that he's not over his ex-girlfriend. I should have known - he talked about her constantly. But I just figured it was because she was a huge part of his life for a really long time, and I'm not the jealous type. He had assured me several times that he was over her. So this came as a huge shock to me, and tore my world apart. How could someone act like they care about you so much, only to be leading you on and then completely crush your heart? I just don't get it. He always seemed so sincere. And now I'm left with nothing but pictures, letters, and a huge hole in my heart. I'm so lost and so depressed. I felt certain that he was, "the one." Now I have no choice but to move on, which is so much easier said than done! I'm trying so hard to handle this with dignity and maturity (and to just let it go), but it's getting harder every day. When will it get easier??

I went on a really good date last night. I met him on that online website. It was the third date that I went on with someone from that website (I've previously dated other guys from other online dating sites). And I have to say, third times the charm (so far).

 

Things were a little eh at first, but I think that that's because he's just shy and the whole meeting someone for the first time in person is kind of awkward. Like you don't really know how to act. But, I'm a talkative person, so everything got into motion. And I have to say that I had a really really really good time. Like I like this guy a lot. And it's very different from how I felt during the first two dates that I went on.

This guy has a good job, has a college education, he lives at home - BUT he moved back home to save money to buy his own house (and I can't judge that because I'm doing the same thing), he's very nice - a gentleman he walked me back to my car, paid, everything - even held the door open.

 

And he sent me a message today saying that he had a really good time and that he wanted to do it again! Since we're both busy this weekend, we're going to dinner early next week. And I'm actually really excited. I had an awesome time. Like we were talking for over 4 hours and I didn't even realize it - it was pretty awesome.

 

So I guess we'll see. I don't want to get my hopes up and all excited about the whole thing... but I really can't help it!

I really probably should delete F from my facebook, so I won't be so tempted to check it all the time. I really do think that I'm better off without the uncertainity in my life and that if he really cared about me we would be together right now. But I can't help but to think that maybe I was a little rash in everything because I really think that he joined the dating site again - I don't know if it was because his friend found me and definitely told him that I was back on the site.

 

So I'm wondering if I rushed into getting back on the site. But like, logically, I'm telling myself that if F wanted me - he would have said something and would have been happy when I mentioned the fact that I wanted a relationship. After talking to a bunch of people about the whole thing - including guys - I wasn't rushing into anything. So I know that logically. But I really can't help but to miss him and what we shared.

 

And I do feel stupid for even bringing this up again, because I know that I'm better off without him. But I just wish that he showed that he cared a little bit and that I wasn't so easy to throw away. Because I really do think that I am a good "catch." I have a lot going for me, I'm a good person, I care about my friends, and I pretty much did everything for him. I picked him and his friend up from the train station when he needed a ride, I took care of him when he was a sloppy drunk, and I've put myself in awkward situations with his friends where he didn't even introduce me to them properly just because I thought that he liked and cared about me. But I guess that it was all fake.

 

So yea, deleting him from my phone and not contacting him via text messages isn't enough. I probably need to unfriend him on facebook so I'm not attached to him anymore.

 

 

 

Does anyone have a problem with this? I am trying really hard not to bring my past insecurities or past mistakes that my ex-boyfriends have made into this new relationship with F. But it's really hard. I can somtimes go back into my obsessive ways, not that I ever vent them to him - I usually just annoy friends with my ramblings.

 

 

I know that it's not just me. But I really really like F and I don't want to do anything to mess it up. But I guess I need to stop worrying about it and just enjoy the time that I spend with him.

 

 

But other than that - things are going well We see eachother frequently and everything seems to be going well. So, I guess we'll see where it goes.

Okay, so I have this dilema.. Need you to listen and give me your honest .. Open minded opinion :

So, I started dating this " great " guy about 5 months ago and at first of course everything was peachy and rosie as usual... about a month in a half into our relationship I got up enough courage to tell him that I really cared about him and that I was falling in love with him. I also told him that I wasn't telling him this cause I wanted him to say it back to me and that I hope this doesn't push him or scare him away. He told me no absolutely not and things still where great between us after that so I thought nothing of it. Then we are driving in a car a week later and I kind of suggest to him why we are not friends on face book and he says he likes to keep it that way cause he doesn't want me to read into things that might not be true and he doesn't want to read into things on my page that may not be what it truly is, so I left it at that and a few weeks later requested him anyways .. Well, he never excepted my request nor did he even mention that I requested him. He didn't say anything and I didn't bring it up either. By then I can see a little bit of tention between us. Well a few weeks after that we got into a little argument and he didn't call me all day which is unusual cause we speak more than 5 times a day... ( by the way he was the first one to introduce me and tell everyone that I was his GIRLFRIEND not me ) that same exact day his friend that he introduced me too was also going through something crazy with her boyfriend but the difference with her is that she was a little physcho and she said she was going to kill herself so I being the good friend or whatever went over to her house even though I knew that if he found out he was going to flip out on me ( which I completely understand , cause I wouldn't want anyone to do that either ) I was trying to make sure this girl wasn't gonna do anything to herself... So anyways that night she gives me her password to face book to go onto his page and see it if I ever need to .. She swore to me that she would never ever say anything to him about that I went over there to help her. That night he wound up calling me anyways and I didn't answer and he said that he was upset and he didn't call me that day cause of that. I didn't answer him till the morning... Well anyways we had a long convo over dinner a week later and and he said things like oh' you have to let me chase you and that we were moving to fast and stuff and he just wanted to slow things down and whatever I understood and we decided to take things slow but nothing changed I was still his girlfriend and he was still my man.. Then all of a sudden his daughters mother decides to take him to court for full custody and and I'm over here trying to help him out and be there for him and be a supportive girlfriend and he in many ways pushing me away and in many ways still wanting me there .. You know what I mean? So, I'm still checking his face book page throughout all of this and it comes to my attention that he is talking to this one girl heavy and that they hung out like on a Tuesday night and that they talk on the phone for 2 hours at a time, they have these long meaningful convo's and she's telling him " I love u boo " and that last night I knew it that I really loved you all these things.. So I confront him and and he wants to know who told me .. So obviously I'm not gonna go back on my word and I do not rat out the girl that gave me the info so I made up some story... everything was fine after that for about a week or two and everyone is like look pull away a little so he can come closer to you , so I do that and that Friday I called him in the morning on my way to work just to speak to him and he's sounded really distant and upset ... he's asking me what I did last night and I told him I went for a few drinks with one of my friends and it seems as though he got ticked off and he abruptly was like " I'm gonna let you go yo " and I couldn't here him cause of the background noise so I said to him " what did you say hun " and he yelled at me.. I told him NOT TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT and he was like in a softer voice " I will speak to you later " and he never called me after that.. All weekend he didn't call nothing.. That Wed I knew he was having his first court date re: his daughter and I asked a couple of my friends what I should do that it was fucked up if I didn't call .. So I called being the bigger person... I let the phone ring once it rang twice and then he pushed ignore cause it sent me right into voicemail... I left him a message and said " I didn't want the day to go by with him thinking that I didn't care about him and his daughter cause I did and that I was concerned , but that I didn't appreciate him speaking to me like that... and I told him that I was there for him and I really wanted him to give me a call and let me know if he was okay " and I have not heard from him at all....... I love this guy but honestly I need an opinion of what to do cause I have no clue what happened and its killing me to think and know that he is out of my life just like that... oh and by the way... all of a sudden after he stopped talking to me the girl that gave me her password info all of a sudden changed her information completely and now I can't go on his page anymore... WHAT SHOULD I DO ???? HELP PLEASE !!!!

　

　

I brought up the conversation with F today about "what we are." And, probably by my title - and the tags, you can see that it didn't go as well as planned.

 

I don't even know what to think about this whole thing right now. I kind of felt that he was being a little different lately. Like he went away and didn't say anything to me while he was away. Then when he came back, he wasn't being his normal self - or that's the way that I felt. I thought that maybe I was reading too much into it, but deep down that's how I felt. So I brought up the issue and I was surprised at how calm and assertive I was being - because normally it's not me.

 

Basically, what I said was that I wanted to know if he still liked me because I felt like he was being distant, and that he didn't really care if I saw him or not. To which he denied - and claimed that he still liked me. So then I asked him, "What are we?" And he tried to play stupid - but I was basically like you know what I mean by that question. To which he responded, "I don't know." Then I was basically like, "We've been seeing each other for 3 months now. You should know if you want to be with me or if you don't want to be with me." Then he was like, "Can't we just be something in between?" And I was like, "Well how long are we going to be in between for? We've been doing this for 3 months. I'm not going to be in between forever." And he just didn't have an answer for me.

 

 

Which was definitely not what I wanted to hear. So I was basically like, "Well, I feel that by now you should know. I'm going to leave now, if you want to talk to me you can call or text me tomorrow" And then I got up and I left. He gave me some "Are you really leaving?" And I was basically like, yea, I'm not going to sit here and have this whole thing be awkward, I'm going. And then I walked out of his house and left.

 

When I got to the corner of his block - he sent me a text message saying that he just really didn't know what he wants and that he really does like me and not to think that he doesn't.

 

I'm just really hurt and upset by this whole thing. I don't know what to think anymore. I just think that his response was ridiculous and it hurts to hear. WTF does in between mean? I'm just really angry right now. I didn't respond to his message. Maybe I'll respond tomorrow.

Ok so here goes my story.

I was married once. Had a beautiful daughter, and a real verbally abusive, controling, cheating husband. I decided to leave the situation. I was in college getting my nursing degree. I began a fling with a classmate. In the begining it was great he was the opposite of my ex. we were good friends, no strings. I was on my way back to me....I got pregnant!

So now 5 years later I live 1700 miles away from my family, to be near him.. we just moved in together 4 months ago, after 5 years of dating (non-exclusive, for him). The kids are happy, Im happy, then bam! I find out from a txt on his phone (i was wrong to look) that he had invited a girl over while i was at work and kids were at school. When I confront him, he tells me i violated his privacy and its over. We(me and the kids) need to move. He promised when we moved in he would give us the house if it didnt work out. Now this selfish person is putting me and 2 kids out. while his single self stays in a 3brm home. Im supposed to just move out into an apt again. i lived in an unsafe neighborhood before just to make ends meet.

I am just so mad at myself for trusting him. He has always had committment issues, but he always has kept his word, I never thought I would have to go through the same stuff as I did in my divorce. And here I am again!

So now I need to be strong, move out, and not let him back in. even though he has already said he wants us to go back to how it was b4 i moved in. no commitment and him being able to just do what he wants and still have me basically. Merry Christmas!! lol

well here it goes... my first love now my ex-boyfriend. He told me last night that he "still has feelings for me and cares about me" (on a text msg). but understand that he's in a relationship, and it's someone close to me. He goes on with this he said that he would like to get back together while he's with her...so basically he'll have two gfs her and me and then added that i dont tell anyone esp her also that he "loves us both very much is all". Now what what the f**k do i do now. Last night it all started with i simple conversation but i felt he was busy cuz he would reply late so i asked why and he said he was talking to her, at that time i always stop talking to him. He noticed and said "he thought it was funny" that i do that. I replied "that's not funny" thats how this whole thing came about.. the question about getting back together. To me i think it's all a joke or a trap, just to think he'd joke about that knowing that i wanted that more than anything hurts a lot and makes him THE SCUM OF THE EARTH!!!!!!!!! Advise me ladies asap!!! :)

I want to get F something for Christmas, but right now I'm at a loss at what to get him. I don't want to get him too much and have him think that I'm coming on too strong - and I don't want to get him nothing, because - well that's not cool. lol

 

 

So what to get him? Someone was saying that I should get him something that we can do together - like maybe buy him concert tickets or something of that nature. But I don't know what concert tickets to get him. And it wouldn't be for anything soon - so I don't want him to think that I'm assuming that we're going to be together 2 - 3 months from now (although that would be the ideal situation, haha).

 

 

 

 

So any ideas? Thanks!!!

I went out last night with another guy from that online dating site, and I had a really good time again. We're in the same profession, so we had a lot to talk about and he seemed really cool and I definitely got the feeling that he was into me (since he already wanted to make plans for this weekend).

 

Now, I'm normally not a fan of dating two guys at once. I'm more of a one-guy type of girl. However, I feel like these guys are both viable options for boyfriends. One is more reserved than the other - but they are both pretty good in their own ways. So, it does pose a slight problem. And I know, that since I've only gone on a very select amount of dates with each of them - but on both dates, we enjoyed ourselves so much that we spent like 4+ hours just talking (which I really good for a first date where you are just meeting the person). So I don't really know what to do.

 

Like what should I be looking for when I'm trying to decide which one is better? Because in the past, I have had the choice between two guys and I always without fail seem to go for the one that isn't the best option. So I'm really not in the mood to fall into that trap again. Maybe, I just need to ask each of them if they want a serious relationship - which I think that they both do - but that might help me weed out one over the other.

 

Any suggestions? lol I'm going out with the first guy tomorrow and I'm very excited to go :) but now this whole new other guy kind of complicates things.

 

And how long should I be dating them both at the same time? Is there like an amount of dates where it's just too much to be dating two people and I need to pick which one I like better?

OK..It's been 3 months...and I seem to be on a pretty predictable cycle so far...OK for a few days, REALLY OK for a couple more, CONTENT for a week and then *BAM*...GUT WRENCHING, NAUSEATING, HEADACHE CAUSING PAIN!!   Nothing like sitting at your desk with your compact out trying to act like you're touching up when what you are REALLY doing is "cleaning up"...I mean really, how is it possible that one minute I'm totally fine reading my E-Mail and out of nowhere, a wave of pain comes rolling in like toilet paper?

 

OH! Could it be the Email I read about a great sale at The Golf Warehouse, which reminded me that golf is something we did together, which reminded me that the "replacement" used MY PINK GOLF BALLS I left behind (Uh yea...thanks "friend" for sharing that awesome detail with me), which reminded me that someone else is now living the life that used to be MINE, which reminded me that I am hurting and so on and so on....

 

GOOD GRIEF when am I going to get over this???  Seriously, it's like having PMS every 6-10 days, but without the cramps...NO, I take that back.. the cramps are there too, only they happen in my heart, and there's NO over the counter bottle of pills to cure them.  SO WHAT! I can buy more PINK GOLF BALLS!...RIGHT?..But how dare she??? Pink Golf Balls were my "thing"..."everyone" knew...that "I" only use Pink Golf Balls, that the ONLY Pink Golf Ball on the fairway belonged to "me". NOT ANYMORE APPARENTLY!

 

How petty is that? I should have been a chemist. I would invent a Break Up Relief Nasal Spray. Is it wrong to hope one of those Pink Golf Balls ricochets off of a tree and hits her in the nose? Yes? OK maybe in her knee cap...

 

I'm not sure if I'm hurt over losing my love, or just suffering from a damaged ego at this point..maybe a little of both. I think i'll switch to Purple Golf Balls...

I don't know if it's just me, but I find dating to be so exhausting. I mean don't get me wrong, I do like to go out on dates and I enjoy the attention that I get from guys - but I'm at the point in my life where I want to find someone that I get along with.

 

To be honest, the only guy that I really liked was my first "real" boyfriend. Everyone since then I haven't had the same feeling from. There was just something missing in the relationship. That spark. And you can't fake the spark. You can't fake being happy with someone. Through time, I've found that if I force myself to like someone, it never works. I'm usually so unhappy and I can't wait to leave the person.

 

I really want to go on a date with a guy and hit it off right away. I want to click. Because if we are honest with ourselves, I feel that you know if you will click with someone within the first few minutes of meeting them. At least that's how it is for me. I really hate being on a date and sitting there looking at the door yearning to go home.

I feel like for every good guy, there are 20 more bad guys out there. It's like finding the right person is like finding a needle in the haystack. It sucks.

 

And I'm going on all of these bad dates from the dating website that I joined and I'm wondering if the whole thing is worth it - or if I just might end up being single forever.

I went out with a new guy last night, and he was really nice and sweet. He actually bought me a box of chocolates for Valentines Day which I thought was cute. He's 4 years older than me, but we did seem to have a lot in common personality-wise, or I guess what we want out of life. Like we don't everything in common, but the main stuff, it seems. Like we both have direction in life, care about our families, etc. So that's the most important things. It doesn't matter to me if we like different types of music or something. 

 

 

The only downside is that he's a little on the short side, haha. If that could even be a downside, because I've dated shorter guys before, just recently I've been dating taller guys. But whatever. I'd rather have someone treat me nice than be a tall douchebag.

 

 

We are going to have a second date. So I guess I'll see where that ends up going.

I feel so stupid for even getting so wrapped up in this whole thing. I just don't understand why this always happens to me around this whole 3-month mark. I'm beginning to wonder if it was even a good idea to bring the whole conversation up, but I really can't take it back now.

 

 

But I just kind of feel like he completely led me on. He made me seem like he wanted me, but clearly he didn't. I just don't understand why I constantly get involved in these types of dead-end relationships. I have to wonder what is wrong with me and why I'm crying like an asshole right now, when I really didn't lose anything.

 

 

I guess, it's just better that I know now instead of letting it go on for another 3 months - but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm going over my friend's house today, and hopefully that'll help.

"Don't make someone a priority when you are only his option." I read that in one of the responses to a blog on this site and it really resonated with me. I've always made him a priority. If he were to call me up right now, I would answer. I can't seem to say ‘no' to him even though that should be my first response. Unfortunately, he knows it. He says if he were a ‘power trippy' kind of guy he would take advantage of that, but he won't...he does. Every time he calls me, every time we make plans, every time we fool around...he knows he'll get what he wants...that's why he still calls. If he doesn't love me, the only honorable thing would be to TELL me he has no interest and stop calling. He doesn't want to lose his backup. He doesn't want to give up the sex. He doesn't want to lose the friendship or hurt my feelings...whatever his reasons for not speaking up, it doesn't matter. I know how I feel and if he doesn't feel the same way then I'm wasting my time. I should be strong enough to say ‘no.'

I get so angry with myself...I have all these plans to be strong, to keep things in perspective and just be friends, but when I see him, I can't help but become an unsure, blubbering idiot. I'll make a comment about things and he'll say ‘let's talk about it.' I'll tell him I don't want to talk about it and he says ‘why can't we communicate about it?' Why? Because nothing has changed...how many times do I want to listen to him tell me he's not ready for a relationship...he's just not a relationship guy...or he just got out of a bad relationship so he's not ready for another one? Hearing that again and again would just make me feel worthless and unloved...why would I want to keep hearing it??  I wish I had said ‘if something changes, then we'll talk, but if not, what's the point?'  I always think of the perfect thing to say later...just can't think straight when I'm around him.

More importantly, why do I keep putting myself in this position? Why don't I just walk away and not look back? I'm trying to move forward. I'm making plans with friends and family. I'm even dating. I would love to be the one to speak up and say things have changed...I've found someone else while you were still ‘thinking about it.' I feel like such a colossal fool for wasting my energy and love on someone who doesn't love or respect me. Does any guy ever suddenly realize they want more than sex from someone? If I keep giving it away, why wouldn't he just keep taking it?

Lately, I've been trying to remind myself of all his flaws...of all I'm missing out on by letting myself get sucked into a FWB relationship. I want someone who calls on a regular basis, who cares about my thoughts and feelings and who kisses me...passionately! I think that's the thing I miss the most...I could kiss for hours and never feel the need to push for more. I want a kiss to be the main event...not just something rushed through to get naked. He doesn't kiss me anymore...how can you have ‘rock your world' sex when there's no kissing? You can't...it can be fun, spontaneous and even hot, but without a kiss, it's not intimate...it's just an act, a service provided...and damn...I'm not even getting paid for it! LOL...I joke, but it's at my own expense. I need to have more self-love and respect for myself. I've tried to fool myself into thinking I could just ‘be a guy' about this and scratch the itch without getting emotionally involved, but I can't. He has my heart, he knows it, and I'm one who has to be strong enough to walk away. My head knows what I need to do, I just have to convince my heart to stop holding onto shreds of hope and do it. Time to make myself my top priority.

I haven't spoke to him since new years day, so it's been really tough.   What buggs me is that he doesn't seem to care at all cuz if he did he would have called or e-mail asking why i haven't been talking to him lately...... and he didn't.  so basically my question is should i tell him the reason im saying goodbye and tell my former friend what been going on secretly between him and i???????? I feel guilty for not talking to him for this long and not telling him a reason why....but i think sometimes that he doesn't deserve a reason because he never gave me a REAL reason why we brokeup.  Knowing that he didn't care if we spoke or not and for me to have spoke to him still is completely stupid, and top of that i gave him everything he wanted and more a friendship, secret relationship, and even friends with benefits.  A friendship i didn't mind to have but still i liked alittle truth in it. All that because i wanted to make up for hurting him in the past. But he hurt me multiple times and never made up for it he continuesly hurts me for kicks. the friendship was a lie, secret relationship was a lie, and friends with benefits was a lie. All i ever wanted from him was to be truthful in any relationship we had. but instead he'd go back and forth. Just like the song... "Quit playing games with my heart" by the backstreet boys (their so cute). He wanted more and more ( physical sense)... i just wanted love ( as a friend or gf) and honesty.  Throughout this whole thing i came to realize he only wanted me for my body and face. he forgot why he loved me to begin with. Therefore i decided to walk away quitely but should i tell him the reason why or not and tell her who he really is????

The other night F invited me out with him and his friends. I drove because I didn't really want to drink and it was his friends, so I wouldn't have really drank that much anyway. I'm not going to go into details but F made a pretty big ass out of himself with how completely trashed he got. Like really bad - he ended up throwing up and passing out in my car.

 

I'm not mad at the situation, because there have been times where I have gotten really drunk and made a fool out of myself. But, granted, that would not have happened in front of someone who I had feelings for. But I'm not happy with the whole situation either. And during the whole fiasco his friends apologized to me for it and were telling F that he was an idiot because they wouldn't blame me for never talking to him again.

 

Now this whole situation, just makes me want to bring up the fact that I want to make this whole relationship "official" even more. I want him to take "single" off of his facebook status, I want to be introduced as his girlfriend, and I want to know what he wants out of this whole thing. I know that he likes me, because of things that he said and he sent me an apology message really early this morning - so I'm guessing he woke up and realized what an asshole he was last night. But I just want it to be made clear and I want to know and I want to call him my boyfriend. At this point, I don't even care if I'm being petty about the whole thing - I just want it to be crystal clear. And if he doesn't want a real potentially long-term relationship, then I don't know if I can do it anymore.

I made myself a playlist on my IPOD named "F-YOU" and I listen to these songs everyday on my way to and from work and they totally make me feel better so I'm sharing.

Load up your ITUNES ladies and get this list for yourselves!

 

It Ends Tonight - All American Rejects
Over You - Daughtry
How You Remind Me - Nickelback
Apologize - Dreaming Out Loud
Leave (Get Out) - Jojo
Irreplacable - Beyonce
You'll Think Of Me - Keith Urban
Live Your Life - T.I.(feat. Rihanna)
Same Script, Different Cast - Whitney Houston with Deborah Cox
You Outta Know - Alanis Morissette
Take A Bow - Rihanna
Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Don't Wanna Try - Frankie J
You Learn - Alanis Morissette
Rehab - Rihanna

I feel like I've been slacking with this blog lately. I used to post almost daily (some of my earlier posts got deleted because of the glitch in the website). But nothing has really been going on lately. I'm still seeing F and things are going really well with him. I just kind of want to make this whole thing "official." I know that we are pretty much boyfriend/girlfriand because we act like it. I'm not going to go into the examples right now, because I have already in this blog - but I want him to change his status on facebook. I know that it's a stupid thing to be obsessing (although, I wouldn't call it obsessing - I just don't know the correct word that I want to put here) about - but I just want to be awknowledged.

 

 

It's not that fact that I don't trust him - because I do, I know that he's not doing anything. I was talking to one of my male coworkers about it - and he's like, you are - it's just an assumed thing right now. So I think that after this whole holiday season is over (maybe end of January/beginning of February) I'm going to bring it up - unless of course he does it first. It's just really awkward to bring up - the whole conversation. I hate it. I'd rather just know. And I do not want to be one of those people who wait around forever and just be someone that they throw away later - I've seen that happen to my friends wayyyyyy too many times.

 

 

This damn blizzard is just making me think about all of this right now - because there's nothing else to do.

 I guess i could realize that it's really over but i dont wanna except it.  just the other night you told me that you had a date with her that day and it really hurt me, i cried that night. i wish you didnt tell me that you shouldn't have said anything. knowing who she is/was to me how could you??? not only i was jealous of her but i was furious with you, because i started to feel our friendship was getting stronger before you told me that. now that i know what measures you are willing to take to hurt me im starting to think is our friendship worth it, worth saving. i was betrayed by her and cheated and lied to by you. i dont know why you do this to me or maybe im doing it myself but whatever the reason i hate the way i feel i hate that i love you.....so much. Where do i go from here? all i know is either way i go i'll miss you along the way.

I went on another good date last night with the first guy, and I really like him.

 

He's just so different from most of the guys that I've dated before - and with my track record that's a really good thing. He's very caring, he listens to me, and he just makes me feel good about myself. I'm always laughing when I'm with him and I find it's easy to talk about things. But he doesn't come off as one of those guys who's like totally out there and crazy flirty and stuff - which is why I think that he actually likes me, because he's not that type at all. Just overall, he's really awesome.

 

Plus he has these really nice blue eyes and he's super sexy. He has a good body and he's taller than me - which is always a plus. I just get a really good vibe from him.

 

And it seems like he cares about his family. Like he does stuff for his mom and dad and he helps them out. I like that he's 3 years older than me because he's more mature. I don't know... I just really like this guy, and I wish that I could take a crystal ball and look into the future to see how everything works out.

OK, so just to make this whole nightmare even more interesting, let me set the record straight, OR NOT (OR NOT will make sense in about 2 sentences)..I am not completely devastated, losing weight from places I never really had to begin with,  wasting tons of perfectly good makeup, tossing GREEN FROGGY BANKS in the trash over a GUY..but over a CHICK!. Yes, I let another female rip my heart to unrecognizable shreds..and YES , GREEN FROGGY BANK was hers. How perfectly fitting..she stayed a Toad until the bitter end..I bet her mother didn't even realize how fitting when she made the purchase..BUT HEY!...WHY did her mother give me a PINK HIPPO???? Not until this very moment did I stop to ponder this small oversight on my part. I was all of 120 pounds then...I mean really, there was no Kitten Bank, or perhaps a cute Teddy Bear Bank? I had to get PINK HIPPO? Nice....

 

OH... back to the confession,  OK so we have established that I got trampled on by another female...so let me do a quick FAQ (Frequenty Asked Questions) so you don't have to ask or "WONDER" because you don't want to ask but secretly REALLY want to know LOL.  Here we go:

 

Q: Was this your first relationship with a female?

A: NO

 

Q: Have you ever been with a Man

A: YES, One, I married him because I got pregnant after High School and he was very violent. It lasted 5 years

 

Q: Do you have children?

A: YES, 3 and YES they know I am gay (kinda hard to hide the other girl living in the same house)

 

Q: Were you always Gay or is it just because you were in a bad relationship with a man?

A: Always Gay. After high school I thought I would at least "try" batting for the "other team" and ended up getting pregnant! it turned out to be a VERY long inning!

 

Q: Now that you have been so crushed by this last relationship do you think you might try batting for the "other team" again?

A: Right now I'm not batting for anyone but myself. I can't even think about another relationship until I figure out why I gave so much of myself away in this one, that I don't even recognize the person in the mirror right now!

 

Q: Is the pain from a breakup of a Gay relationship just as bad as from a Straight one?

A: I think the loss of someone you are in love with is painful regardless of the gender

 

Q: Why are you 'fessing up?

A: So I can type "SHE" in my blog when speaking of my Ex and no one thinks it's a typo ;)

 

If I haven't answered your "DYING TO KNOW" question here, feel free to ask and I'll do my best to give you an honest response!

 

 

 

Tomorrow will mark two weeks since this whole fiasco. Are things getting better? I would say 70% yes, 30% no. This past weekend with Kevin was great. We drank together twice...which to my relief turned out great each time. I was nervous because all the times in the past he'd broken up with me were when he was drinking...so it was nice to be put at ease this weekend when we were both drinking and things felt stable.

 

 

We went to a party together Saturday night and he told me a girl he's known for awhile confessed she had a crush on him and he simply said..."Sorry, but I have a girlfriend right now who I love." That made me feel really good. He's also been much more patient and understanding than usual when I've voiced any concerns to him. 

 

 

So that's all been good but tonight it was back to the usual routine of my wondering will he ask me if I can come over tonight? Of course he didn't. I asked him what he was doing tonight and he said his friends were coming over to play video games. He used to always ask if I'd like to come over after they left...he doesn't do that anymore. I mentioned it to him and his response was "Of course you can come over hun, I just didn't want you to get bored."

 

This should have been a good enough answer but I was still angry. I want him to physically say to me, "I would love it if you came over tonight." That's all. It would make me the happiest fucking girl in the world. I'm sick of feeling like I'm this nagging pathetic girl who stares at her phone willing her boyfriend to call. I really took it for granted before how much he used to get a hold of me on his fucking own. How much he used to be the first to text me...ask me to hang out that night...

 

 

I feel like seeing how long I could go without texting him before he picked up his phone to get ahold of me. I bet we could easily go 7 or 8 hours at a time...isn't that sad? But obviously he's so fucking happy and indepedant sleeping alone without me, doing his own thing without me, NOT texting me. I just really needed to vent tonight.

 

I went out on a second date with the guy from Sunday last night and although he's a nice guy and everything, I don't know about it. I'm just not really that into him and I can't really explain why. I'm a social person, so I have no problem having a conversation with someone and making it not awkward, so we did have a conversation and it went well. I could tell that he's really into me. But I don't know.

 

If I'm being completely honest, the guy kind of freaked me out. He was moving wayyyy to fast. Talking about how I was going to be his girlfriend and how me and his mom would get along great, etc. He even asked me if I was still seeing other people. Or if I went to a bar if I'd make out with another guy because he said he wouldn't now that he was with me. I was like um, it's the second date, if I want to go to a bar and make out with a guy, or go on a date with someone else, I can. It's not like we've been dating for 3 months and are exclusive or something.

 

Then he was talking crap about pretty much all of his exes. Saying that they screwed him over on way or another. Like saying that they randomly changed after 3 months and he had no idea how someone can just stop liking a person. But like, that does happen. You can fall out of love.  And I mean, I really don't talk crap about my exes. If a potential guy asked me about them, I say, "He was a really nice guy, but things just didn't work out. We wanted different things." Because it's really none of their business and I'm not going to trash talk them (only to my friends on here haha) because the majority of them were decent people - just immature.

 

So, I'm really not into this. I was driving home last night and the guy lives like 45 minutes away, and I was like, wow, I don't even care enough to do this ride home all the time. And I feel bad because he seems like a nice person, but I'm just not feeling it. The whole moving insanely quickly freaked me out and then the trash-talking the exes. Like I barely know you. I don't want to talk about having an awesome relationship with you on our second date. And maybe I'd feel differently if I was actually into him, but I'm not. I just feel right now I want to date around and keep my options open. I've jumped into things too quickly in the past and I want to feel things out.

 

 

Due to the bad weather, my flight got canceled and we wouldn't have been able to get another flight until 2-days later, and we wouldn't have been able to extend the trip because the hotel was booked solid. Since we had travelers insurance, we were able to cancel that trip and rebook for April. But I'm not going to lie and say that I wasn't upset. I was really looking forward to getting away. But, I guess it worked out the best way that it could have,... So moral of the story is to ALWAYS buy travelers insurance.

 

I have a couple of dates lined up this week, so I'm going to see how those go. I've been talking with this one guy for about 2 weeks now, and he seems nice. I went out with some friends last night, and had an awesome time. I met this cute guy on the platform when we were waiting for the train. It was hilarious. So I'm just going to call him Platform from now on, on this blog. We were joking around and I ended up giving him my number, so we'll see if he actually ends up calling. We were both pretty drunk. It was just nice to get that attention from someone else though.

 

I feel like this 2010 is going crappy for me so far, so I'm hoping that it makes a turn-around and starts looking up.

 

 

What's left is emptiness i let one guy fill that void in my heart and now he's gone so im back where i started. To me i sound as if i need a guy to make me happy if that's true i need a better outlet cuz letting a guy to be only thing that makes me happy is unhealthy, im just looking for disoppointment. I was so used to being happy when he and i were together how do i gat that back w/out him, he knows i let go completely he just waiting for the day i text/call him and apoligize. So do i resist and go on unhappy or make up with him risk getting hurt over and over and over again?

Another thing that's left is uncertainy, well i have evidence of him cheating on his gf with me (texts/pics) now here's the BIG question do i tell her or keep my mouth shut? All i know is if i tell her ill be opening a whole can of worms and alot of drama...but is it worth it?

I'm going out for coffee tonight with a new guy. So I guess that I'm officially closing the chapter on F. It kind of sucks, because I really did not think that it would end up this way, and I am just going through a range of emotions and feelings. We were texting today and I just got absolutely nothing from him, which makes me feel like he really just didn't give a shit about me. He didn't really ask me how my day was, didn't seem to care, and I kind of feel like that since I was no long interested in just hooking up with him, he no longer wanted anything to do with me, and that just sucks.

 

So, even though F wasn't a bad guy, I'm going to list the things that I've learned from this relationship, so when I'm starting things with a new guy, I can look back on it and remember exactly why I said it. Because when I get wrapped up in someone, I tend to stop thinking so clearly.

 

 

Here it Goes...
1) Don't rush into anything intimate. It'll feel good at the moment, but afterwards I might end up regreting it and change the dynamic of the reatlionship. Or even, not really know if the guy is with me for sex or because he actually wants me.

2) A guy should care whether or not you get home safely. If I am constantly driving to a guys house, I'd like for him to want me to call him or text him when I get home, to make sure that I get home ok. That makes me feel like he cares and is worried about my safety. Especially if it's a far distance.

3) When he meets my family, he should engage in conversation. And I'm not saying a full out conversation, but more then just hello. I'm friendly with his family, he should give me the same courtesy.

4) Relationships should be a give and take. I shouldn't be driving to his house, or going out with his friends way more often then he does with me. He needs to show me that he cares. Also, a guy should be interested in my activities and not put me down because I decide to spend $1700 on a vacation. It's my money. Especially when they spend all of their money on snowboarding trips (ok so this one was a little personal)

5) "If you want" isn't acceptable. A guy should want me to come over and show that he wants me to come over.

6) After 3 months, a guy should know whether or not he wants to be with me. If he doesn't know what he wants, then I just need to walk.

 

 

So I guess that sums it all up. I'm debating about deleting F from my phone, so I'm not tempted to text him anymore. Because I'm really done. And I don't even have his number memorized, so I wouldn't be able to find it anymore. That's what I did with my last ex boyfriend.

 

 

 

2010-02-02

 

 

I don't even remeber how I found this sight, unable to sleep, I surfed the ineternet. But I found it and decided I would join, not knowing what to expect, I figured at least it is a place I can vent. Most of the time I like to think that I am an itellegent person, with a low tolerance for bull shit, and for the most part it used to be true but with each failed realationship, I find myself changing, and not in a good way. When it comes to relationships, and just men in general I am stupid. I seen all the mistakes my mom made with every guy that she bought into our live's when I was growing up, and I swore I would never make those same mistakes. Well here I am 23, a single mother, making some of the same mistakes my mother made. I didn't have my first real relationship until I was 20. I guess it was a good one, until he started drinking all the time and cheating on me, which I found out after the night he very much plastered, holding up his beer can announced that the can of beer he was holding was his only friend and he was dumping me. Nice right, dummped for a can of beer. I was devistaded of course, and after 3 months of throwing myself into work and school a friend of mine told me I needed to get out again and have some fun and meet someone new. She introduced me to my first 1 night stand, which was horible. She also introduced me to my beautiful baby's father. We had a long distance relationship, seen eachother as much as possible. I got pregnat the first or second time we had sex, go figure, that's my luck. Well things were fine, he said we would figure out a way to make it work. Until 5 1/2 months pregnant and in a text message got told to go fuck myself it was over between us. He told me to get an abortion or put it up for adoption, he didn't care, it probably wasn't his kid anyway. Didn't hear from him again until my son was 2 weeks old. After my baby daddy left I didn't date, go out or anything until my son was 4 months old. Everyone tried to set  me up, or get me to go out, I had no desire to. Then I went back to work. I still had no desire to date, I just wanted to focus on being a mom. I  don't think of myself as pretty or hot or anything, I can look ok when I try. But at work I started getting phone number's from the male customers. So I admit I liked the attention. There was one guy in particular who figured out when I worked, and would only come in when I worked. I finally gave him my number. We talked every night, finally we decided to have sex, which was awesome (it had been well over a year without). We never said we were in a relationship, but when you ask the person you are involved with and they say no, then you figure they are telling the truth. Well then he starts getting wierd, come's over and then right when we are about to fool around, he would have to leave. The final straw with that one was when we are actually having sex and his phone rings and he stops to answer it, and then gets dressed, but tells me to wait 5 minutes and he will be right back, had to pick his brother up. I didn't wait, he never showed up. He calls though, and he apologizes and tells me aobut his wife and how we almost got busted, but we could continue with what we were doing, I just couldn't tell anyone. UMMM..... can you say HELL NO! So once again I was single, I liked it that way. But after 3 months I realized I was lonely and wanted a relationship. My aunt calls me up one day and tells me to get dressed up, and pack an overnight bag for my son, I was going out. She failed to mention with some guy. He wasn't my  type, but I figured my type wasn't working, so give it a shot. He was nice, I drank a little too much, and put out. Bad me, but oh well what can you do. Well the next day he doesn't leave until like 4 in the afternoon, and I was at my aunts apartment. He goes home and we agree to go out the next night. Well my son got sick and I had to take him to the er, so had to cancell the date. Well J meets me at the er, and stayed with me and my son the whole time. so I fell for him. This is probably when I went temperarily insane. The night I fell for him was the night he never went back home. I was staying with my aunt, due to some old family drama, and didn't want to be by myself. So J stayed at my aunts house with me, for two weeks he went home long enough to shower, change cloths, and feed his animal's. He skipped thanksgiving to be with my family, after 3 weeks of us knowing eachother. Same for Christmas. After Thanksgiving I decided I was ready to go back to my house, J came with, next thing I know its Feburary and he still with me has quit his job, started taking me to my classes every day, and picking me up. Stealing money out of my bank account, and calling me 17 times a day while I was in class that he dropped me off at the campus, why because I am the only female in my program and he was jealous of my friends. I put up with it, then he started throwing a fit because my son wanted my attention all the time, and I was busy doing homework all the time. I put up with that too. Then I would say no to sex and he would have sex with me anyway. I still put up with that, why, becase I was crazy and believed him when he said he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. Last straw was when he started to push my son off of me because J wanted to snuggle with me. I called my friend and 2 weeks later I went to her house and ened it. Good thing I did it at my friend's because he started to shove me and wouldn't leave.  After J I decided I was done dating for a long time.  However that didn't stop me from being with a guy from school, after we went to the bar one night, but we both knew what we were doing, stress relief was what we called it. In fact we still go out to smoke in between classes everyday. And another friend and I got  wasted and dancing lead to well, really, really bad sex. Well 3 months after J I stumble accross a free trial for a dating site. why not, so I gave it a shot. by day 2 of that 3 day trial I met M. We instantly hit it off, we started im'ing on yahoo, and then talked on the phone. We talked every night for hours. We met after 1 month of talking, I saw fireworks, I never thought the smell of pizza would ever turn me on, but it did when it was on M. for 4 months we talked every night and seen eachother once a month. Then in that last month I find out he has a daughter. Ok that's fine didn't bother me. The last night we were together he was distant and wasn't the same. I go home because he had to go to work, like always. he called me when he got off work like always, and when I put my son to bed, I got on yahoo, like always. We were talking he apologized for the night before, all was forgiven.  Well then he tells me he is at his daughter's mom's house. Ok, whatever, I guess I can be ok with that until she starts talking to me. She tells me how they are going to get back together and had no idea M and I were dating. Then she starts talking about the sex between them. Well me being stupid put up with that crap for 2 weeks, she moved in with M. Finally after M not being able to tell me that I was worth fighting for, and getting rid of the baby mamma, not the daughter, and M not being able to do so or tell me that he picked me I ended it. Good for me. Well 2 weeks later he comes crawling back and says he was sorry, and she was gone, and he realized he loved me and wanted to be with me. I believed him. Things were perfect for about 3 weeks then we faught like crazy and I heard he was with someone else. M denied it I believed him, after all we talked every night after he got off work, so how could he be cheating on me. Well 3 days later he ended it. He said it was him, we were moving to fast, he was confused, and he still had feelings for his ex, but wanted to be friends. I said no. it would be too hard for me, I loved him too much. So that was the end. 4 days later he apologized, I fell for it. 1 week and then he stopped answering my calls and for two days when I would first text him he would ask who I was. I finally called and as i here a girl in the background he said he was sleeping and hangs up. I call back and ask what is going on, and the girl gets on. Well that ended that. I sent him a message telling him it was over and not to come crawling back to me when she left him. So I guess we will see how things go week 3 no call.

 

 

 

Today I am angry, yesterday I felt sorrow...tomorrow I will be ....something

My Boyfriend and I are not broken up completely...though it seems to be heading in that direction. He Broke up with me a week ago, but now wants to "Think things through.." And I go along with it, because I am sooo desperate to keep him. We have had a long distance realationship for a year, been dating for two and known each other for four years. It's not an ideal situation, and it has been a strain on us, but I truly felt that he was worth it.

Now it's a waiting game, and I feel like he holds all the cards. He comes up with ridiculous reasons why my moving to where he is would be hard, cause he has a cat and I'm allergic....The reason he broke things off before was because he couldn't do long distance, and now it all rests on what is going to happen with the cat. I told him I would take meds, that we can figure something out..but he is so hung up on this. I have to move my life, and leave my family and friends to be with him, but it all comes down to his cat. Which...dont get me wrong, I love animals I really do. I can see why he is worried, but I dont think its a reason to break things off. I can't help but fee there is something he isn't telling me. It hurts that the level of trust we had as a couple is gone.

Part of me just wants to end things now, and try to let him go, move on. The other part wants to hold on to him and try to work this out. I really can't imagine loosing him, but I can't keep going on like this not knowing where things stand with us, its breaking me and making me start to resent everything I loved about him and me together.

 

If you could make one wish, what would it be? and why?

The perfect wish would be for me is to be happy once again and share that happiness with someone new.

Why?  1) So i know that im worth something to myself and to someone else as well 2) To be appreciated for what i do and be loved

for who i am 3) To give to someone else what i gave long ago not be afraid to.

I am just feeling really sad and depressed right now. I'm trying my best not to break down and cry, but there are times when I just feel like doing that. I don't understand because I wasn't this upset when my actual boyfriend and I broke up this summer. But then again, I really saw that one coming and I wanted the same thing. Now, it's not the same.

 

Everyone is telling me that I did the right thing, that I had to ask him - but I can't help but to think that I was happier when I didn't know. You know, ignorance is bliss. Sure there were times when it was eating me up inside, but there were also times when I was really happy with him and I really thought that there was something between us. Like I honestly did. None of my feelings were fake. And I don't understand why he continually made plans with me, why he introduced me to his family and friends, and why he spent all of that time with me - if he didn't know what he wanted. I really just don't get it. And I'm just left here really hurt and upset.

 

Some people are telling me just to give him his space right now and maybe he is actually confused and afraid of commitment right now. Because, he admitted to me that he hadn't been in a relationship for like 2+ years. So jumping into one probably isn't the easiest thing for him. And maybe he'll come around? Although I really don't want to hope for that. I am doing my best not to text him and not to call him and not to be that person who is there at his beck and call. Because I think that if I show him that I do want something serious or nothing at all - then he will realize that if he wants me that I'm not going to put up with this in between garbage.

 

But in the meantime, I'm not going to wait around for him to be ready. I'll go on dates now - because as far as I'm concerned, if we are "in between" then I'm not going to put my life on hold for a "maybe."

 

I must seem depressed because everyone is checking up on me to see how I'm doing. My friends at work all gave me hugs and told me that it's really for the best that I know now, because it would hurt even more if it happened 3 months from now. But I can't help but be sad and upset about it. Because I really think that there's no way that he'll want anything if he doesn't want it now. Unless, I'm being a total pessimist.

 

 

 

I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, I'm sure that I'm not unique to this situation, but I kind of feel myself drifting apart from some of my friends. This feeling isn't true for all of my friends, just a couple. I don't know if it's because they have never really had a boyfriend - but I sometimes feel as if they are jealous of me. I don't even know if that's the correct word - but I I get some kind of vibe from them. It's just like, I used to be really close to one of them - and now I'm not so much. And I can't help but to feel that the fact that I'm spending more time with F is part of it.

 

It's not even like you can say that I am ignoring either of them. Because they live about 40 minutes away from me and it's lucky if we see each other once a month anyway - so I still make time for my friends. Because I know how it feels to be ditched. So it's not the time, it's just how I feel when I'm with them. Maybe I'm overreacting about the whole thing, because they never outright say anything - it's just a vibe that I get. And I kind of feel like I'm out of the loop on everything now.

 

I think that my paranoia about the whole thing, also stems from an incident that happened over the summer. I was with my ex boyfriend at the time at a block party - and the two of them were there as well. I wasn't fawning over my ex or on top of him or anything like that. We were just all sitting at a table talking (and I even asked my brother about this - and he's always brutually honest with me and he said that I didn't do anything) - and I got this weird text message from my friend talking shit about me and my boyfriend at the time. It turns out that the two of my friends were texting back and forth across the table about me and "accidentally" sent me one of their messages. One of my friends apologized profusely about the situation - and I could tell that she felt like shit about it, but the other one didn't even acknowledge it. And I know that I didn't do anything wrong.

 

So, yea, that whole situation contributes to the way that I feel now. So I really try not to talk about F that much to them - because I know how they could get. But there are times that I can't help it because I'm so excited and I am really into him. But again, I don't feel like I should feel bad about my feelings. I think that it just sucks.

I almost feel like everytime I write on here I have to whine about missing my ex. It's not that I don't miss him, because I do. But I really want to NOT miss him. I feel like I am in a weird situation because I don't want to think about my ex but I also am not quite ready to put myself out there and meet someone new. Its almost as if I am waiting for something to either push me back into a horrible mess or push me forward onto greater things, I am just in a limbo.

It's amazing how much can happen in a year. And it's even more amazing how fast that year goes by. I just can't believe that we are less than a week away from 2010. It's even crazier that this decade is over. It's I've accomplished so much in this decade - graduated high school, earned a bachelors degree, and got my first real job. I entered my first serious relationship and have my heart broken from that. I've been in a series of little relationships since then, but nothing as serious and earth-shattering (I think that's the correct word) as that one. Throughout it all, I've learned so much. And I'm wondering what more can happen in the new year.

 

I'm going into 2010 with a new relationship, and I can only hope that I've learned from my past mistakes. Which, I really feel like I have. Yea, there are still some things that I probably need to change - but we all have our quirks and we aren't perfect human beings. 

 

What I really hope that maybe, this time, I picked someone who is right for me. Because, as I've said before, I really like this guy. If I'm being completely honest, it kind of makes me nervous and how into him I am right now and how vulnerable I've left myself. Because, recently, I've kept up a wall and I haven't really truly let someone in for years (probably since my first love) - and now that I've swept myself up in this - I can't take myself out of it - and that whole feeling, that someone can completely destroy you - is scary. It's just that I actually do really trust him. And I don't think that he would do anything, intentually, to upset me because I know that he has feelings for me. It's just scary to make yourself vulnerable again after being hurt so many times.

 

It's also scary being an adult and getting into a relationship, not just to fool around, but to actually see if this person might be "the one" for a lack of a better word. Like I've said before, that I'm not in it just to date anymore. Not that I go into the relationship being like, ok this is the guy that I'm going to marry! But I do enter it with the idea that maybe someday that might happen. I'm not going to waste someone who I can't see a future with.

And not that I'm saying right now I see myself being with him forever. Because, really, you can't know that after 2 months. But what I will say that is that I want to try this out and see how it goes, and not rule out anything. Because right now he just makes me really happy and it's so different from anything that I've experienced before - even my friends/family notice that it's different. Maybe it's my attitude or how I light up when I talk about him.

 

This might sound stupid, because maybe I've just been in really fucked up relationships in the past - but I love it how when we do have sex, we don't just have sex - if that makes any sense. He's actually like, "I want to kiss you right now" and it's more then just having sex to have sex. Like he's having sex with me because he likes me and has feelings about me. The fact that he kisses me during and cuddles with me after - makes me really happy. And maybe that's how it's always supposed to be. But I have never really had that, at least not recently.

 

He just knows how to make me feel really special. So, to sum up this long post that kind of took a life of it's own - I'm going to say goodbye to 2009 and the decade - and look into the future - look into 2010 and beyond - with the hopes that things in my current relationship go well. And that I can experience even more happiness and success in the years ahead.  

The weeks leading up to Christmas I constantly thought about what the holidays would be like without him. I am relieved that I was able to have a wonderful Christmas without him! I had such a good time with my family and catching up with some old friends while I was home for a few days. It is kinda sad that I don't have someone special to spend it with but I kind of looked at it as a time to spoil myself since I didn't have anyone else to spoil. It turned out great! unfortunately it's back to work tomorrow :( I haven't talked to him since the last conversation, which has been about a week. I am leaving in less than a week for my trip. I am really excited that I feel like this stint is going to be the one to really help me get over him. I kinda decided to accept the fact that I think he is a great guy and that if some day things work out for us then great but I need to focus on myself and not on him or our relationship. With that being said I am also very hopeful and truly believe that there is someone else out there that I will be able to fall in love with!...If only that could happen before new years and valentines day (the two WORST holidays to be single)

 well girls i didnt meet him....and that's that. why is that is because im thinking of letting him go for good.  I cant take it anymore dammit!!!! it's time to move on. And during that proccess i'll keep you updated,and i wanna say thank you to those who gave me advice you know who are. I 'll miss him along the way of course he was my first love my first everything..ill love him always and forever. But now i need to focus on me im in a good college and im doing great and im not going to ruin it over some guy who wants me to be his second girlfriend, friend with benefits, and sloppy seconds or whatever it is. IM NOT!!! Today is christmas i have spoke to him but only for a while but after today i won't speak to him ever again. im putting my texts on block so i wont get any msgs from him and he wont get any msgs from me. I might say happy birthday to him in Febuary cause that's when his b-day is (by e-mail). Doing this i know he's going to say bye first by saying we dont talk much anyways so...blah blah. well i agree reason being is because i didnt talk to him. This time im gonna let go either by will power or by force when he says bye first...it's gonna happen. He wont care, he told me before that he doesnt care if we never talk again and i know he wont miss me either because he once said that he chose the right girl aka that someone who's/once was close to me. He's a bunch of bullsh** !!!! chose the right girl then why in hell is he wanting me..it's because he's selfish!!!! and can't make a f**king choice. well im leaving never talking to him again, if he makes his choice of wanting me he knows my number... but even then it'd still be too late im NOT taking him back he put me through too much sh** .  But i know in my heart he'll stay with her cuz she's all he has. And she's clueless she's not the only girl in his life or in his phone.. best of luck to her. and him well i hope someday he'll realize his AWFUL AND HURTFUL ways and change it. Sadly i wont be the one to see that change and/or the one to love it. well this is goodbye my once lover J******  MWAH!!

are.

 

saying

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've been diviorced since July 1st of this year and I still dont know what toi do or feel. I married my Highschool sweetheart,we're both 26 and we share two little boys aged 4 and 2. We married in 2007 after being separated for 6 months. Things were good; my oldest child was 1 and I just found out that I was pregnant with my baby. Then a week or so into the marriage my ex hung out with some "buddies" and supposedly madeout (in his words) with some girl. That's when all hell broke loose. A few months before that, he had ran into an ex, whom is really lost, and started chatting with her behind my back. She wiould send him love poems and love cards etc. I asked hime to put a stop to it. Well, that lasted about a week. I didn't find out again until June of 2008 that they've been talking.

To make a long story short; I NEVER wanted my children to be another statistic (divorced parents). I put up with SO many hurtful words (ex; he said he married me to shut me up) and a lot of lies and backstabbing.

There's days that I REALLY miss him because we were a lot alike. He still talks to this ex every day, and he told me the other day that she's someone that he appreciates in his life. Well, what about me?; the mother to his children,the one who put up with so much and fought for the marrige, only to still be left broken-hearted and with shattered dreams of a family and happy home?

My one question is; what do I do from here? He says that he misses all of us being together and that he just doesn't show it. It makes me feel like I'm the one losing my mind here and going crazy, when I really want to believe that he's the one who's crazy.

HELP!!!

 

 

Getting thru the holidays is really hard this year. My ex and I were separated last year, but still spending time together trying to work  things out. Then, he met the other woman shortly thereafter and that was it.  This is the first Christmas without him since 1992 and it's just really hard right now. He says he misses me and the time we had-I know for sure that he misses our daughter, but I don't really know that he misses me that much. I know for sure that I miss him and still love him, unfortunately. I sometimes wonder why God allowed him to have someone new and not me. I know their relationship has alot of problems and they have almost broken up several times, so it's not that great.  I also know that if someone cheats with you they will cheat on you, so I know it's only a matter of time before one of them does something stupid. Maybe God has something better in store for me in the long run-I hope so anyway. I just really wish that I can stop my feelings for him the way it seems he stopped his feelings for me. It really would be easier to not have to talk to him, but our daughter is happy that we speak and get along, so it's what's best for her. It's been 19 months since initial separation and 3 months since the divorce was final-some days I'm ok , but some days I feel horrible. I feel like I should be over it by now, but maybe 19 months isn't so long compared to how long we were together. I'm faking happiness during this time of year for my daughter's sake and for the rest of the family. I'm just so tired of faking it-I really want to feel happy again and actally stay that way. I'm worried that i will always be alone from now on-partly because of the fear I have, he's all I've ever known and I just don't know where to begin. I'm afraid to ever give my heart out again or to trust again-I'm not even sure that I still believe in love to be honest. I know that will prevent me from getting someone new, but I just can't seem to shake these feelings right now. I also have near zero self-estemm and I just don't think that anyone will want me now-I didn't really attract alot of guys before my husband and I was only 20 and thin back then. I'm 37 and a little big now-not overly large, but a size 10 which alot ofguys find too big. That's after I lost 25 pounds earlier this year. I've also seen the woman that he's with and I don't think she's that attractive at all, but he wanted her more than me so that makes me feel even worse. I'm sick of being alone, but I'm too afraid to do anything about it so I don't know what I'll do in the long run.  This time of year is just killing me right now-I even roll my eyes at all of the jewelry commercials right now-lol. How long can a person be alone after a break-up before it starts to get pitiful?  I also admit that I really miss the physical aspects of a relationship too. My ex and I weren't being intimate during the separation so it's been 19 months for that, too. I don't really know what to do about that either, some of my friends tell me to just find some guy and have a one nighter, but that's just not me. There's a reason my ex is the only person I've been intimate with in life-I just don't do things that way, I guess. Besides, a guy would have to be willing and I haven't found any that seem to be, so the whole one night thing would be out,even if I could act like that. I'm just tired and kind of ready to give up on the whole thing-love and all of it-I hate to feel down all the time-I actually act like I'm fine with family and friends and they don't know that I feel the way that I do. I actually want to start feeling the way that I act-I'm so ready to be fine again. I really do appreciate the things I do have-my daughter, a good family, friends, job, and the home I was able to provide for my child and myself. I'm just trying to focus on the good things-hopefully I will feel right again in time if I keep doing that.

F met my parents this week - and they liked him right away. Which is a very good thing, because they are usually critical of the people that I date (probably because they are losers).

 

My mom told me though that she could tell that I really liked F because of the way that "my eyes lit up" when I saw him, or something like that. I don't even know if I get like that, lol. It's nothing that I can help, if I am, though.

 

But I do have to admit, that I really do like him. I'm even thinking back to my last couple of relationships (or guys that I've been interested in) and there's just something different about this. I don't know how to explain it - because I'm sure that I've tried before. I'm glad that I have this blog though, because it's pretty much a record of all of my feelings and musings. It's interesting to look back at the entry when I first met him (November 4th is the entry - incase anyone cares lol) - and see how I felt back then. I'm probably annoying all of my friends because I keep on talking about him and I tell them the cute things that he's done or random stories. But whatever, I'm just really really really happy right now.

One thing that I really wish I could do is just say to my ex "Hey, I'm a good person and you took advantage of me and used me. no one deserves to be treated that way and I think that you should be disappointed and disgusted with yourself for allowing yourself to treat me with such disrespect. I hope that the next woman that gets involved with you knows better than I did that you aren't really the nice guy you pretend to be all the time." I will never do this but I hope that he knows it! For some weird reason today I am just pissed off at him. I haven't really been angry with him like this in a loooong time so it feels weird. In a way it is better than being sad and missing him because this way I can blame things on him rather than feeling sorry for myself and analyzing what I did wrong. I saw him last night, I don't know why it just kind of happened. We were talking and he tried to start cuddling with me but I pushed him away. I told him that what he is doing doesn't mean the same thing to him as it does to me and that it's not fair for him to be doing that kind of stuff if he doesn't want to be with me. He was looking at me kinda in the way that he used to, you know that gazing look? and I asked him what he was thinking about and he told me that even though he doesn't want to be with me right now it doesn't change the fact that he thinks I'm "amazingly beautiful." I told him that the look he gave me seemed like more than just a look and he said it wasn't. Then I told him, kinda jokingly that he would be a good ladies man if he wanted to be because he can make girls feel special without having any feelings for them (or so it would seem from our conversation). I say I said this jokingly because I was the first girl he ever had a relationship with, let alone slept with. Then he said to me "well, I hope that I have only ever made one girl feel special." Bah! what a load of crap, right?! Hopefully you can all understand now why I am so annoyed with him right now! I know it's my own fault for talking to him again but man, this guy has some balls. He is such a different guy now compared to when we were dating!

I did something pretty stupid today! I texted my ex! I don't know why, I know we were going to give each other space we even have a date set to get together and talk later but for some reason I didn't have the self control not to send this one text. After I sent one and he responded I sent another and then he started to ignore me after a while and I got very upset! I know he is doing the right thing because we really shouldn't be talking to each other right now but damnit I want to be the one to have the last word and instead I got all pathetic and sent a bunch of sorry msgs and pleaded him to respond. ugh. I am so frustrated with myself! I don't know what came over me today, just a bad day I guess. I hope that I didn't scare him away too much and that he will still be willing to talk to me in a few weeks. I guess the reason I am really upset is because I didn't say anything mean, clingy, or crazy to him in the msgs and yet he still didn't respond. Oh well I guess it is over and done with and all I can do now is pray that I have enough strength not to do it again and try to forget about it.

I had another date with F last night. I had such a good time - we went to dinner and then back to his house. I met his parents - and they were really nice. I guess I need to invite him over my house next.

 

So, I don't want to broach the whole - "Are you seeing anybody else" issue before he brings it up - and we have only been dating for like a month (give or take a few days). But, I have to admit, I'd probably be really jealous if he is seeing other people at the same time. I really don't think that he is - because on nights that he's not working he's texting me all the time or we talk on the phone. So I couldn't imagine him doing those things while he's with another girl, lol. Maybe if he doesn't say anything by like January, I'll casually drop it in conversation.

 

But overall, things are going really well and I'm happy with him - and I really do hope that it ends up going somewhere and isn't just a stupid fling-thing. Although, everyone tells me that if it was - he'd be more interested in other things - rather than calling me up and taking me out to places. I guess I can only hope for the best.

 

Dear Mike,

   I was doing a few things today and felt the need to drop you a line. I know once again I shouldn't but I still do. I guess that's just how I feel right now. The need to communicate with you even if you don't. But nothing says I cant write my feelings down and send them. I know I wont get a reply and that you likely don't like getting my emails but until I have given up on you and just have to talk to you even if its just on the email. Not an hour goes by that I don't think of you. I cant get you off my mind and out of my heart. I have no choice so I will eventually but not yet or even close. I am working on it. I tell myself to stop and get over you and realise you have chosen to walk away. But my heart wont let go. Everywhere I look I see you and everything I do I feel you. You always said how I had radar,,, well its still on and I am feeling everything you do. I know when you think of me and I know that you do. I hope its not all bad thoughts. I really only ever thought of you as the best part of me. I only ever wanted to  be with you to grow old and withered with. I never imagined sitting here tryng to stop the tears from falling and realising I have lost you and your love and that you have chosen a different life away from me. I know it happens but we always remarked about everyone else growing apart and certainly never did I ever think you had grown away from me.  I did some laundry today, folded shirts and socks and out fell one of your socks, how to not let the tears fall on that site !! Not possible. I looked at it and thought of all the times I did your socks or laundry and the jokes about the ;laundry magically being folded and in your drawers, how do I just forget all that how?? If you could tell me and help the pain I wish you would.  Yesterday I took Samantha to the Ridgeway days behind the library. Yep the very site of all the locals there was a site haha. I thought though that it felt nice to be in a small town again too. People all nice and giving. I bought Samantha a french frie and a pop and we watched a live band. All the familiar sites from the past rushing back on me. At some point all I wanted to do was get in the truck and go home to Orlando, everything in me pulled me that way. But I know its not home anymore. I looked at Sammy and she was smiling and I smiled at her. She stayed and met up with all her old friends and I went back home to moms. I have a place in the basement now and made it a little apartment for us. Its nice as we have each other Samantha and I and we fixed it all up with some of our things. We will have a fireplace this winter and that's a nice thing. Just wont have you coming in the door full of life and crazyness. A timmys in one hand.   I have a twin bed now, not the king that I am used to. I feel out of place and in the twilight zone right now. I made the bed and as I did it was so foreign to me. Strange sheets and pillows and not my room or the window looking out at the pool. What did we do wrong that made you stray from me and go on without me. How did we get to the point that you could find anything out there more important then Samantha and I to come home to?? Isnt that all you would ever want? I know the job is good but how can you chose a job over the family and feel better to commit to it rather then to me and my loving arms and heart everyday/ I know it happened but just cant find any logic in how it happened or why. Everyone tells me to stop talking about you and to get over you, that you are gone for good etc. I know I must,,,I will do it eventually. I am really trying. Its just some times it is so powerfull and strong of a pull that I cant help it. I want you and need you and feel like I will die without you. They tell me to get on with my life to go out and date and live my life and start over. I am trying to !!!!! I am going out and doing thins etc. I can get you off my mind for a time but you don't stay away for long in my thoughts.  Keith Called and says to hang in there that you will be back and then maybe you wont ?? But he supports me and is there for me. It feels nice because he is a part of you and I feel you in him. I tell myself  ( and everyone else tells me) to date people, that its what I should do to move on. I just see you in everyone I meet or talk to. I compare you and then anyone I am with is not you !!! I hope that will eventually end. I have gone out with Gavin now a couple times on dates. There are a lot of memories there though and it feels weird since we were all friends before. But I am trying to move on as it is what you want me to do and you  have been extremely  blunt in that and the fact that you are gone is the thing that should be yelling at me in the face that you no longer want me around.  I went to the barrel and had chicken wings and they were as good as we always remembered. I will try to stop writing you and maybe one day I will. But please understand that just stopping my life without you is not an option for me yet, maybe soon but so far you are still just as big a part of me as you were 23 years ago when we walked down the isle. I went to  Erie Basin Marina and just had a quiet time to think and look out over the water. I had all our memories to enjoy and think long and hard about. I will get over you Mike just give me time to do it and please be careful with my heart,,,,its very fragile right now and you still hold it in your hands.

I really couldn't think of a title for this entry, haha sorry. I went out again with F last night. I didn't think that I would get to see him, but he said that he wasn't in the mood to go to the bar with his friends and my friend ended up leaving early last night, so we went out together for a couple of hours. Once again, I had a really good time. I always enjoy being with him and spending time with him. And he's a really good kisser - haha - which doesn't hurt. So we have some plans already for the beginning of next week and I'm excited! =)

 

I really feel like this could be going somewhere good because he's the one who's inciated all of the dates - so if a guy wasn't interested he wouldn't have done that. I'm just very happy in this situation right now. Unfortunately, my grad work is kind of slacking because before I met him I had a lot more free time - haha but whatever, it'll get done tonight.

 

 

 

I feel bad that I'm not really writing about "broken hearted" stuff - and hopefully I won't for a while, lol. Maybe this journal can be hope for people who are in bad place relationship-wise - whether they just broke up or are getting over an ex. Because believe me I've had my share of really bad relationships. I didn't bring over my posts from the old message board - but I've had 2 text message break-ups, an abusive relationship, and someone who cheated on me and I couldn't trust. So, I've really had my share, so this whole thing right now is just really nice.

 

Anyway... Enough of my introduction, lol. Since I really don't have the time to be dating more than one person right now, I've pretty much put all my faith in one of the guys (I'm going to call him F). F is the one who doesn't have the same career as me - and the guy who I've pretty much talked about in all of my happy posts, haha. I don't know why, but something just drew me to him. He's such a nice guy and like completely different from the majority of guys that I've dated. The other guy was just too similar to all of my exes and I felt like I needed to get away from that. Plus, I just really like F (I'm sure you knew that already, it's pretty obvious by my blogs). So, yes, I have put my energy into dating F - and he kind of made a back-handed comment to me which led me to believe that he's only seeing me too. But who knows. He did delete his online dating profile - which I'm going to take as a good sign. He said that he just didn't want to have it anymore.  Which I was pretty darn happy to hear.

 

We talk/text every day. He's just so nice. He remembers the little things that I tell him. For example, I was going to a play on Sunday and he remembered and told me that he hoped I had a good time. Now, that's just a little thing - but to me it showed that he cared and was listening to what I had to say. Maybe, I'm just reading into all of this wayyyy too much, but I kind of feel like if he didn't like me - he wouldn't be pursuing me and making plans.

 

Now, I don't want to rush anything, because it's nice in the whole beginning stages - but I just want to see where this'll go!!!!! haha and everything is wayyy too early to say anything, but I'm just curious because I really like him and I can see this going somewhere good.

 

I hope that I'm not saying everything all prematurally and in like a week I look back at this and realize what an idiot I've been, but I'm just really happy right now.  But how many times have we all said that before? haha

Sometimes I get urges to be evil. I feel like I want to hurt him to repay him for the hurt he has caused me. I no longer believe in revenge, but I still think about it. So here are some things I have thought about doing:

 

 

1. Putting some sugar and water in a condom to make it looked used and leave it half in, half out of the trash can. Why? Because he comes to the house while I am not here, and that would make him think I have moved on... or that I am a whore. It would be funny, but I couldn't do it. It could backfire and end up hurting me.

 

 

2. "Accidentally" texting him something. Like, I could write a message to a friend about a dude expressing an interest in getting in my pants. Example - OMG! Remember how you told me so and so had a thing for me? Well, LOL you were right! He was all over me 2nite at work and he asked if he ciuld talk to me outside of work so he could get to know me better! I am so excited! I can't wait to hang out with him." End of Example. Why? Well... I guess I think that if he knew someone else was interested in me it might get him to come back. I couldn't do this because if it involved someone I worked with, I know he would start some drama.

 

 

3. Faking my myspace and fb status's to make it seem like I am having a GREAT time. I did do this on my myspace, because his bf is on my friends. This is one is kinda harmless.

 

 

4. Hanging out with guys where his friends could see me. Why? It's funny and I am immature at times. This wouldn't work though. I lost all my guy friends when I started dating him, and I never have a babysitter.

 

 

Well, those are the ideas I have had. So far, I have fought the temptation of being evil. I'll still think about how funny it would be to do #1 one though.

I've been through the house a ZILLION times. I counted!..I have filed, tossed, destroyed, defaced, shredded, and artistically altered EVERYTHING left behind that should have been taken. I could walk through any room in the house with confidence that every single reminder had been "taken care of"..or did I?

There I am, minding my own business, tidying up the bedroom, arranging things neatly on the dresser and *GASP*....That scary music from the movie Psycho began playing in my head, I felt dizzy, I think I want to faint..this is worse than a Freddy Kruger Movie....NO, NO NO, IT CANNOT BE, THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE.....I SHAKE MY HEAD TO BE SURE I AM NOT HALLUCINATING....OH EM GEE...IT'S THERE...

IT, THAT THING, THE "GREEN FROGGY BANK". Oh yes, sitting nicely next to the PINK HIPPO BANK, smiling at me, the smile was sinister. Both of them there, labeled with our names , the happy couple, Hippo and Froggy. Look how in LOVE THEY ARE. So happy to be sitting right next to each other, so content, not a care in the world...How did I miss it all these months? 

What to do , what to do....do I seperate Pink Hippo fom her love? Do I leave them together to torture me? Think....Sorry Pink Hippo, HE"S OUTTA HERE...you and me, we are gonna ride this wave together, he can't stay...

I pick Green Froggy up and he jingles, OH..$$$$$.....I'll consider it payment for disposal...I dig into the plastic circle holding Green Froggy's bowels intact and yank on it until it comes loose. No Blood, we are OK. I turn Pink Hippo around to face the wall, she shouldn't see this...Wow, ALL QUARTERS! Lucky me, I shake and shake Green Froggy until every last quarter is in a pile on my bed.

Should I let them kiss goodbye? Nah, why make it worse on Pink Hippo. I carry Green Froggy to the Trash can outside and throw him in. I hear him land at the bottom with a thump. Have a nice life Green Froggy...Me and Pink Hippo are going to buy some ice cream with all the new quarters I collected ........

I was separated from my spouse of 16 years back in May 2008 and the divorce was final in September 2009. We separated because he needed to work on some off and on substance abuse issues that he had during the marriage. Our child is now a teenager and it was too hard to hide his problems from her like we did when she was younger. He didn't use during the entire marriage and was a good husband when he was not using-years would go by between episodes. He went to outpatient rehab and I stood by him the whole time. He was living with his parents at the time and the plan was for him to return when rehab was finished. He called me one day about 2 months after being gone and said he didn't think the marriage would work-that he did too many bad things to me when he was using and I deserved better. He cheated on me and said some not so nice things concerning my weight-NEVER physically abusive-maybe emotionall though. I soon found out after that call that he had been on computer chat rooms while with his parents and he wanted to meet a couple of the women he had been "talking" to. He had also gone out with a coworker during that time-his own parents didn't know he was doing this. I was hurt, but I did take vows for better or for worse, besides, nothing came about with those people anyway, so I figured we would make another attempt. Then in January of this year, he moved into a place by himself , but he is 37 so I know living with his parents was frustrating to him. But when he introduced me as his ex wife to someone in march (papers had not even been filed), I knew something was very wrong. He just kept saying that I needed better than him. Then in May-I was alerted to a myspace page by a mutual friend of ours-on that page was pictures of him and another woman that had been taken right after a sexual encounter, complete with descriptions of things done and how much the woman in question enjoyed it. It also said how happy he was that his beautiful lady was finally living with him and how much they loved each other. I was about devastated to be honest-I couldn't breathe at first. I've forgiven him for the most part and I will still not say he was a bad person-bad decisions, but not a bad person. I'm still so hurt though-I realize that everything will probably be for the best in the long run, but this hurt and rejection runs very deep. I'm raising our child and he is doing the right thing by her at least. I've been alone for a long time now and I really don't hold out much hope for a relationship in the future. I wasn't real popular with the men before I met him and I was only 20 then, I know it will be much harder now that I'm 37. He is still with the woman and says that I'm still and always will be the love of his life, but I need someone better than him who will treat me well all the time-not just when he is sober. He has completed rehab  and has been clean for a year now, but he worries that he will "fall-off" again and does not want to risk hurting me anymore than he has. I appreciate that and I understand that he hurt me this last time to push me away because he knew I would not give up on him and he really does seem to think I need better. What he doesn't understand is that I don't feel like I will ever have anyone again and the hurt maybe too hard to recover from right now. I've managed a life with my daughter and i put on a strong face for her and others, but inside I feel like I'm dying. The knowledge of the two of them together just hurts me to my core. I'm doing what I can to get by and try to reclaim my life, but it seems like one step forward and then one step back sometimes. I'm in divorcecare right now and it's helping some, but this road just seems undending sometimes.  Maybe i will feel better when I'm able to believe that love exists again.

I am just getting over my divorce from my husband John. It has been a terrifying experience - okay maybe that is a little too dramatic - but nonethless it has been tough. He was cheating on me through the internet. He didn't sleep with her, but he still told her all of his intimate throughs - things he should have been sharing with me. I watched Grey's Anatomy the other day or Private Practice and Bailey said something like that. It made me cry and I felt like she was me.

I just got back from a 4-hour coffee date with this guy that I met on the dating website. This is the guy who I had been talking to for a really long time through emails - well over a month. I have to say that I had a really awesome time with him. Like this is the first date since I first went out with F where I really enjoyed myself and I left the date excited and wanting more. I just really liked this guy.

 

 

When the date first started we just started talking and it wasn't awkward at all, at least for me. It seemed like we connected on a lot of levels. And I just really enjoyed myself. He walked me back to my car and gave me a hug at the end of the date. It was cute. He said that he was going to talk to me soon and that he wanted to do it again. So hopefully we do, because I really had a good time after this date. I can't say that enough. I'm excited! =)

so, after much disappointment in my first year of grad school I decided to look else where for a higher ed opportunity. I found out Today that I got accepted to my top choice. Which means that I will be moving to Chicago sometime before September! I am so excited to get a new start! hopefully the men in Chicago will be different than the ones around here (hehe wishful thinking). I just wanted to share the good news! Also, date night tonight. Hope it goes well. I don't see myself being super interested in this guy but hopefully we can have a good time at least!

Why is it that somedays I feel like I suck at everything? Things like...

 

 

1) Suddenly wanting to spend a whole bunch of time with Kevin. Maybe that's normal after a couple gets back together after a break-up? This week I feel like he's been indifferent to us hanging out. He enjoys my company when I'm around but is completely fine without me. Before the break-up he would send me a text almost everyday asking if I'd like to come over for awhile...he's only done that once out of the past five days now. I feel like I need a life...or more friends or something. I wish I was stronger and less dependant on him when it came to finding ways to occupy my time. I feel sad to admit that most things I do seem a little brighter and happier when he's around. There's a part of me that is screaming inside for him to get ahold of me, tell me he misses me and wants to come over to see me. Does he not love me enough? Am I not fun enough? What about me makes him NOT want to do this?

 

 

2) School. I am falling miserably behind in school. This whole 18 credits thing isn't fun.

 

 

3) Work. I feel like the managers I work with think I'm lazy. I'm an anxiety-ridden full time college student taking 6 classes and working 20 hours a week. Somedays, my shitty part time job gets the least amount of my energy...do you want to know why? Because I hate it. I've hated it for the past three and a half years.

 

 

4) My friendship with my roommate. I asked her nicely to clean up after herself when she uses my coffee maker. She kindly complied and yet I'm still finding old coffee grounds and water being left in the container for days at a time. I told her again to please have respect for my belongings and clean them if she's going to use them. I'm not asking her to scrub it down everytime she makes coffee...just throw out the old filter and grounds and rinse out the inside basin. It takes less then five minutes. She started getting cocky with me...rolling her eyes and saying she "doesn't have time in the morning." Well, I dont have time to listen to your excuses...I'm going to move the coffee maker out of the kitchen and into my bedroom if it keeps happening. That coffee maker was a gift and I want to keep it clean and well-maintained...not mold and bacteria ridden from never being properly cleaned and old grounds sitting in for days at a time.

 

 

Whew. It feels good to vent.

 

 

So, the night after our first date I went over to Kevin's house and we had a really great night. I can finally say we had a great time together since this whole break-up. The next day we didn't spend the night together and now tonight it doesn't look like we will be either. That's okay because I think taking it slow is smart right now...I just miss him a lot. We went from spending every day  together to not seeing eachother for almost a week. Our texts have been really good the past couple days and I can feel the overall morale of the relationship slowly starting to pick back up.

 

 

But he had an exam at 6:30 tonight and I told him to let me know how it goes and he hasn't texted me at all...which kind of irks me. Oh well, I'm sure he ended up going out with friends afterward. I'm just going to text him goodnight and try not to make a big deal out of it. Kevin is the exact opposite of me with a lot of things. I would have texted him right after the exam...he obviously doesn't think it's that big of a deal.

If falling in love means being bitter, I'd rather stay single!

I was once a dreamer and a believer of fairytales. Everything changed when I saw my Huoda, a schoolmate and a dormmate of mine. He was a senior nd an old resident, while I'm one of the newbies. I met him during a drinking session one night. At first glimpse, I was sure he was the one I've been waiting for. He has the looks and attitude of my ideal guy. The one I've been dreaming and the one I've been waiting. I was made to believe that I did FALL in Love that instant. W

 

Just when I  thought everything is going my way, I saw him with his girl. The special person he tried to deny every time we talk. He was sick that day so her girlfriend had to come over and tend to his need...whatever needs did he have.

 

When I saw the two of them, I was pretty sure I wanted to vomit and be sick all day. I really felt that dooms day had come and put an end to all of my happy times. After that, I drank together with my friend for three nights. Almost all of us did have personal problems that time. I really wanted revenge, I wanted to sucker punch his face to make him feel how badly hurt I was. 

 

It took me a to finally get over him and lose all the feelings whenever we talked. I still communicate with him, of course, I can't avoid it since we were living in one dorm. I tried to be civil every time we see each other and we do pretend we were just another strangers learning to cope with our own mistakes.

 

Right now, I am dating someone, whom I know has a mutual feeling with me, but as far as bitterness is concern, I would like to keep our relationship form falling into deeper stages. I don't want to lose a good friend.

 

So I have been talking to this other guy recently (haha - I was actually talking to him while I was going out with the guy from Friday), and so far he's been really nice. But of course, they all start out that way. We had a 2 hour conversation on the phone last night and he seems really shy (and he's admitted to me he hates public speaking), but I have a bubbly personality so most people find me easy to talk to. Well anyway, he mentioned that we should go out next weekend for dinner and stuff.

 

 

The only slight issue, is that he's 6 years older than me. I really don't care to be honest, because I think that I need someone older and more mature - but my mom was inquiring about him and said that she was "sick to her stomach" about me dating someone 6 years older and she just can't stop thinking about it. I really think that she's overreacting about the whole thing, because she had no issues when I've dated guys 5 years older than me, so what is one extra year, really? It's not like I'm going out with someone my father's age. And I don't think that I should just cast aside a nice person because he's 6 years older than me.

 

 

So the question is, is age only a number, or does it matter? Because I think that a 6 year age difference would be a bigger deal if I was still in college. But I have a full-time job, I'll be getting my Masters in May, so it's not like I'm immature and still in my youth. So I'd like to see how this whole thing pans out. And I don't get the big deal about a date.

 

 

 

I have a date tonight, but I don't know what's going on with my mood lately. I'm totally not into anything at all right now. I just want to hole myself up in my room and sleep. I kind of feel like something might be wrong with me, because there's no reason why I should be upset right now. I was the one who made the decision to leave F, and it was a good empowering decision to make. It's been 3 weeks since that day (I think) and we haven't talked in over a week, and I just kind of miss him. He's moving on with his life and I could tell that he barely gave a shit about me.

 

I'm just thinking that maybe I should have been the one to inciate going out or something after the "incident." But, logically, I know that if I did do that, I would be telling him that it was ok to just fuck around with me and not be comitted. Which is definitely not what I wanted. Then my friends made comments and said that it seems like I have no problem getting guys and it's good that I'm keeping myself out there and not putting up with the bullshit from the guys who don't want what I want. But I kind of think that I was a little bit happier when I was "with" F.

 

Although, I'm even second-guessing that. Because I don't think that I was really happy. Especially not at the end. And my mom said that he seemed to be into himself and not so much into me. Like I was just an accessory that could be thrown away. I'm just thinking that it probably would have been better if I didn't let myself get so wrapped up in F. Which is why now, I'm keeping a distance and not getting wrapped up or excited about anything. I don't know if that's doing any good for me either.

 

So this is the stage after the break up that I don't like the most, not that I like any part of a breakup. But This is the stage where I start thinking what I want in the next guy, what I did wrong in the last relationship, the part where I realize I am alone and how much I hate that fact. I'm sorry I don't hate it I am scared to death of being alone. Being alone gives me time to think, and since my brain has decided that I don't need to sleep, I have more time to think than I would care to. Thinking gets me into trouble, being alone gets me into more trouble than being with someone does.  I do think that this last break up and guy has taught me a few things about myself, and the men I am drawn to, and what I want in a relationship. I've been thinking I busted and still am busting my ass in school to get a degree, so I can get a job that is going to support my son, so if I did that, then why the hell should I be with someone who is working 3 dead end jobs because he refuses to do anything with his life.  I am not necessarily saying that the next guy must have a degree, but he must have goals, and a carreer. Another thing I keep thinking about is how alone I am, even though I am not by any means. I have always been the type who has to be around people, and here recently its been worse. I will do everything possible to not be alone, how is it possible that I have a 2 year old and still feel lonely, or always have either my sister or a friend over at my house, and I still feel lonely.  I guess thinking back to previous breakups I was the same way, I think that is why I jump into the arms of the first guy who comes around. Insert time to mention, my newest problem.  I don't know how it started, but it did, we decided to have guilt free "fun" ok we're both adults sounded ok at the time. Well I broke the rules and fell for him, it is horrible. We are in the same program, luckily he is 4 terms below me, bad thing is, we are both officers in our programs club. So we have to be around each other constantly.  I don't know what it is, I trust him, I want him. We get along great, we can talk for hours, he pisses me off one minute and the next can make me forget that I was pissed at him. Why did I have to go and fall for him. I want to tell him how I feel, but I am scared, I don't want things to get wierd. He tells me all the time he cares about me, and he has a way of making me feel safe, I've never felt safe with any other guy I've been with. He says he is going to miss me when I leave, and he specifically said he doesn't think relationships with co-workers and people you go to school with is approprtiate. I agree, But I want him. and its not in the fact that we have "fun" I can do with out that. Its him as a person. I want to tell him how I feel, but at the same time, I wonder if I am makeing something in to nothing, if its my fear of being alone that is creating these feelings for him.  I told you, whoever is reading this, I hate this part of the breakup, the thinking, the needing to be with someone.  I know what I want now, I want a family, I want a serious relationship, I want it to be my turn for the happy ending.  I wish I just knew what to do about anything right now. Oh well, I guess in time I will figure things out, and I will get my happy ending.

I haven't been in contact with Kevin since noon yesterday. Everytime my phone vibrates I wonder if it'll be him. Before I went to bed last night it felt weird not to exchange the usual good night texts. It felt weird not to wake up to a good morning text from him. I want to text him so bad but I'm not going to. We're not in contact right now...just the way he wants it.

 

 

I can just imagine him contently going about his day, happy as a fucking clam. I wonder if he feels any pain of loneliness. I wonder if he looks at his phone, wanting to contact me as bad as I want to contact him. I wonder what it felt like for him to fall asleep alone last night. I certainly wasn't there...but my pillow was. Maybe he tossed my pillow off the bed altogether. One less reminder of me.

 

 

When you're single your day really opens up. I suddenly don't have plans to see anyone, which gives me a lot more free time. So far all the extra free time has been a boring reminder of what I'm missing. I'd rather be cuddling up next to him, laughing and talking than water my plants and cleaning my room. This weekend will be interesting. I imagine I'll go out with some friends to occupy my time. None of it will be with him though.

 

 

People keep telling me he's going to ask for me back and to try to make it work. When I come to pick up my things from his house on Saturday or Sunday, I highly doubt he'll be professing his love and begging for me to stay with him. I think he'll be cold toward me, stubborn in his decision to not be with me or be in contact with me.

 

 

So be it. Someday I'll find someone who'll love me and actually mean it. They won't dispose of me like a piece of garbage and act as if they could care less. I guess this is the angry part me of coming out. I really don't want him to act cold toward me...I'm just preparing myself for the worst.

 

 

My roommate talked to one of his friends last night and mentioned Kevin dumped me. His friend had no idea (and he's been in contact with Kevin since the break up). If Kevin didn't mention it to his friend...maybe that means he's still not sure if he wants to be done with me for good. Who knows.

 

 

Well, I have to work 4:30-10:30 tonight. It's going to be a boring shift. I won't have him to text on my break. I won't be coming over to see him after work. I'm going to try not to think about it.

 

 

 

My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me last night at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out at the bar. He texted me 6 simple words: Me and u done. Facebook official.

 

 

 

Where is my say in this? I guess I don't have one, right? I don't get the decency of being broken-up with face to face with a real explanatation. I just get let go as if he couldn't get rid of me fast enough. As if that didnt hurt enough...he promised me he wouldn't leave me. And then when he did leave me another night at the bar he told me if he were to end it...he would at least do it in a respectful manner.

 

 

 

Why can't I atleast be owed that? Instead I get told to go fuck myself. I get called a bitch. I get told that I don't want to be seen at his house when I ask to come pick up my belongings...he'll find "some other way" to get them to me.

 

 

 

And do you want to know the most screwed up part? I still love him. I still love him because I knew him at a time where he didn't treat me like that. I knew him at a time where I felt genuinely cherished and cared about. They were the 6 most passionate wonderful months of my life...I really thought he was the one for me. I hoped he would be the one I'd end up with.

 

 

 

Today is Tuesday night (well technically 12:45 am Wednesday). Kevin will be going home on Thursday and coming back Saturday or Sunday. He changed his mind and said I can come get my stuff then. I noticed on facebook that he "hid" the single status so it wasn't publically displayed on his main profile page. Does that mean he might be regretting his decison to break-up with me? If he didn't care about people seeing his single status then why wouldn't he have just left it?

 

 

 

Deep down I hope so bad that he wants to be with me. I have one shread of hope. When I come over this weekend, if he makes it clear he wants to continue not talking or seeing eachother, then I will respect that. No matter how hard it will be. I miss him so much right now. I'm wearing his socks and I have the Valentine's Day stuffed dog he gave me sitting next to me. Isn't that pathetic? But it reminds me so much of him, and I miss him so unbelievably much. I wish I could pick up my phone and tell him how much I love him but I know that would be a terrible decision. Instead I'm going to give him 4-5 days of complete space and time to clear his head. I hope the next however many days go by fast. And I hope he wants to get back together and work on things as bad as I do.

 

 

I have been cutting off communication with the ex to try to start to heal from this breakup. It isn't working very well. I break down and text him or e-mail him. I miss him so much I cant breathe half the time.  He wants to be friends, stay in contact. He wants me in his life but he doesn't want to be mine anymore, and although he may love me more than anyone he has ever loved, he can't be with me...Its still so confusing. I know that I can't be just a friend to him, I am too far past that. I think I will always love him, and if I remain friends with him I will hold out hope that he will want me back one day. It wouldn't be fair to myself to do that. I know that if I ever saw him with another girl it would kill me...but how do I cut him out of my life? My best friend? I dont' know how to do this...I keep hoping that this is all a dream, that it isn't really reality. It's so awful to wake up from a dream of him thinking it's real. How does anything get better? I know that someday I wont feel this awful...but someday isn't good enough.

And the saga continues....We've been together on and off for about 4 years...and he came back 2 years ago..but constantly says he cant be in a commited relationship. We already broke up 4 times in the past year but we both seem to keep running back to each other. I'm so confused by him....2 weeks ago he said we were in an open relationship so  I decided that I was going to call it off and be done. I started dating someone else for a minute... but he was always at the back of my mind. A week later I caved and saw him because he wanted to see me...and I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said no he promised so I gave in. he said he liked seeing me and hanging out with me, but couldnt be in a relationship.  Then  didnt talk to him for a few days and 4 days later I drunk imed him and confessed my love for him...he said I was sweet...and I put him on the spot and asked him why he said he loved me a year ago. he denied every saying that... and then I said that we both had to move on. I said if I wasnt the one...then thats fine, but to let me go. He said that it was ok for me to date other people and I told him I was...I basically told him exactly how I felt and what was going on. I said he wasnt ready and he said he was still a kid and that he still had to grow up. All this crazy talk came out because i was so drunk!!  But the next day i realized what I had said and was sooo embarrased! i apologized to him for my drunk talk and thought he wasnt going to want to talk to me again after that super embarrasing moment!! But to my surprise he was cool about it.

It all seems so twisted but he's like a drug to me and I cant live without him. The next day, I had a friendly brunch with him to catch up and it was great. We didnt talk about my drunk dialing, but we just caught up and spent three hours together at our spot..it was really nice and and he talked about having a family but not being financially ready yet. We both talked in third person but I couldnt help but to think he might be talking about us. Anyway I was still trying my best to see him just as a friend because I was trying to get myself out of this twisted cycle. But at the end of the day...the attraction is still there.

Of course 4 days later we saw each other again and sparks flew and now...we are right back at square one. Its hard to love him, but harder not to love him...and for the moment I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I'm testing him by saying all these nice things and saying goodnight everynight...to see if he responds...and he does every single time. He doesnt really initiate it...but I'm just waiting for him to falter so I have a reason to say goodbye again. Because now i really cant say that he has been that mean to me. He's always been honest with me.

I just cant tell if he likes me or not...and i dont understand why he is still responding to everything that I say...if he didnt like me...wouldnt he just walk away and not respond or talk to me? I get that he doesnt want to be in a commited relationship...but if he isnt hanging out with anyone else and neither am I...does that mean we are in a relationship? Sometimes I think its better to be in limboland than to be single. But I dont want to be trapped in this forever...I need advice....

I deleted all of the text messages that I "locked" from F because I thought that they were cute, and then I deleted his number from my phone. I don't need that temptation anymore, and I certainly know that he doesn't feel about me the way that I felt about him. I know that he doesn't care as much and I don't need to hold onto the hope that maybe something will smack him in the head and he'll realize, because that's like a 1% possibility. So I'm done. Plus one of his friends sent me a message on that dating site asking me why I was on it, oops. lol My mom was like "Whatever, he (F) left you no other choice. What were you supposed to do? Wait around until he grew up?"

 

The date the other night went eh. I wasn't really that into him. Plus his pictures had to be like 5 years old. He looked like 35. I'm 23, I don't want to go out with someone that old. Plus I don't know if I was really into the whole date. Whatever. It was good to just get out. I have some dates lined up for when I get back from vacation, so I guess we'll see where those go. I've been talking to this one guy on the phone for the last couple of nights and he seems nice enough. But you really don't know someone until you meet them and spend some time with them so I guess we'll see.

 

I'm feeling sick right now, so maybe that's why I feel so blue. But I guess we'll see how everything ends up going.

 

 

 

 

It's over

I feel so many things at once. Sorrow, anger, hurt, love...

I love him, I always will love him in some way.

For 3 weeks we discussed everything, my moving there, what our lives would be like together again. What it would mean for me to leave all my family, my friends. I told him I was willing to take that risk, that I wanted him. He was what I thought of as my future, my family, my best friend for 4 years. He needed more time to think, and yesterday he ended things again, he wasn't ready for that risk. He thought if I moved out there leaving everything that I would be sad, that if I was miserable he would be responsible. He was afraid that we haven't fully been able to test our realationship enough to risk that...

I don't understand. He says he loves me, he has never loved anyone more than he has loved me. He says that I am his best friend, he will always care for me, always love me. Says he will be there for me when I need him, that he wants me in his life always...but he can't take the risk to be together. It's so confusing, and I dont know what I feel half the time. Today was the hardest day yet. I have cried till I cant. Cried till I stop being able to breathe, till I am choking with everything. I didn't sleep last night, don't feel like eating...I feel like all that is truly important to me is gone. My life, my future, my love. What do I have left? I dont know what to do with myself. It hurts so much, so so so so much. how can I ever move on? How can I ever stop loving him? I miss him so badly....it's only been 24 hours since we last spoke...what do i do tomorrow...the next day...the day after that?

Everything around me reminds me of him, everything has memories, happy memories of a different time. I feel like I can't be in my own room. I feel like I cant breathe half the time...all my instintcs are to run to him when I'm sad, in trouble, hurt...it's screaming at me to talk to him, to beg him to come back..but I can't cause its really over this time. No more  talking...

I never thought this day would come, I always had hope...I don't know what to do without him, he was my rock.

So lost...so so lost...

 

I'm going on vacation on Saturday, and I just am so happy to get away from it all. I really think that it's going to be good for me. I'm actually doing really well, suprisingly. But I think that it'll just do me really good to get in the sun, lay on the beach, and just get away from the whole reality of home.

 

F is contacting me sporadically and I don't even know what I think about it, because I'm not going to give in and I really don't think that he wants a relationship. I will not go to his house (because I know we will have sex) and like I said before I don't want to do it anymore. I can't be in some dead-end relationship with him. And I'm just really hoping that what I'm doing is good, because I did feel that we had a lot in common and I did like him, but I know that I can't be that girl anymore. I guess I'm just repeating that - because I need to hear it (or read it).

 

But really, I need to get out of this country so I won't see F's texts for a week. Or wonder if he's texting me and look at my phone like an idiot and be disappointed when he doesn't text me. Because, really, deep down, I know that it's over. At least for now anyway. Who know what'll end up happening. All that I have to say, again, is that I can't believe how I'm not giving in, because I normally would have by now.

 

 

 

 

I don't even know where to begin. I have so many intense feelings inside. I'm so tired of letting my ex get the best of me. Okay..well we have been broken up for a year now and he randomly showed up to my house one night. We had broken up because I started getting restless and I wanted to go out more. He's the one that broke up with me though. I was devastated. Okay well we hardly had any contact for a year so I was pretty taken back when he showed up. He said that he had just gotten out of a retreat and he just wanred to see how I was doing. We spoke for a while and then he left. I seriously thought that I wasn't going to talk to him for a long time after that but he called me the very next morning to join him to watch a movie. I went and stupid me slept with him.Okay well it's been about three months now and we still see eachother like 2 times or 3 times a week. I'm being such an idiot. He tells me that he has all these feelings for me but he doesnt know how to deal with them and i'm just there like an idiot. He's a real nice guy but he;s still a GUY.  I may be in denial that we aren't getting back together and he's just using me for comfort. I just need to get this off my chect. i feel so anxious all the time. I need to move on but it seems so impossible at the moment. This is really starting to piss me off. I mae things way too easy for him. Where are my balls!? I know he cares about me..just not the way i care about him. Ugh I just feel dumnb. I can't even think straight right now. I need help!

I am beginning to realize that the best thing that I did was to bring up "the conversation" with F and leave his house when he didn't give me the answer that I wanted to hear. I deserve so much more than "in between" and I'm not going to be that girl anymore. So even though F is still contacting me, I'm not initiating contact first - and I really do think that he knows that I'm not going to stand for it anymore.

 

Also, this whole experience made me trust my guts. I knew that something was up - that he either was losing interests, or whatever else is going on. And he just had been spending so much time with his friends and not putting me into the picture, the way that I felt I should be. Not that I have a problem with him going out with his friends or snowboarding - but I'm not going to be at your beck and call when your schedule is convenient because I have a life too.

 

Anyway, I'm done being exclusive with F. If he doesn't want to be with me 100%, I'm not going to wait around and put all of my eggs in one basket. So I already have 2 dates set up for next week! So we'll see how they go. They are little coffee dates, but you can always get to know a person better on those. And if nothing happens with them, that's ok. It's just helping me move past F even quicker, which is what I need.

 

To be honest, I am really just so proud of myself, because I know that a year or two ago I wouldn't have been this strong. When F told me he wanted something "in between" I probably would have stayed there and been, OK! Sure! And hold onto the hope that maybe if I acted better, or did everything that he wanted - he might want me. But I know that's not the case. If he doesn't want me for the person who I am - or even if he's too scared to commit - I know that there is someone out there who does want me. And who is willing to commit.

 

 

 

Just a couple thoughts that have been going through my head lately...

 

 

1. It is my ex's birthday tomorrow and as silly as it is it makes me so sad that I can't give him a birthday gift and celebrate with him.

 

 

2. I have been getting the feeling a lot more lately, because of our recent conversations, that I am the bad guy in our relationship. you know like, I wasn't the right girl for him but sometimes he comes back to me because I am comfortable even though he knows I am not good for him. Thinking this just breaks my heart because I really wanted to be good for him and I think for the most part I was a good girlfriend but I know there are some things that I did or rather did not do that justify his reasons for not wanting to give me another chance. It hurts to know that i hurt someone that I truly thought I loved and not be able to do anything to take it make or make him trust me again.

 

 

3. I emailed him a few days ago because we said that we needed to talk about a couple things and that it might just be easier to email instead of talk. He hasn't emailed me back, against my better judgment I sent him a txt msg today asking if he got the email. a few hours later he responded saying that he got it and would send me an email back tonight. now I am nervous about what the email is going to say. I dont know why I am nervous because I am sure it will say pretty much the same stuff that he has been saying for the last couple of months either he will say something about missing me and that what we had was special or he will make me feel like crap by saying some mean stuff that he doesnt mean. its always one or the other which is so confusing, I wish he would just stick to one emotion instead of rollercoastering all over the place.

I'm starting to have second thoughts and that's terrible, i mean like for example there are three guys that i like in school and lately i've been talking to one of them alot and it seems good we have a few things in common our ethnic background is the same so we like same foods and share the same traditions w/ our families. And he laughs when i say something funny hehe. So that's good but the there's a problem as there always is he doesn't like me i can tell and also he told me what his type (girls he likes) and im NOT that type DAMMIT. It's funny that we have so much in common and yet nothing will happen gosh that sucks big time.

 

So my point is the reason im having second thoughts is because well it seems to me that no other guy will find me attractive again, the only guy that thought i was gorgeous was my ex and he's a f***ing asshole at least that's i came to find out now. The only guy i mean that's good and bad, if he'a the only guy that finds me pretty then what in hell am i doing of letting him go? That's what i think about alot nowadays. I feel so lost and hurt i don't know what to do now...im torn.

 

Im so much in love w/ him that im thinking of going back to him just based on that he's the ONLY guy who thinks im attractive, just great he got me once again he has me hypoatized im so stuck in his pain web on pain :( No guy out there is willing to do what my ex did and that's to give me a chance that's probably the only good thing my ex has done was giving me a chance. What other guy will? He got me thinking that no wonder im thinking of going back. I dont want to but he's the only one i got. HELP ME!!! :'(

so I started writing this long blog about what has happened the last couple days with my ex and in the middle of it I just got extremely disgusted! with myself and with him. I am so sick of talking about it! I just wish I could forget it all, you know? It makes me really sad to say that because when our relationship was good it was everything I could ask for and more and now I am at the point where I wish it never happened.

Now being single and that it sucks horribly im also in college and have THREE crushes....to be continued.....

I am having a really hard time bringing up the whole "relationship" conversation with F. And part of me wonders if it's even necessary to bring it up - or if I should just let things progress naturally and stop stressing about everything. I'm not an assertive person, at all (hard to believe since I am a teacher). So I really don't like conflict, I don't like to stir the pot, or cause trouble. So it's really hard for me to bring it up, because I'm scared and I don't want to cause any friction or be demanding. I know that F isn't seeing anyone else - or has any intentions of seeing anyone else. He made that more than clear. So I'm wondering if right now if that's enough.

 

 

Also, in my last two relationships we jumped into being official less than a month into the relationship and the whole relationship lasted only about 3 months. I'm starting to realize that having the title really doesn't change anything. Having the title with my last two boyfriends didn't change anything, it didn't make us stay together longer, and it certainly didn't make me like them any better. Things with F and I are going really well - and we are still good after 3 months.

 

 

My relationship with F is also different from the relationships that I've had with guys when I didn't have the title. Like the ones where you are just hooking up with or having fun with - and they don't want anything serious. Because they never made it clear to me, like F does, that they aren't seeing anyone else. They never had me meet their parents or meet their friends. And they never really initiated going out - unless they just wanted to have sex or something. So, I can tell that there's a difference there because F initiates conversations with me, I met most of his friends, and I have a relationship with his parents. We don't just hook-up, we do other things. On normal weeks we see each other 3-4 times a week, so it's not like it's a casual thing, at all.

 

 

I think that I just need to stop with all of my insecurities and just realize that every relationship is different. In another 2 months if F doesn't say anything - then my mind will probably change on the whole thing and I'll let him know that we've been dating for 5 months and that I want the title. But right now I'm really happy with everything - and I don't want to fix something that isn't broken.

I just got back from the most amazing trip of my life! I was in Ghana for a little over two weeks and I learned so much about myself, the culture, and other people. It's funny because I always hear people say that they have had life changing experiences and I would like to say that about this trip except for that I don't want to sound too cliche. The best way I can put it into words is to say that I have learned more than I know how to explain. While I was gone I found out that my ex started seeing someone else. My initial reaction wasnt nearly as upset as I anticipated I would be. Granted it still sucks that he is moving on before I am I think that him dating someone else will help me move on faster than I would have otherwise and in the end that is what I really want. I also know that the hardest part of this whole ordeal has not happened yet because I have not had to see them together yet. I am sure that this will happen eventually and I just hope that I have enough self control to be cool about it. At any rate I am incredibly excited to see where this new year takes me, so far it has been amazing!

Losing what i had or could have had makes me wonder what i could have done differently if i had the chance to go back in time. Has anyone ever think that  "if i could go back in time, i would change....? I do sometimes ok maybe more than that heh. Even though it would be nice to go back and enjoy the good times he and i had and change the wrongs to right, but going back now would complicate things and plus it's too late.

 

Letting him go is one of the hardest things i ever had to do, everyday is a constant struggle not to talk to him. At night is the worst because my usual routine is to talk to him, it feels like as if im going through withdrawls i get sweaty plams, nervous, irritable, nausea, headache, stomachache, bodyaches, and depressed. I try to do things to distract myself like listening to music, watching TV, wash dishes, laundry, play with my cat etc...but the littlest things can remind of him and i go back into a sad state.

 

I understand why letting go is a option it's simple if i don't i'll go crazy and lose any sense of reality. Long ago i always said i could NEVER imagine my life without him but now it has become a reality and somewhat a obligation. I don't know what good could/would come out of this at this point the only thing im thinking about is that im lonely and he's in a relationship still. How could a person like that be in relationship and im not? Basically he's happy while im going through HELL????.

 

It is said that time heals all wounds but love is a wound that leaves scars a constant reminder of who done you wrong and the mistakes you may have made. I don't think we ever forget them we just go on without them, at least try to. The love we had for this person was pure and true that loving someone else the same is difficult or not possible. Maybe that just me it's hard to see myself loving someone else the same or loving someone else period. If i do find someone else i fear that i'll make him pay for what the last guy did and not loving him like i should.

 

God knows i tried to keep our love alive and strong because i cared, which brings me to a memory of a dream i had about him in the dream we were on the phone and i asked why did we breakup? And he replied because "i didn't care enough to be with you." That dream said a lot to me not only he didn't care but letting go was my last option and so i did, but damn it hurts. Knowing self-cautously that he didn't care then why is it so hard for me i guess it's because i realize im not grieving over lost but the person i thought he was or the person i wanted him to be.

 

It's hard for anyone to let go of someone they loved and still love, but we must let go for our sake and theirs. Just like the song goes "I can't make you love me, if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't". That's true. It's still true even if the matter is that person once loved you and fallin out of love, you can't make someone love you even though they once did. That's why it's so easy to blame oneself and ask what did i do wrong? what made you change your mind? why don't you love me anymore? Sometimes times you get an answer from them but even so they already moved on.

 

 

Moven on is easy for some but it's hard for most.

 

 

 

 

first, as I said I haven't really talked to my ex recently. He has been back home for the holidays so I don't see him around our friend circle as much. We've texted a couple times over the last few days and he mentioned that we should talk before I leave for my trip on Saturday. it's interesting because a couple months ago I would have given anything to just talk to him, even if he was telling me stuff I didn't want to hear. Now I feel like I should just tell him I don't have time, I am feeling pretty good about things right now and I don't want to get into either a lengthy conversation about why things went wrong or get into a heated argument. It's really difficult for me to say no to him though so we will see if I can resist the temptation to see him! Secondly, and I wasn't going to mention this because I hate talking about potential guys when in fact they are only potential, I feel like I jinx it or something, but I suppose that is silly. Anyways, a couple days ago I started talking to this guy and I think that I might have a little crush on him (I cannot tell you how good it feels to have a crush on someone again!) He's a grad student at the school I go to as well and just started talking one day while I was working. we exchanged IMs and have talked online the last two nights for a couple hours at a time. I have met a few guys since the break up but none of them really hold my interest for more than one or two conversations but he seems like a nice guy and I think that he might be into me a little bit. Anyways, I am just glad that there might be some potential there :)

I talked to my ex at a friends going a way party this weekend. It was a good talk and there wasn't any drama involved! He told me that he loves talking to me and spending time with me but that 2 things stop him from running back to me. he said that he doesn't feel like I trust him when he thinks he deserved my trust (very true) and we both had issues with maintaining personal space when we were together. I am really glad that he told me these things because to be honest they were the two problems that I had with our relationship. The trust thing is rooted from my past relationships, I just have a hard time trusting people and even when I know I should trust them I am skeptical which I hate about myself. Also, we fell for each other really fast and spent a lot of time together so once we got to the point where we had to focus on other parts of our lives neither one of us approached it in a healthy manner. I guess it was just such a relief to hear these things because they are things that I really hope I can fix in the next relationship I am in. It was also kind of hard to hear that he didn't think they could be fixed between us. I wish that we would have addressed these issues earlier instead of breaking up and then dealing with them :(. I got him a little card for xmas because I knew we would be seeing eachother right before the holiday. he told me not to give it to him because he felt bad that he didnt get me anything and told me to hold onto it incase we ever spend another christmas together. I didnt respond to him when he said this but in my head I was like (WTF?! what does that mean?!) he was prolly just trying to be nice but he didn't have to say something like that. I hate having false hope. prior to that when we were talking about the stuff that didnt work out he mentioned "...Im not saying that we will never be able to be together again, but I can't do it right now." Its just so hard going from one day where I think ok just get over him its over, to the next day having that sense of hope even though Im not so sure that I would want to be with him anymore. I guess it is just nice to be wanted.

Wednesday day before christmas eve is the day he and i will be meeting up hopefully, i know in my heart i shoudn't but.....yes but....... he won't be back for another year so this will be the only time i'll get to  see him. I don't expect anything like getting back together or hooking up i just want to see him before he goes maybe it's like clousure idk.. honestly idk what i'll get out of this but i hope its something good like letting go easier or see a different side of him that is NOT worth fighting for. I need peace in my heart, mind, body, and soul. If meeting him will do that i'll take that chance but if it's not i guess i'll have to find peace some other way...without him. I know meeting him before he goes is not the right way but i feel like its something i gotta do or something i gotta take a  risk at....i dont wanna wonder what if? what if i did meet him? esp for a year!! I read all your comments saying i shouldnt. I will let you know what happens (if we meet). The reason i say IF is cuz your comments got to me and that's good....thank you! :)

PINK HIPPO: "Where have you been? I am seriously irritated that you have been AWOL for what..three weeks?"

 

ME: "I was having a pity party and wallowing in self-created depression and general lack of interest."

PINK HIPPO: "What a complete crock of shit. I think you need to go see a therapist or something because your sense of self awareness seems to be detached from your sense of logic and reason."

ME: "You know, it is Christmas time and the first since the big breakup and I am resenting the fact that I have been replaced and someone else is enjoying "MY" Holiday with "MY" girlfriend."

PINK HIPPO: "Hang on, let me search for my worlds tiniest violin."

ME: "You have no sympathy. Where is your compassion? I'm really sad, hurt, angry, bitter and every other adjective that goes along with being dumped."

PINK HIPPO: "More shit for the crock. What you are suffering from is a classic bruised ego. Textbook case."

ME: "Jesus, you're crass. My heart is definitely bruised, but my ego is fine."

PINK HIPPO: "Yep, just as I thought. Ego. Trust me, I know a bruised ego when I see one, and you wreak of it."

ME: "Oh you want to get into a little semantics war. Ego, heart, inner being, soul, whatever, the point is it's broken."

PINK HIPPO: "Remind me to investigate the validity of that Bachelors Degree you have hanging on the wall downstairs. Nevermind, you will never remind me, I'll make a note to self. OK, so check this out Miss Not-So-Smarty-Pants. The first two months after you were dumped by that stupid bitch, you were heartbroken. Now that it has been over four months, you are pretty much over the pathetic heartbreak. What you are suffering from now is the "what does the new girlfriend have that I don't,  can't believe they went to Vegas together already, she's letting that woman use my golf balls Syndrome." Also known as "Ego". Don't try and bullshit me on this one. I know Ego when I see it. Trust me."

ME: "Huh. You may have a point."

PINK HIPPO: "Oh trust miss thang, I have 'THE' point. You're far past the 'crying yourself to sleep, someone give me a gun, I'll never get over this' heartbroken stage. Your ego is in full effect right now".

ME: "You need to stop watching MTV, you are SO NOT pulling off the urban slang. If you start using words like 'dope' or putting an 'izzle' at the end of everything, I'm walking away "

PINK HIPPO: "Don't be a hater Ego Bitch. If you pay attention, you may actually find your way back to your life you seem to have forgotten about."

ME: "Ego Bitch...nice. Your tact is non-existent. I have not forgotten about my life. In case you forgot, my life was ripped to shreds about four months ago. There isn't much of it left."

PINK HIPPO: "Wow you're scoring big Crock Of Shit points tonight. Your life wasn't ripped to shreds. Your heart may have been, but your life has been sitting patiently, waiting for you to join it for four months. Unfortunately, 'your' life couldn't go on without you. If it could, it would have, trust me. It was forced to waste four perfectly good months being non-productive and boring but it was most definitely NOT ripped to shreds. Get a grip and stop exaggerating. It's annoying."

ME: "You should know, your potential to meet a fate similar to GREEN FROGGY is growing by the second."

PINK HIPPO: "Don't try and turn this shit on me life waster. You know I'm speaking the truth. I have one word for you. EGO. If you run really fast and look in the mirror, you can even see what it looks like."

ME: "Did I ever actually like you? Technically, you should have been on the 'shit that reminds me of that bitch' list. After all, her mother did give you to me as a gift."

PINK HIPPO: "And lucky for you she did. Who else would give you the straight shit and call your ass on the stupid shit you do? You're exhausting me, I need a nap. You're suffering from a bruised ego. Live with it. Now go away and self-evaluate until you find yourself in the real world. "

ME: "I hate you. You're lucky I don't have anywhere else to store my quarters. And you're fat. OK have a nice nap."

PINK HIPPO: "It's spelled E-G-O and has a picture of you right next to it. Ciao Ego Bitch."

 

 

While on my way to work this morning I was thinking about stuff (as I normally do, heh). Anyways for the last few months whenever I would think about my ex or day dream a lot of it would involve what it would be like if we ever got back together or trying to figure out ways to make him realize that I am the one. Well this morning I started thinking about what it is going to be like once both of us start dating other people. As I have mentioned many times before we have the same group of friends so I was imagining what it would be like to both be at the same social function with new significant others and it made me kind of happy to think that perhaps both of us could be better off with other people. It was quite refreshing to think of myself being happy in a relationship and it not being with him. Until recently I haven't really thought I was ready to start dating again and I still think that it might be wise for me to keep to myself, at least until I get back from my trip to Ghana this winter. All I have to say is...thank God I can finally imagine myself with someone else! On a side note, only 8 more pages of writing until I can wash my hands free of this semester and enjoy the holidays! woohoo!

I am just going to preface this post by saying that currently it is 6 degrees where I live with a windchill of about -13. In 23 I will be in Ghana where the high temperature today was 92 degrees! I can't wait!!!! Anyways, not a whole lot of anything exciting has happened with me lately. My friends and I are hosting a Christmas party at our house on Friday night and I am looking forward to that! I have been crazy busy trying to finish up a 20 page paper before Friday and lets just say that I will probably be pulling an all nighter tomorrow night! One of my roommates friends came over tonight. her boyfriend broke up with her earlier today so we had some good girl talk. I am sure it was great for her to talk to someone about it but it was actually really good for me to listen to her because I feel like she is thinking and saying a lot of the same things that I did and even still do after my break up. The funny thing is that when she makes suggestions about talking to him or asking him questions or trying to be friends with him to see if it will go somewhere I instantly think that it sounds like a horrible idea and I want to tell her right away but when I think those things about my situation they suddenly don't seem so crazy anymore. I think it just put my situation in perspective and of course it's never good to see a friend sad but it is also really nice to know you're not alone in feeling lonely and rejected!

 

 

 

 And! not! loving! it! hehe! :/

So today is a semi-special day for me. It's the anniversary of losing my virginity. 

 

I'm not a person who writes it in a diary or anything - I just remember it, because it happened on Pearl Harbor Day (5 years ago!) - my cousin sent me a text today that said "I heard on the radio that it was Pearl Harbor Day - Happy Anniversary!" haha

 

So it brings me back to that day. I was dating my first "real" boyfriend (I had one before that but we were more like friends). We hadn't been dating that long, but I was a freshman in college and I was at that stage where I wanted to have sex because I wanted to see what it was like and just experience it. Right before we actually did it - I freaked out and told him that I didn't want to do it - but he did it anyway because he said that "We were going to do it sometime and I might as well just get over it" - pretty much in those words. I felt so violated and gross after. The condom ended up breaking and we went to go to Planned Parenthood to get some Plan B because I wasn't on the pill yet. But we ended up getting stuck in traffic on the freeway because they were doing some flag ceremony for Pearl Harbor Day.

 

So that's how I remember the day. It's not really the best experience ever - and like I said in a previous post, I think that I tied love and making a guy happy to sex because of that relationship. I've finally grown past that and learned a lot from that experience. But, naturally, I was kind of screwed up from it for a while.

 

But I'm really happy now and that's the main thing. If anyone else wants to share their stories - feel free to write them in the comments!

For me, I can really relate to songs, and they bring me back to a time, or make me feel better. I'm sure that a lot of people are the same way. My new song obsession is "The Saltwater Room" by Owl City. Has anyone heard of it? I think that I just relate to the lyrics right now. I can listen to it over and over again without getting tired of it (although I'm probably annoying my brother because it's been on repeat). Here's my favorite lyrics from the song: 

 

So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time
Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?

 

Great song. I suggest that you download it, haha.

Ahh! I haven't been sick for a very long time! Go figure my immune system decides to shut down the week before finals! Seriously, the worst time of year to get sick! I'm sure it has something to do with how little rest my body has been getting lately. I'm such a busy bee during the week!  I can't wait until Dec 17 so I can just relax for a few days! I don't think I have mentioned this in my other blogs but I am going to Ghana in January with a group to put on some educational programs for youth about HIV/AIDS prevention. Tomorrow night our group is having our final meeting before the trip and we are having a potluck! I am so excited for it, I love potlucks! Now I just need to start cooking! I noticed a status update of a friend of mine on facebook and I just wanted to share it with all of you because it pretty much sums up how I feel... "According to you Im stupding, Im useless, I can't do anything right. According to you Im difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind. But according to him I am beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head. According to him I am funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted. Why can't you see me through his eyes?" Just something that made me think. Mostly because at on point he did see me as all of those wonderful things and somewhere along the line it changed. That's weird and also sad to think about. Anyways, I'm gonna go load up on some Dayquil and start cooking!

 Today i got up this morning and turn on the radio heared one of my favorite songs that made me happy and uplitfted. i started to smile and dance to the beat, for a moment i was happy really happy. i just realized i can be happy, but for how long the song can only last for so long. so that day when im happy without the song(s) i wish for that day every morning i wake up and every night before i fall asleep. when that day comes ill have a smile on my face from the heart and wont cry. ill get over you someday till then ill cry for you and miss what we had. i dont know when that day is.

I'm running out of blog titles because I feel like everytime I write a blog it's just me whining about missing him! well, ladies, let me tell you...I am done being depressed about this break up :) I was thinking today that all of the times that I am not obsessing over him and thinking about what I did wrong I am actually HAPPY! I have been waaay too hard on myself and I am just going to say F it and have a good time. He's gone, there's nothing I can do about it now. I have a lot of good things going for me now...good job, school work, and some awesome friends and family. I couldn't ask for much more and I feel selfish for being so bummed out lately! So, as you can probably tell today was a good day! I had a revelation of sorts and I am looking forward to making the most of what I have right now. Also, thanks to everyone that responded to my last blog it really helps to read all of your inputs! As big of a fool as I made myself out to be over that whole ordeal I think that it needed to happen in order for me to get to this point. I am not saying that I am over him or that I won't miss him anymore but I think that I can control how much time I spend feeling sorry for myself and focus on the good things :) yay for me!

Yea, I think that I might just be crazy - I'd like to thank all of my ex-boyfriends for that. lol. So disregard my last post (for those who read it) my paranoia.

 

 

And thanks Blooms - you are so right

Overall the weekend went pretty well! I stayed busy hanging out with friends and didn't get too emotional about the ex! I thought about him a lot and thought about calling/texting him a lot but I was able to refrain so I suppose that it a good thing! I started my new job and so far I really like it! I am glad that I have another thing to keep me busy! I think that I am starting to put myself into an unhealthy mindset. Whenever I get sad about my ex I just start thinking that all wee need is a little time apart and then we are going to end up back together. I know this isn't realisitc because he has not shown any interest in dating me in the future and in fact says that it might not even be possible for us to be friends in the future. I need to stop thinking like that because I know that once he makes a big gesture to move on (i.e. new girlfriend) I will be more heartbroken than I would if I just accepted that it is over for good. Ugh!

I started a new job today! It was such a relief to get a job offer finally! I quit my job in August because I thought that I could get by and just focus on Grad school. Unfortunately I started running out of money much faster than expected. I have been frantically looking for a job for at least 2 months and get this. I get 2 jobs offers in 1 day. I suppose that is just how these things work! Anyways, I am very happy that I have another thing to keep me busy and to focus my energy on! I wish I could call him and tell him about the job and how it went. A part of me feels like he would want to hear about it but I am not going to risk it because it would hurt to make the effort to talk to him and have him be confused as to why I am talking to him. I made it to the weekend and now I am going to have a girls night, do a little baking and have some wine :). I can say that over all I am happy with life, I just feel like a part of it is missing still and I hope that part starts to disappear!

If you are not familiar with PINK HIPPO, read some of my earlier posts so you can appreciate this one!

 

It's been a little over a week since I forced a separation between Pink Hippo and her true love Green Froggy...and during that week, I've been observing Pink Hippo and have come to the conclusion that she is my hero. She is my role model and my mentor.   She has handled the breakup of her relationship like a champ. She has her Big Girl pants on!

 

At first I thought she would go psycho on me, and do something stupid like steal my car and attempt to locate Green Froggy, rescue him and bring him home...I was sure I would spend sleepless nights listening to her cry and sniffle for hours...but..to my amazement, she is acting like a fricken piggy bank or something!  No complaining, no crying, she hasn't lost a pound, she's always smiling, she's perfectly normal. I'm worried she may be repressing her true feelings and have a major meltdown all of a sudden!

 

So last night I decided we needed to have a heart-to-heart talk so I could assure her it was OK if she needed to cry, or yell, or scream. I needed to let her know she could lean on me for support...that I was here for her no matter what...and so I went to her...

ME: "HIPPO, you know, I know you are trying to be strong and put on your "happy face" and all, but it's OK to cry, I know you miss Froggy and I know you are hurting in side"

HIPPO: "Could you move to the right, you make a better door than a window, thank goodness for DVR"

ME: "I'm being serious, you need to let it out, express your pain so you can move on. I'm trying to tell you that I am here for you"

HIPPO: "I wait all week for Grey's Anatomy and you have to pick THIS time slot to talk"

ME: "I am going through the same thing and I understand how  devastated you are"

HIPPO: "Did you know that Meredith's Mom had once been in an affair with the Chief? I must have missed that episode, she committed suicide you know, Meredith really struggled after finding her mom's diary.  I sure hope someone buys me the Complet Set of all Seasons on DVD for Christmas"

ME: "Don't try to avoid the subject, come on cry, scream, tell me you hate me for throwing him in the trash"

HIPPO: "You know, if you really want to gain some perspective on life, you should watch Grey's Anatomy. Take Izzy for example, she has cancer AND she got fired AND her best friend died a few episodes ago. Did she lay down and die? NO, she's trying to live her life. And then theres Bailey, she got a divorce, she's trying to raise her son alone and run a department and yet she makes it to work and saves peoples lives everyday. Shit happens. It happens on TV, it happens in real life. If Izzy and Bailey can survive and get through life everyday, then so can we. Now are you finished because I have a date at 8:30 and I need to rewind the last 15 minutes you made me miss before I start getting ready"

ME:"OK, so yeah, like I was saying, if you need to talk, just let me know. Have a nice time on your date"

HIPPO: "OK I will let you know. I'm going out with the TAN HAMSTER from down the street in case you were wondering. Don't wait up for me."

ME: "Huh. cool, I won't. OK then, talk to you later" *thought to self: he's like an inch tall and MAYBE 1/2 lb if that..yikes*

HIPPO: "OK"

 

When I think about it, she's right, I can lay down and die, or I can dust myself off and live my life..it's the only one I got. I think I'll buy Hippo the Complete Set of Grey's Anatomy on DVD for Christmas. Something tells me we both will enjoy it!

 

Afterthought: Are hamsters messy?

 

I really need to block or delete the ex from facebook. I see that he writes on a mutal friends wall and it makes me jealous. I have no idea why! mostly because he used to be awful at keeping in touch with people and for some reason it bothers me that now he is trying to connect with all of these people again. Also, part of me feels like he is trying to flirt with them even though I know that, that is not the case. I hate having this feelings it makes me seem like a crazy person!

I woke up this morning with a pain in my gut because I really just wanted to roll over and see him laying there next to me. I thought about just staying in bed all day but then I decided that I would wake up and put a smile on my face and hope that if I do this long enough I will trick myself into feeling happy, which I hope will ultimately turn into true happiness again. I constantly have that urge to text him or call him. I think that the thing that keeps me from doing it this time is that I know I will be able to talk to him in a month (we set a date to get back together and talk). I hope he is missing me right now too :(

 

 

that absence makes the heart grow fonder... apparently it is true. The ex came home yesterday. So I guess he isn't "the ex" anymore. We'll call him "W" now. We had a long discussion Saturday night thru texting of course.. We talked about things and what we wanted. I told him that I was ready to move on and that I hardly remembered him. That was the absolute truth. I realized that to be honest with someone else, you have to be honest with yourself first. I really felt like I was forgetting him. It had been 3 weeks, but I couldn't remember what it was like to have him around. Hopefully that makes sense. I mean, I could remember things about him, but I couldn't remember why he meant so much to me.

 

 

Well, I guess my honesty bothered him because he got so upset that I was moving on and he started begging me not to. He said "I haven't moved on, so you shouldn't either.." and I was like "Well, its been a while, and I'm ready for change." and then I went to bed around 2am. At 7am Sunday morning I was happily asleep when he started texting me again. I remembered that he was picking up little man from his mother and bringing little man home. So I got up and dressed and waited. He came in and asked if I had to work, and I said no, and he said okay, I will be back later. I didn't say anything. He came back around 5:30 yesterday and we sat down and talked and I guess we are going to give it another try. I do believe that if we can't get it right this time, then there will never be another try. I decided to not ask what he had been up to the whole time he was gone, and surprisingly he came out and told me on his own. He didn't do drugs, which I believe. I always know when he has been using drugs. He said he drank a lot and hung out with his friends. I believe that for the most part. A lot of his friends are friends on my Myspace, so obviously I already knew a lot of what was going on. I really am a master of finding things out. One guy posted "party at the crib".. well, I figured that he had moved in with W and the guy W was staying with. No big deal. He says he didn't mess around with any girls. I'm just going to trust that he didn't. I really don't think that he would come to me if he had been "with" other girls. His phone did go off at all hours of the night last night and honestly I was kinda getting mad, but I didn't say anything. I'm trying to be a more mature person. I know that W has female friends.. but maybe it was his guy friends still thinking that he was single. Who knows? I'm not going to ask.

 

 

Hopefully, everything works out this time. I am really going to put effort into the things I do wrong and I hope he does the same.

Do you ever wish that you could look into the future and see what happens? Because I really hate all of the not-knowing. Like am I selecting the right guy? Will it work out?

 

Or maybe, I'd like to actually read minds and see if he actually likes me too. I get into this whole thing, which I'm sure all girls do where I'm like - Does he actually like me as much as I like him? What is he thinking about? Does he want to be with me? What does he want?!?! It's really crazy sometimes - and I probably annoy my friends when I get into the obsessive state, lol. But, I'd really like to know.

 

Like this new guy that I'm seeing - he messages/calls me everyday and today he asked me about my previous relationships/how long I've been single for, etc. and the other night we talked about if we wanted to have kids - and how much. All of which my friends claim are good things. They said that he wouldn't be saying those things, calling me, or making plans for other dates if he wasn't interested. But I'd like to know for certain. So it would be nice to look into the future to see what happens.

 

But like, how am I to know what he's doing. Like if he's seeing someone else too and trying to decide who's better - me or her. I wouldn't like that, and he can be doing that right now because it's not like we are exclusive or anything.

 

See this is why I just like being in a relationship. I like having that security. It's fun to date and all - but when I really like someone, I like to know. And I mean, we've been on a few dates so obviously it would be a little crazy to already be in a relationship with him. But what I don't want is to have this dating limbo for like months. My friends end up doing that all the time - and I've been in those relationships as well and they aren't fun. Because you are constantly questioning what the other person is doing/being obsessive. lol

 

Or maybe it's just me and I'm crazy haha.

OK so again, I'm minding my own business, looking for a nice quote to put on my E-Mail signature at work..and I come across a quote so funny, that the sip of Pepsi I had just taken was inevitably destined to either spew from my mouth like a Tomahawk missle, hit my beloved 24 inch monitor like splatter art or choke me to death...i instinctively held my mouth shut with every muscle in my face and like the miracle our bodies are the Pepsi found its way up my nasal passage and out of my nose LOL...NOT PRETTY! ...ok so if you have any liquids (or solids for that matter) in your mouth , here is your warning to swallow, spit or chew NOW!

 

Here's the quote that sealed my nasal destiny:

"Having the love of your life leave you and say, ‘we can still be friends' is like your dog dying and your mom saying ‘you can still keep it'."  - unknown

 How true is that? 

This will be a very short post because there is absolutely nothing I can say to improve this absolutely brillant array of words...plus, I need to go to the restroom and see if I can devise a q-tip out of toilet paper and get the Pepsi remnants out of my nasal passages!

I am so excited!

 

The guy that I kind of like (ok, who am I kidding, I really like him) called me up today and we were on the phone for almost an hour. And now I'm just like in the best mood ever and I don't even care that all of my friends are busy/sick and can't hang out tonight.

 

I'm just hoping that things between me and him go really well because I am really into him. Like I said before, he pretty hits everything on my "list" of things that I want in a guy. And he's pretty cute too! So after all of these ok (and some really bad for me) guys that I've been dating, I like found someone who I feel like is really good for me and is a really genuine person.

 

And I feel like such a dweeb because I'm all smiley and I keep on talking about him and I'm so excited for my date with him next week. I also feel as if he really actually likes me too - because he is putting the time in to call me, and I'm not always the one inciating everything. But he doesn't come off as desperate either, because it's not all the time or right away as soon as he wakes up. To me, it just feels like he's into me and he's not into me because he desperately wants to be with someone. I hope that I'm actually right and I'm just not reading into stuff. But I just get that feeling.

And I'll say it again, I really like this guy already

One of my friends just showed me my ex's facebook account - and all of his newest pictures are pictures of him and his new girlfriend smearing chocolate all over each other's faces and making Halloween Houses - and I'm just irritated at the whole thing. Especially since all of his facebook status's were "wishing my baybay a happy birthday" or "I'm so happy I found my baybay she's my one true love. it's so amazing to find someone to love so much."

 

Like wtf?!?! Really!!!! We didn't break up that long ago and he's claiming to have found "his one true love."

 

I mean, I probably shouldn't care because all of his stupid facebook messages annoyed the shit out of me anyway - he was way too clingy and too mushy for my liking - I'm more of an indepedent person so the whole clinginess thing really bothered me - and I definitely would not have been all for the smearing chocolate shit - but still!

 

I guess I'm just annoyed that he moved on first and it seems rather quickly - with already finding his one true love and all. That's all. I should have never looked on his stupid facebook anyway. It's bad news. That's why I deleted the jerk to begin with.

 

And I like this new guy wayyyy better anyway. He's more my type. More reserved, has a real job, doesn't act really immature and all clingy and shit (yet) but like how are you going to know about the person after a couple of dates. I wish that I could just take a crystal ball and look into the future and see how things end up going with this guy. lol

I just posted this on my other breakup advice  blog too. Check it out:

 

Has anyone tried this out? I'm currently on an online dating site (one that's free) and I'm just trying to figure out if it's really worth it. I'm meeting a couple of guys who I feel like could be "potentials" but how are you supposed to know if they are telling the truth or if they are full of shit? But I guess you could say that for any dating scenerio (aside from if you are friends first). Because how many excellent people are you going to meet in bars?

I'm just wondering if these guys are on these sites for the wrong reasons? Like I don't want to meet up with all of these perverts who want to have sex with me. I'd actually like a relationship - not a casual sexual hook-up. But I guess that's like anywhere else - I just have to weed out all of the guys that are really completely wrong.

If you have tried online dating, what's your experience with it? Good/bad? I know that my best friend's cousin's (2 of them) actually married people that they met online. So there is hope! lol I just hope that's not the exception to the rule, haha.

I've had a really bad string of relationships. I really do not know what my problem is, but I seem to constantly go for the person who is completely wrong for me.

 

 

This past May, I had to opportunity to date two different guys exclusively. Guy #1 was a police officer, had a nice steady job, and seemed like an overall nice guy. However, when we went out on a couple of dates - I found him kind of dull. Like I was reaching to make conversation with him. Now, I don't know if that was my problem because I happened to meet another guy at around the same time. Guy #2 was a college drop-out (he had a 0.0 average and was actually kicked out), working part-time at a retail store, and was tens of thousands dollars in debt. However, Guy #2 was funny and seemed to have a good personality. Now, I don't know WTF attracted me to Guy #2 but I decided that it would be a good idea to date him instead of Guy #1.

 

 

Long story short, I knew that the whole job thing would really bug me. Guy #2 was 26 years old, living at home (which I don't necessarily think is bad because I live at home as well), his $60,000+ in college loans was in collections, and he was highly unmotivated. He had absolutely no desire to get a new job or want to improve his life. According to him he "loved" his life and there was nothing wrong with it. Of course he loved his life!!! He was working with people my student's age! (I'm a HS teacher). I'd love having no responsibilities and pissing my days away at a crappy job. And I wouldn't have cared so much about the job if he actually tried. I mean, I offered to help him write resumes, I looked online for jobs that he could apply to, I even GOT him job applications! Everything that I did for him was met with an excuse - or saying that the job was "too hard." Of course any other job would be harder than standing around the cell phone section of Best Buy!!! But you have to expand your mind a little bit!

 

 

OK, so that really wasn't a long story short - I kind of got a little lost in my venting. But seriously WTF was I thinking! I should have listened to everyone who warned me about the fact that I just would not happy with a guy like that. But I thought that I could change him. Obviously, that whole relationship ended (which, while I'm happy it did - I am not happy that he tricked me into thinking that he wanted the relationship to work and then preceded to break up with me 3 days later via a text message - but that's a different story for a different day)

 

See, I think what my problem is is that I want to fix people. I think that I could be the fixer. I could have helped him get a job and change him. But maybe they don't want to be changed. Maybe I just need to find a nice, normal guy with a job and a college education. I just wonder what could have been with Guy #1. Although, if I wasn't into him then I really shouldn't have forced myself. But if Guy #2 did not come along, I definitely would have given Guy #1 more of a chance. I'm just not into the whole dating two people at the same time. Which I really should be more if I want to actually get out there and expand myself.

 

 

dfgdgdfgdfgdfg

Ok, here we go! *deep breath* My breakup was back in July of what is now last year, 2008! July 14th to be exact! I had been dating my High School Sweetheart since Freshman Yr...Thats almost 8 years with the same guy. We had had 1 breakup prior to the last during the whole duration of our relationship! He was my everything, my best friend, my first in every way! First Kiss, 1st boyfriend, 1st love, 1st Sex...and so on! One Saturday he had agreed to come and volunteer with me at a work related event which was to benefit children and families! I love volunteering but its not really his \"thing\" BUT he agreed just to spend more time with me. We lived together at his parents home since our lease in our old place had just ended and we wanted to save more $ for our 1st home. The whole day was perfect! We played with the children at the event (we all know how AMAZINGLY adorable it is to see a guy interact with children, it just melts my heart) After the event ended @ 2:00pm we decided to go to the beach since the event was sooo far from where we live and we rarely make trips out that far! We drove to a little rocky beach on the coast of Cali and had lunch and drinks at a little seaside bar. He talked about our life in the future and our seaside house we would have and boats we would ride when he made it big $$$ It was great! We talked and talked! We hadnt really talked and enjoyed \"one on one\" time in awhile! After we walked along the shore and he collected me flowers that were along this pathway ( I know it sounds cheesy BUT it was heaven) We took silly pictures with our phone and kissed as the sunset! After sunset began our long drive home. On the way home he took a nap while I drove...we had both expressed to eachother how GREAT the day had been and held hands the whole way home! We got back home and he went back out to run errands like he always does and I stayed home to nap! He returned around maybe 9:00pm! He climbed into bed and held me tight while drifting to sleep aswell...suddenly I get a phone call to come to a near by party with all of our friends. I distinctly remember us looking at eachother and contemplating if we should go, we decided \"sure why not\"! That was the BIG mistake! When we arrived people were well past \"tipsy\" and on there way to \"DRUNK\"! We played a game or two of \"beer pong\" and he retreated to the the backyard to play poker with the boys! I spent the majority of the night with my best friend. I dont know anything about poker so I would stop in to say hi and kiss him on the head and run off again! It was really late now, almost 4:00am! The poker game had spanned these hours and my best friend had just left. There were only a few people left at this party and the remaining poker players. I sat next to him and watched the game...I had NO IDEA that they were playing for MONEY! I told him \"Babe, Can we leave soon? I\'m tired\" he said \"yea\" More time passes and I whisper to him, \"hunnie, we have to get up early, we need to leave now\". Little did I know that he had been taking DOUBLE SHOTS of \"JOse Cuervo\" all night and the pot was up to $400! He suddenly yelled, \"there\'s fuc**ing money ridding on this game, we\'ll leave when I say we leave!!!\" with this annoyed look! I felt like ****! He had just \"embarassed me\" infront of all his buddies and a few girls. He \"shut me up\" and made me feel like I\'m nothing!!!! I was PISSED...Instead of being a reall B**ch and yelling back or shoving the chips *like I wanted too* I walked away and called my best friend to pick me up and drive me home. I called a cab when my friend didnt answer. Once my cab called me to let me know they were there my DRUNK EX walks in the house looking for me! Hes now ready to go at5:00am! He LOST THE GAME and had to fork over $400! *he was drunk and mad* He goes outside to see a cab and tells it to leave. He tells me to get in the car and we are going home. The whole ride I sit silent *the silent treatment* ! He trys to kiss me with his drunkin breath and I just turn away! I ask him to appologize but he says \"No, I didnt do anything to you\", he said that he wasnt disrespecting me but I \"needed attention\"! ok folks, for years I\'ve let him get away with doing things I dont like and that are disrespectfull to me...WHICH WAS MY FAULT...I just guess that night I wasnt gonna let it go any longer! We reached our house and thats when it got PHYSICAL! At this point he was mad because I wouldnt kiss him without a apology and about the poker game that he thinks he lost because of \"me\" and I told him, \"Im tired, lets talk about it when we wake up\" he insisted we talk NOW!!! I open my door to get out off the car and he grabs my arm tightly...I look at him like hes crazy and he pulls me back into the car...I tell him to let go but he doesnt SO I rip my arm from his grasp! I calmly walk into the house and I feel like its over...but I feel him walking extremely close to me, too close. I walk past our bedroom to the bathroom. As I enter the bathroom he enters with me, I turns and tell him to get out quitely since his family is sleep! He steps back and I close the door and lock it! He forces the door open dispite the lock and I tell him to get out again and that I have to go to the restroom! He does...I do my business and get ready to open the door. As soon as I unlock the door HE FLYS IN AND GRABS me by the back of the neck and shoves me out! As he shoves and grips my neck down along the hallway I gather myself after each time but as I do he just grabs me agaiN! His grip was tight and all I cant think of is \"nothing\"! Everything just happens soooo fast that you cant quite understand it at the time...I finally get a grip and realize that \"this guy is putting his hands on me\" and that I need to do something! We are yelling at this point. \"he\'s telling me to get out and I\'m telling him to let go and stop pushing me!\" at this time I see his father coming around the corner witnessing his son do this... My ex shoves me up againt the wall next to the front door and his hand slips and reaches my neck! I was scared then, I felt like he was going to strangle me... My ex shoves me over the front steps of his house and I fall to the cement...my head nearly hit the parked car out front! OUT OF EVERYTHING, I rememeber the look of \"HATE & ANGER\" in his face when I picked myself up and turned to look at him. His deep breathing, tense muscles, and bloodshot eyes hovering over me! His Dad broke it up outside on the sidewalk where he had brought me. My purse and its belonging were all over the street since he threw it around the neighborhood. His mom wakes up to bring us in and make us talk...at this point the last thing in the world I want to do with this guy is TALK! They tried to keep me in the house against my will. The dad locked the door and sat in front of it...the mom sat on the other side of me to stop me from leaving! She asked \"do you want some tea?\" I thought in my mind, \"HELL NOOOO\" I\'m sitting here bruised and bleeding on my knees and from scratches and she offers TEA! I distract them and make them think Im going in the kitchen to get a drink and I escape throught the garage door. I jump in my car and start to pull off slowly when I hear the BACKDOOR OPEN!!!! I begin to speed up because I am afraid to be there around him! I hear the BACKDOOR CLOSE and I drive away without looking back! I just needed to get away! To clear my head! I leave to a gas station and fill my tank which was on empty as I cry my eyes out and call me best friend to ask if I can stay with her! *something told me to drive back to his house, but I didnt* The next day I go back thinking we have alot to talk about and that his family will be compassionate with what happened to me...NOT! The brother open the front door and wouldnt even look at me and his mom that I\'ve known for years and years was ! I was confused and hurt...Did I just dream that he did all that? Little did I know that as I was pulling off that night my EX\'s hand had gotten stuck in the handle of my back door and I had UNKNOWINGLY dragged him two houses down!!!! I was shocked and felt TOTAL GUILT ! Even though he had \"knowingly put his hands on me and hurt me\" I felt like it was all my fault! GUILT IS what gets us WOmen! We feel like its our fault when its NOT! Late that night we meet up in a parking lot,he looks beaten up and tired and so do I! We stay quite for atleast 5-10 min in silence and he dropped the bomb that its over...I look to him with sad eyes and disbelief...You would think that I would be the one breaking it off...but he did! He said he cant \"take this\" and that I should \"find another to love because he will\"! He said I have 2 weeks to move my stuff out...my head is spinning and I have no grip on myself or the world around me @ this point...I actually break down and \"ask him not to do this, not to leave\" *this is highly abnormal since I never BEG or have gotten to that point, But then again it wasnt a normal situation. I try to hug and kiss him goodbye but he just turns away! I get out and walk to my car and tell him, \" I love You\" he just looks at me through teary eyes and drives away! He couldnt even say he loved me one last time??!! I sit there in the parking lot thinking its a nightmare, its a joke, that he\'ll come back and realize that he cant do this BUT he doesnt! How does 7-8 years of loving someone be gone in a flash? How do two people who smile ann laugh and swear there love to eachother in the light of day, hate and lose eachother in the dark of night\"? It just hurts so bad...Anyone have any words of wisdom or uplifting? Please tell me if you do! <3 sexybizzyb
mjac 2524 Posts	Posted - 01/02/2009 :  20:51:58        Hey girl, That is a doozy of a story. I\'m sorry to hear about what happened to you. Had he ever been physical or yelled at you before this? You said something like he disrespected you more than a few times before. I know that it seems like it all ended in one horrible night, but it had to have started somewhere, which is why I asked the questions above. Did you guys fight a lot leading up to this? Do you think that maybe because you hadn\'t spent time alone in so long that he just drifted apart from you? Do you think he was debating whether or not to break it off before this night happened? In any case, that\'s the point of the book that this forum supports. It\'s a tool to help you think through the relationship - the faults, highs, lows, etc., and it is supposed to help lead you to some sort of realization about the demise of your relationship so you can learn to let go and move on. So it\'s been 6 months. Have you run into him? Has he contacted you. Where are you living now? Sorry you\'re going through this, but reaching out is an important first step. MJ
superunicorn USA 23 Posts	Posted - 01/05/2009 :  09:35:29        Hey, I also am in the midst of the end of a relationship - 7 years together, 5 married, also ended VERY quickly, also my first everything, we were together from 18 (the end was his decision, though like you, it should have been MINE!) I know your head is spinning and the pain is unbearable, but I will say, like MJ stated, this must\'ve started somewhere long before this night. It will help you to understand \'where the love went\' to know this. Love doesn\'t go away in a flash, and the pain of seeing someone you are so close to exit your life so dramatically is unparalleled. In the long run, you are better off - this guy has the potential for physical abuse (my ex, too). His family who you\'ve known for years also seems to have flipped a switch - there was likely something \'switching\' for a while. I know firsthand...losing the love of your partner and the family is traumatic. Tell us how you have been doing! I am about 5 months out of my relationship and its still a roller coaster, but remember - you made it this far!! Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.
celstu1 3374 Posts	Posted - 01/05/2009 :  10:38:33        aaahhh I spent 10 years with my ex. Owning a house, engaged, planning the wedding... 5 months engaged and he says I changed and he didnt want to get married. I also wondered what happened overnight. The day we broke up we went to an engagement party at my moms house. He worked the previous night and was tired and grumpy, but we went. At the party the women there wanted to see my gown, which was in the house. So I showed them, then came out and sat on the lounge chair with my fiance. I told him they all loved my gown and he said he couldn\'t wait to see me in it and I would be the most beautiful bride, etc... etc... etc.... we went home a couple hours later, argued about something and he drops the bomb that he does not want to get married. It felt sudden, but after months of retrospect, I realized it was coming, it was coming all along and subconsciencely I knew it all along. He never wanted to get married, everyone knew that. He would tell me that he\'d marry me, but when marriage talk came up with other people he would say how he was never getting married. When someone got engaged, he always had rude comments like \"Why?\" or \"There goes your life!\" etc... Now thats its been 6 months for you since the breakup, have you been able to see more clearly where the breakdown was happening? Im sure it was not as sudden as it felt. Have you talked to him since then? seen him? communicated in any way? If only we\'d stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time!! ~ Edith Wharton
mjac 2524 Posts	Posted - 01/08/2009 :  09:41:47        Yeah, what\'s the latest?
sexybizzyb USA 51 Posts	Posted - 01/08/2009 :  13:10:32          REply to mjac: Yes, we had fought many times before this but little dumb fights. He had gotten physical with me one other time maybe 1 yr ago, the 1st time we had broken up. It was in our own apt when He pushed me and I had hit the wall...it stunded me because at that time it was the 1st time he had ever done anything to EVER hurt me since we were 15 yrs old! Before this he was always very protective and never wanted to hurt me. When I say PHYSICAL people think \"beatings\" or something really serious but maybe I shouldnt down play it? I dont know... The lack of time together I dont think was to contribute to the break of the relationship. We lived together so we always spent time together. As for him wanting to brek it off and weather he had been comtemplating it for awhile...I dont know? I\'d like to think he wasnt but now thats some time has passed I have learned and heard alot about my EX...and I just dont know. It really amazes me how you think you know someone INSIDE and OUT but as soon as they gain a new title... \"SINGLE\" they change...they become this person you never knew and someone I\'d never want to know! I have seen hime since the break up ONCE! I saw him @ a house warming party that our mutual friend was throwing...I thought I would be fine with it BUT I wasnt! I come to the party late and people are all drunk...keep in mind that Im really only there for my friend and not with all the drunkin fools there! One of thoses drunkin fools happens to be my ex...He STONED too! When I 1st get there I feel great! I happened to have just got my hair done, have a really cute outfit on, and as soon as I come into the party EVERYONE is hugging me and saying how they havent seen me in forever(I had not been around that certain crowd for months because they are the friends that HE introduced me too) The night moves on and my EX is just giving me these evil looks. When I\'m in the same room as him or even in the vacinity he looks toward the ground...it was freaking me out! Why was he sooo mad? He broke up with me! Later I figured that its because he expected people at the party to segregate me from the party and not talk to me BUT I\'ve always been known as a sweet person so NOT even his buddies had a reason to shun me... Later I stroll into the dark living room where there is nothing but two couches in the big room...I squint me eyes to see whos on them and I see him \"cuddling\" with this girl Ive never seen before under a blanket! I dont know what to do or think. I turn around and walk to the hallway where I process what I just saw...I had never in my life seen him with another girl! Especially doing something sooo intimate and familiar to what me and him use to do..He use to cuddle with me and whisper sweet things to me and now to HER! I felt jealous, hurt, betrayed, and foolish! I held in the tears though!!! Later everyone gathered in the kitchen and he came in with this drunnkin girl who is laying on his chest as he leans against the kitchen counter. They are both wasted and use eachother to lean against so they wont fall! The BIG BIG Shocker is when he tells her \"thats my EX girlfriend\" the girl glimpses at me and starts to back away from him all the while asking him \"should I get off you?\"...he replies \"NO\" and pulls her back to his chest! Thats when I lost it! I had to get out of there! I grabbed my keys, my friend, and my dignity and left! I said goodbye to the remaining people and walked out...I saved the tears for the ride home!!! Besides that party I havent seen him! I have messaged him once through a public networking place KINDA like Myspace! But that didnt go so well either...
gettingstronger Canada 1284 Posts	Posted - 01/09/2009 :  02:03:56        yikes! yes it\'s really hard to see your ex, especially to see them flirting or acting sexy/ sexual with someone else! That bit about them being drunk and leaning against each other, then him pointing you out to her as his ex, was pretty much over the top. that\'s what drunk people do when they\'re confined in a room with an ex. Stupid things. I had some pretty crazy events happen in regards to my X after our breakup too. I feel for you girl. Breaking up isn\'t easy. But you\'ve got a good head on your shoulders and I\'m wishing you lots of love!! -gs
sexybizzyb USA 51 Posts	Posted - 01/09/2009 :  12:50:21          THANKS A BUNCH gettingstronger!!!! Breaking up is way too hard but talking it out with people like you make the process a lil bit easier! I wish you lots of love too! <3
gettingstronger Canada 1284 Posts	Posted - 01/09/2009 :  13:05:13        Thanks!! I need it-! haha! :) Please write about whatever you want to get feedback on or just get off your chest- everyone here has an idea about what you\'re going through and sometimes it\'s hard to talk to other friends about a past breakup, because you don\'t want to keep bringing it up with them- ya know? But here we know that the process can take time...
Bridgett_13642 USA 25 Posts	Posted - 02/05/2009 :  17:26:05      Wow sexybizzyb, heck of a story. I\'m sorry your heart still hurts. I can\'t imagine if I were to walk in only after a month and see my ex with another girl. You opened my eyes tonight reading your story. Now I see that although I havent thought about it, this could very well happen to me sooner than I am ready for. Perhaps I should stay as far away from his side of the neighborhood as possible. I am a stubborn girl, and would probably make myself look like a school girl if I saw him on someone, atleast at this point in the breakup. ARRR! Just one more thought to take to bed tonight. OUCH MY HEART HURTS

I feel like shit holding the hurt and tears inside so close to having breakdown. he hurt me so bad so so so bad i guess the reason why is because i recently read our e-mails we sent to each other love e-mails what he said was so sweet, kind, and convincing right then i cried and cried and cried and let out a big scream and throw the closes thing near my hand. why did i let one guy break me? why did he break me? what the fuck did i ever do to deserve something like this from him? not only did he break my heart but he also broke the person i was, the person i can be tomorrow and the next day, my spirt, my soul, and everything in between.

i hope i never have to see him again in my life ever cause right now i have so much hate towards him and anger...yet i still have love for son of bitch. why idk i miss the person i thought he was maybe. he knew how much loved him he just didnt give a damn or felt the same way,sometimes it hurt so much that i cant breathe alli want to do is sleep, watch tv, eat, listen to sad love songs, and eat so far ive gained 10lb or more since we let gohard to move on but it seems i cant or wont it's not that i dont want to letting go is a decision a life long choice it DOESN'T happen overnight, a week, a month, and not even a year. eventually the memories will fade but not all the way cuz the love is still there well at least on my behalf not his. i'll always lovedeep deep deep down under all the anger and hate

I had two dates this weekend. It's actually kinda strange because I really haven't dated anyone in a few months and to have two dates in one weekend seemed a little over ambitous for me. I had fun both nights. The first guy and I just got pizza and watched a movie. It was pretty chill because we kinda knew eachother previously in a non dating kind of way. But I think that is where the problem is for me. Although he is a really nice guy and super smart the whole night I was kinda like gosh I hope he doesn't try to kiss me. I have a problem with not being able to see someone as more than a friend when I have previously viewed them as only a friend. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, but I do feel bad for misleading him. I probably shouldn't have agreed to a "date" when I pretty much knew going into it that I wasn't interested in him in that way.

 

 

Saturday night was a little bit different. We went out to dinner and then to a movie. This is the same guy that fixed my windshield wipers a couple weeks ago. I am attracted to this guy and we get along great. we joke around with eachother and I like having that easy conversation. BUT I kinda have the feeling that I probably shouldn't like this guy. My intuition is telling me that it's a bad idea. When I think about it I don't think that we would connect on a very deep level in the long run. I am having fun with him now though so I think I will just keep my gaurd up and if he asks me to hang out again do it, and see what happens. I am not interested in finding a serious relationship right now. I want to just meet people and see where things go.

well his birthday passed and i did it w/ out texting him or calling i feel good and more confident that ill do just fine. In the back of my mind sometimes i think how he and i got to this point, to a point where we dont talk anymore it hurts a lot everyday mostly at night. I know im doing the right thing but sometimes when doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do, i know that now an always will. Now that i know that he's not the one for me it seems like a lie something i cant accept deep down no matter how much i hide it with a smile or laugh, what he did was cruel and sneeky and just plain wrong in so many ways....how could he do that to me, to my former friend? 

 

 

The worst part is that he feels no shame or feel that he did anything wrong. I say that im over him but am i really...no i dont think i ever will well at least not anytime soon. He was a big part of my past we shared things a good friendship and much more i told him things we made promises and to have a future together, now im starting to think it was all a lie at least on his part it was. If he does decide to change his mind and want a future with someone its not gonna be me unfortunately it might be her my former friend. This situation really sucks happiness is easy to find but once you lose it it's hard to get it back ethier it's a person or in general for yourself.

 

 

At this point and that it has been over a month since we last spoke i dont think he'll apoligize ever :( hopefully by the end of this year all i want from him is an apology hopefully that will ease my heart alittle bit. He has caused so much shit within two years to us, our friendship, and our relationship, and effected future friendships/relationships for me.  He done all that and not even say im sorry he could at least do that but wont.

 

 

 

I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like I can't move on from this. I have been going through steps to try to get better, even doing the breakup handbook...it doesn't cure my missing him. I still love him so much, and I still think we are right together. I just don't understand...I really trusted our realationship, I trusted him. This breakup has been the worst one I have dealt with, the others were so much easier to move on from but this...I feel sick to my stomach about this. I can't close my eyes without seeing his face, his smile. I dream of him! I can't shake this, and it doesn't help that he says he still loves me. It only confuses me more, I really, really need to find something that will bring me out of this. I feel like i'm sinking and I'm loosing myself. I'm so lonely, I don't have a strong support group to help me through this. I don't feel like my friends are really there for me. I feel so isolated from everything. It's killing me. Everyone telling me it will get better over and over and over...When will I find myself when I look in the mirror? I don't feel like I'm even the same person anymore. I trusted too easily, loved him too much. Why do we never learn? Why do any of us go through this?

Things have been going pretty well the last few days except for the fact that I am absolutely dreading this winter weather right now! In about 2 weeks I will be heading down to Florida for spring break with some friends. We are renting a house just north of daytonna beach, I am so excited to get some sun! It's going to be a little strange because the group of friends I am going with are all mutual friends of my ex, luckily he's not going! I also just booked a flight to Chicago for next week, I have an interview for an assistantship at a school there. I am hoping that goes well because I would love to get up and move to Chicago this summer. I kinda feel like I need a new scene in general. In other big news, apparently the place I work at might be going on strike starting March 7th. I really hope that doesn't happen, I don't need the stress of a strike on top of everything else! Oh yeah, and I almost forgot. I went out with a guy the other night. I had a pretty fun time it was very low key and just kinda hung out, which is just what I needed. I don't think I am interested in him in a romantic way but it sure was nice to get to know someone new a little bit. He helped fix the windshield wipers on my car too!

well it's here and it's coming fast yep my ex's birthday is coming up soon and that's a day im not looking foward to at all, one how do i not say happy birthday to him? two ive always said happy birthday to him ever since we met, three damn this is going be a challenge from hell. The good thing is i think of it this way im glad i said goodbye to him early like i did because now i can test myself if i can really do this and prove him wrong cuz right about he's thinkin my birthday is coming up so i know she's gonna txt me happy b-day. Man does he have a ego or what hehehe to me his birthday is test day for me but honestly it's not gonna be easy. Were women and are choices are never easy.

 

 

love, god it's a game.

Back when we first broke up I deleted him from my facebook and then once we started chatting up again I added him back on. I noticed last week that he deleted me from his facebook again! I don't care so much that he did this because to be honest I would rather not have the temptation to check up on him but I didn't want to delete him again after I already did once and then added him back on again. So, I was content with him deleting me. Then today I got on facebook and noticed that his sister also defriended me. I mean I guess it makes sense, I will probably never talk to her again and I am surprised I even noticed that she did it. Anyways, it's just kind of weird that these people I basically considered family at one point aren't even friends with me on facebook anymore.

So the date tonight went...so-so. He suggested a nice restaurant and told me he wanted to pay for everything. That was a pretty thoughtful gesture...throughout the night I offered to help pay several times (because we are poor college students) and he declined my offer everytime. In the beginning of the night both of us were hesitant when it came to conversation but as the night picked up we started to become more comfortable and like the "old us."

 

 

After dinner we went back to his house and talked and cuddled in his room for about two hours. He told me we could talk about the break-up and that it wouldn't be a big subject we had to keep secret. Well, I should have known better than to open up this can of worms...because it came back to bite me in the ass. I asked for his perspective on that night and the whole week and it pretty much sounded like he really was ready to be done with me. He went bowling with some friends Tuesday night...worked on a cool class project Wednesday...doesn't sound like he was too heart-broken over losing me.

 

 

Thinking about that bothers me. Like really bothers me. While I was sitting around crying, listening to sad songs, and pouring my heart out into this blog...he was out having fun...doing things like bowling. If that isn't a slap in the face I don't know what is. Normally, I would never wish anything bad on anyone I loved...but I want him to feel how bad he hurt me. It hurt me to the core to hear him call me names and dump me as if I was a fucking piece of trash.

 

 

Well, after he finished telling me his side he said he could tell something was wrong by the look on my face and asked what it was. I welcomed this opportunity to be honest with open arms and said..."If you break-up with me in the future could you do it face-to-face and with respect? I really value our relationship and it hurt me a lot to hear you call me a bitch and send me a text saying you were done with me."

 

 

Big, tough boy couldn't handle this. Mr. Too-Hung-Up-On-Himself couldn't take my honesty. He immediately pulled away saying, "There you go again! You promised you weren't going to bring the past into our fresh start. You're only setting our relationship up to fail by expecting I'm going to break-up with you again."

 

 

Well, duh. You broke up with me at 3 o'clock in the morning while plastered drunk.

 

 

We quickly smoothed things over and he gave me a hug and kiss good bye and told me to have a good night and a good day at work tomorrow. So...I guess we're okay right now. We didn't say I love you at all tonight...which makes me sad. I still love him with every ounce of my heart but I know it's probably a good idea to wait and not rush into it. I don't know the next time I'll see him either. Maybe it'll be tomorrow night? Maybe it'll be in a few days. I just have to keep reminding myself that that's okay.

 

 

I shouldn't be wrapped up in the next time I see him. I should be out with friends, doing homework, smiling. I should be creating my own life and practicing optimism. I WILL do that.

 

 

Sometimes I think about what I would say if he broke up with me again. I've played the scenerio over and over in my head, thinking up perfect lines...but really there are none. There are no magic words to tug at his heart...there is no perfect scenerio. I've tried so many times to be perfect and its never gotten me anywhere.

 

 

As hard as it is...I'm going to try to stop focusing on the break up so much. There's a reason he wanted to try again...and it's reason enough to move forward and put the past behind us. Completely behind us.

 

 

Rule #1: I'm done bringing up our past problems. It's time to move forward. Think about the present and the future with great optimism. Completely erase "break up" from my vocabulary.

Today is the day of the "big date." I think it's good we decided to start over and begin the process by incorporating a first date. Now it really feels like a fresh start. He's coming back from his parent's house around 2 o'clock so I'm assuming the date will be in the evening. I'm a little nervous...but mostly excited. Nervous because I'm still not convinced he won't just up and leave me like he did last time.

 

 

But this is a fresh start and I'm starting to look at it as a win-win situation either way. If things are great the second time around, then good. But if he decides he doesn't want to be with me and dumps me again, then that's okay too. It will be the final straw...the shove I'll need to rid my life of him for good.

 

 

I still harbor some bitter feelings toward him. What I would love is for him to go out of his way to make me feel special again. To make me feel needed and appreciated. After you hurt someone wouldn't you want to do everything in your power to make it up to them? Kevin doesn't work that way. And do you want to know why? Because he's selfish. I think deep down he feels his reasons for dumping me are so valid that he shouldn't have to apologize. I feel a bit disgusted by that. I hope he proves me wrong and gives me the heartfelt apology I'm longing for. I wouldn't need him to profess his love for me or promise to stay with me forever...all I want is an apology for drunkenly calling me a bitch, telling me to go fuck myself, and dumping me through a text message. Six simple words: You and me done. Facebook official.

 

 

Those words resonate in my head like the chime of a bell.

 

 

Tonight I'm going to put a little extra effort into how I look. I'm going to paint my nails and even use the Crest Whitestrips I have sitting around. I'm not so much doing it for him...I'm doing it because I want to be on my game, feeling great about myself and my life. I don't want to look as though I haven't been lounging around in my pajamas, pouting for the past five days.

 

 

I haven't seen Kevin in five days. We haven't said I love you since the break-up either. It really is a fresh start. I'm going to try to be hopeful and optimistic about it.

So far blogging on this site has been pretty helpful. I feel a sense of relief and clarity after I write and the feedback from others is great too. This winter has been particularly difficult for me...and the sudden shift in my seemingly great relationship is no exception. To give you a better idea of my current circumstances...I'll give you a little background information about my personal life. I apologize if this blog sounds like one big pity party, I appreciate those of you who bear with me.

 

 

My mom was 17 when she got pregnant with me. My dad and her married young and went through a messy divorce inwhich my mom battled for custody of me inspite of my dad. The court determined my mom to be a drug addict who was unfit to raise me and I was left to be raised by my dad. Well my mom, having lost the fight for me, gladly dumped me on my dad and disappeared from my life for awhile. As I got older I would see her off and on. When I was in middle school she got married to an abusive man who not only beat her but called her horrible names infront of me. She divorced him after 5 years of marriage and is FINALLY the most stable I've ever seen her.

 

 

I partially blame all of the shit my mom put through for my anxiety. I've had terrible anxiety since elementary school. For some reason it always seems to be worse in the winter...and the past few months have been particularly bad. Things were going great with Kevin but I was always afraid of losing him and the great relationship I'd acquired...which possibly intensified my anxiety even more. On December 28th I had a panic attack so bad that I went to the emergency room...I had a number of panic attacks since then but thankfully they're starting to let up a bit.

 

 

I think Kevin got sick of my anxiety because he said I was always negative and everything was always about me and my "anxiety problems." This really hurt me because I thought he understood my struggle...he was the one who sat with me in the emergency room, rubbing my back and holding my hand. I felt like I could trust and rely on him. He said he loved me and could see himself marrying my someday. When you love someone you don't give up on them...or at least that's what I thought. Maybe my anxiety was bringing him down. Maybe I should have focused more on the positive. It's kind of hard though when you feel like your mind is a mental battleground, waging war on itself.

 

 

So...with us starting over I guess I will try to be more optimistic and as much as it hurts...not mention my anxiety problems as much? I'm going to personally work on them. I'm seeing a counselor and I have an appointment in 10 days to see a doctor about going on medication. I know I can do this without him...I just wish he was there as my partner, someone I can rely on.

Well, Kevin texted me last night. We went 60 hours without a single word. It felt like it'd been forever since we talked. He texted me asking if I could pick up my stuff from his house the next morning. This obviously really hurt me because I got the sense that he couldn't wait to get me out of his life for good.

 

 

I asked if there was a part of him that had wanted to take a break from eachother and then talk and re-evaluate our relationship. He said yes but he didn't think things would be any different the second time around. I pretty much told him that I could be happy without him but if I had to do things over a second time I would start out slower and spend more time at my apartment, giving him space and working on the personal insecurities I brought into the relationship. He finally said, "Ok Courtney Im willing to give one more go if you want." So I told him I did and we would just start out giving eachother some time and space.

 

 

About 20 minutes later he sent me a text saying "So I was thinking I should take you on a date." I was in complete disbelief when I read this. I actually closed it and then re-opened it to read it again. It was the first time in days a real smile had crossed my face.

 

 

I don't want to give a guy so much power over my happiness...that's why we've decided to take things very slow. I won't be seeing him for a couple days and I'm going to spend more time focusing on myself and my life separate from him. Tomorrow I'm going to a play with my roommate Jenny. I think that will be a good start. If there is one more incident where Kevin breaks up with me though, I swear I will be done. He may be the one who initiated the break-up...but I will be the one to actually follow through with it. I'm pouring my heart and soul into this relationship to try to build it up from the ground up...if he can't genuinely appreciate that and want to work on things as much as I do...then I'm done.

Last night i had myself a good cry and it was because i was so used to talking to every night and this time i can't not ever. I don't think i'll ever stop crying i mean he was part of my life and now he's a part of my past, it's crazy to know that we once promised a future together, but now we won't....wow love hurts like a bitch!!!!

Unfortunately, I'm still struggling a little more than I wanted to here in the new year. I feel better on most days, but still go thru "dark" periods of time when all I can think of is him and how badly  I was hurt. I put up an online dating profile nearly a month ago, but it has managed to make me feel worse than I did before. All of the men expressing interest in me are either old enough to be my father or are going thru a separation, but not yet divorced and I feel like that's wrong to do, given my circumstances outlined in earlier blogs.  I am really starting to feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and I better get used to it. It just sometimes doesn't seem fair that so many things were messed up on my ex husband's end and yet he's the one that has someone that loves him and he loves, gets to travel as he wants to and just generally has resumed a good life. I'm raising our daughter alone-he does pay his support though, struggle financially to keep above water-much less travel, and go thru life still having feelings for someone I can't have. Why can I not just not love him anymore, just replace him in my heart the way he replaced me in his? I'm trying to look on the bright side of life everyday, to appreciate the small stuff , but somedays just really are a struggle. I'm accepting of the fact that I will be alone for along time, I may not like it, but I accept it.  I do that to try to avoid giving off "desparate" vibes when I do get out, so guys won't be afraid to approach me. I really don't even want full blown relationship right now anyway-I just want to stop feeling so ugly and unwanted, you know? Just a little something to raise my spirits and give me hope for the future-something to take my mind off of some of this and make me see that there is life after the divorce.  Do I ask for too much? Maybe I am, who knows? I just want to take the good days and have them all of the time and not go thru the sad ones anymore-I really do everything I can to avoid them, but they catch up to me on occasion, no matter how hard I try to avoid them. Well, time to get back doing all I can to bring back the good days.

I have been having more communication with the ex than what I should be having. On Wednesday night I went out with friends and he was there as well. We had a great time talking and he was acting like he was really into me. I didn't let anything happen or let him even get close because the last conversation that we had was about him wanting to be with someone else. Then on Friday night we ran into eachother again while out with friends. he was a little drunk and told me that he told the girl he was seeing that he didn't want to talk to her anymore. I asked why and he said that he realized what we had was very special and that he still likes me a lot and is attracted to me. I tried to shrug this off because he was drunk and he has told me this kind of crap before. Its been a couple days now and I keep thinking about that conversation! I need to stop running into him and make more of an effort to spend time with friends that I know aren't associated with him becuase I am sick of this rollercoaster!

I think im at the lowest point than i ever been in my life, when something goes wrong i always add my situation with my ex and that makes it that much harder to get by. For example i get a bad grade or somebody says something bad about me and i say in my mind i gotta issue with my ex now this!!!!

 

My situation w/ my ex stresses me out that i can't consintrate w/ daily life as a college student. I feel like im slippin away or sinking slow and painfully, the one thing that made me so happy is gone and i can't adjust to my NEW life w/out him. Everything is screwed up and sometimes i blame him....99% is his fault and 1% is mine.

 

I have bad days and i add on by thinking about him what a life huh? He's my dark could just hovering w/ a smile on his face. Right now as i speak he's talking to his gf and laughing being an secretive ass****. I feel that i have to be a sleeze to get a guy like him again, he was the only guy who thought i was beautiful.....now what heh?

Hey y'all well i know i've been down a lot lately and getting tired of my sob stories and feelings i don't mean to put anyone in a bad mood but i know some or all of you understand the pain we go through when losing a love one and losing the person you once were (that part maybe just me) but anyways the only reasons i smiled today is because of school and realize what a great family i have. In school im doing good and even when im down my family is there to cheer me up with great laughs. Laughing is good for the soul esp when your sad. 

 

Despite of what's going on in my peersonal life i find that time is the only way to heal my broken heart that is if i let it, knowing how long it has been since my ex and i spoke im starting to realize something.....good i guess.

I am a pretty die hard Vikings fan so I was super excited to watch the football game last night! My roommates and I headed over to our guy friends house (also the house of my ex) so that we could watch the game on their projector. I had a lot of fun hanging out and watching the game and it was probably the first time since we broke up that I was able to hang out with my ex without having the feeling that I need to talk to him or that we need to work things out so that it isnt akward when we are around eachother. I pretty much realize that things are just going to be weird for a while and that maybe that's ok. I still haven't seen him with the new girl that he is dating but when I thinka bout him with another woman it doesn't eat me up like I thought it would. I can go days at a time now without having the urge to text message him or call him! Anyways, it just really does go to show that getting over a person just takes time. I can't wait til I am over him for good! I watched a couple episodes of How I Met Your Mother yesterday. I would recommend watching the first few episodes of the second season because I think it depicts a pretty good picture of what it is like to get dumped!

My soon to be ex-husband (Big Spoon) and I (Little Spoon) used to be that "Golden Couple."  Young and vibrant, we felt on top of the world when we first moved to our new city together from our super small state.  We frequently lamented the "perfection" of our lives and were very thankful for such good fortune.  

It didn't take long before cracks formed.  Big Spoon started to struggle w/ our new job (we work in the same office doing the same thing - different floors therefore little to no contact) while I seemed to have it easy.  He began working on weekends to ensure that he didn't lose his job.  I stayed home and supported his need to work.  I felt neglected but I assumed it was just part of being a new wife with a husband who wanted to contribute to our well-being.

After he found out that he was "in the clear," I thought that we'd finally be able to focus on our relationship more.  It didn't happen.  He wanted to get involved in softball, a hobby that he had gone without for a while.  Again, I was supportive since I knew that playing softball made him happy.  1 night a week quickly turned to 1 night and Saturday.  That quickly turned to Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday nights with away tournaments on Saturday and Sunday...every week.  I felt neglected and I told Big Spoon such.  "It makes me happy."  How could I argue with that?

I began expressing my disappointments in my journal - an exercise I had learned in counseling so long ago.  We had problems, every new couple had that period of adjustment.  Big Spoon began sleeping in the guest room; I kept writing in the journal.  I wanted to go to marriage counseling.  Big Spoon was against it.  

One day Big Spoon read my journal.  He wasn't happy with my thoughts.  He moved out 4 days before our 2 year anniversary.  I hadn't given up that we could work things out.  I kept pitching marriage counseling and Big Spoon was still against it.  I still couldn't give up on us.  I loved him still, even with all our problems.

I disagreed with his increasing relationships with these women at work.  Their reputation was such that it would not be beyond them to break up marriages of "friends" or set up their "friends" who were having trouble with their marriages with other people.  He defended them.  He still does, even though he knows it's not right that they've been doling out his cell phone number.  I don't think he cares, he's got a harem of female "friends" helping him through this difficult break-up.  I asked him to be sensitive to our situation, to me, and stop until things (i.e., divorce) were worked out.  He refused.

I've changed my phone number and I've avoided communication with him.  And for a while, I was doing great.  I was strong; I surrounded myself with friends and family.  After a while, I felt like I was moving on with my life.  But Big Spoon decides to stop by my office every so often to "see how I'm doing" even though it's apparent that I've been trying to avoid him.  I changed my cell number, for crying out loud!  All he has to do is ask me how I'm doing and I'm completely derailed.  After all the calls to my mom, sisters, and friends, attempting to regroup, his "concern" shook me to the core.  It shook me because it was so transparently fake.

Now I'm as undone as the day Big Spoon moved out.  Why should one person have so much control over my emotions after all my hard work to control them??

I can't wake up in the moring without saying in my mind this is day #... It's awful for that to be the first thing on my mind but the good thing is when i go to bed that night i think i made another accomplishment i didn't speak to him today yay!!. 

I guess im on my way somewhere in this letting go thing, but im not getting to confident because i still remember who im letting go of..my first love the person i made my everything. Now im left with nothing huh? ( not having him that is) and plus i lost my best friend over a guy. That's what i get for falling loving with someone. Then i came to find that this guy never really loved my at all and doesn't care about me.

Then i find out just recently that within the six years i've known him i wasted my time, energy, and love on someone who doesn't give a damn about me....now. But did once upon a time. How could he do this to me, to anyone? Tell me he loves me and cares about me and then years later he's on the fence about it, he knows how hurtful it is to do that he just doesn't care about the effects it has on me or what it has done to us, this is why we don't even talk anymore .

I knew when he stopped caring about me but i kept talking to him for many reasons, one in particular is plain and simple.... love. Besides he's carelessness that angers me it's also he thinks he has done nothing wrong and calls me a liar and tells me that i shouldn't be upset at him for leaving me to be with someone else....WHAT!!!!!???.  How am i suspose to react, of course i would be upset.... esp now, knowing he never cared/loved about me.

Im so angry at him i don't know what to think or what to say to him.  For him to sit there and say he didn't do anything to me and call me a liar, how could i just walk away without saying a word to him...a part of me feels as if by me walking away and letting him go that he won and he broke me.

 I'll be left with a broken heart and crying every night,  and him he'll still be in a relationship basically he'll be happy without me. Im not asking for revenge on him i just want him to.... (i can't find words). In the end of all this WHY is he the one that gets to be happy and have someone? and im the one that's hurt

 and have no one to love and love me? Something went wrong and with this odd outcome in the end, somehow it's my fault? My only fault is loving him with all my heart. Now im left with a broken one.

 

 

 

I have decided that this new year will be the time to release the pain from my divorce, the hope for the two of us (which I had even though it was obvious that we would no longer work), and him from my heart.  He will always have a place there, just not as large as it has been. I cannot continue to feel the hurt and loss-I will never recover if I don't make my stand now. I have to do this, not only for me, but to be a better parent for our child.  16 years (as of separation in 2008) is a long time, but I have to quit dwelling on this loss and see my way out. They say one door closes so another will open, but those hallways in between sure can be a bitch, but I see the new door now so I plan to open it. I have not yet met someone new nor have I really looked to do so. I have taken nearly 2 years to myslef to try to make sense of it all and find myself again.  I feel I have finally done so and feel alot stronger than I have since it all started. I welcome these new feelings and will do what I can to continue this new path.

well this is it im in the process of letting go of my first love it's the most painful thing in the world but it's time right? He has put me through so much sh** in the last FOUR years. I know it's the right thing to do and the kindest thing to do for me, but why does it hurt so much? I still find myself sitting at the computer reading love e-mails betwwen us and listening to love songs. But we don't talk anymore even though i still miss him i guess i always will, since then i've kept myself busy and sometimes breakdown and cry for awhile. I try really hard not to talk to him even when i am crying, there are times i just wanna give in and call him. but i know it wont change anything. i wanna let him know how hurt i am by all this and that im so angry at him. Most of all ask WHY?!?. i wanna let go but it won't be easy......

I have known him for many years and when we started out, it was just a hot fling.  When my divorce went through he asked to be my boyfriend, but i didn't take him seriously...he would only call every couple of months to arrange a fun night...he never seemed truly interested in getting to know me.  i wanted someone who pursued me because this meant they truly love me, right?  i remarried but that didn't last more than a few years.  we always kept in touch as friends...emails every few months just to 'check in' or catch up with each other.

After my last divorce i decided i'd had enough with getting married.  he popped back up again but resumed his old habit...fun, then done for another few months before contacting me.  i did my best to move on, but he never seemed to completely disappear.  we planned another meet up months later and he finally admitted he had a girlfriend...i was humiliated...making a fool out of myself for someone who was just playing a game?  at least we didn't sleep together then.  7 months went by...i moved on and finally felt like i had my life back in order.  i tried dating but couldn't seem to find any chemistry so i just worked on myself and my own life.  i got my life settled and was happy and confident in myself.  i was happily going through life feeling self-assured and capable.

Then out of the blue, he contacted me again.  I resisted at first...didn't answer his email right away...thought of ignoring him completely, but I felt confident in myself to handle things.  He wanted to meet for dinner to 'catch up.'  I tried cancelling and he called me...something he had never done before...was always email only.  He convinced me it was just dinner to catch up.  I convinced myself it was fine...we're just friends...I can handle this.  We had a nice dinner and he told me about how he broke up with his girlfriend and how 'crazy' she was.  Then he introduced me to all his friends...something else he had never done in all the years i'd known him...we hung out with his friends every week for the next month or so.  He started calling, emailing and texting me everyday...sometimes several times a day. 

For two months this continued and I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up, that he was just lonely and not really interested in me, but he kept looking into my eyes and telling me how beautiful they were and that he would never hurt me.  How he wanted to take the time to get to know me this time and have it not just be about booty...he wanted to get to know the real me.  Around Thanksgiving, I let it get intimate again...couldn't help myself...it was always hot between us.  For a couple weeks after that, things seemed fine, but then things changed overnight.  I can even pin it down to one exact night...he went to a party downtown with some of his friends.  He said he was just going to stop by the party and then we could get together later but he never called or showed.  I found out the next day he had spent the night downtown with his friends and from then on, the texts stopped, the calls stopped and the emails were one liners and infrequent.

I had fought it for two months, but just as i opened my heart to him, things suddenly changed.  He'd toss me an email or text now and then to keep me dangling, but things definitely weren't the same.  He no longer flirted or told me sweet things...he suddenly was too 'busy' to keep in touch.  It seemed obvious to me that he meet someone else who caught his interest at that party...fine...things happen, but why not be honest??  I asked him if there was someone else and he swore up and down there wasn't...I gave him every possible chance to come clean and bail.

After one last amazing all night session, I told him that I cared about him...he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and wanted to focus on himself and his life right now.  I said I got the message that he wasn't interested in me and he said he liked me, but couldn't say one way or the other if he wanted to date me right now.  I got frustrated and didn't understand...either you know or you don't right?  Felt too much like he was hedging his bets to see if things were going to work out with me or the other girl and until he was sure, he didn't want to cut off contact with me.  I pushed him saying I wouldn't cry, throw a fit or get upset, I just wanted him to be honest with me.  He refused to say he wasn't interested and said he had just gotten out of bad relationship and wasn't ready for another one and he wasn't sure about me one way or the other.

Again I was left with breadcrumbs...he won't come out and say he's not interested.  For a couple of months, he really pursued me and made me feel wanted.  Just as I started to trust him and come around, he pulls the disappearing act again.  He promised he wouldn't do it this time because we are friends now and he wouldn't do that to a friend, but things have definitely changed.  No more nightly calls, or texts asking how my days is going...it's difficult and it really hurts.  In the two years since my divorce, I haven't trusted anyone enough to actually 'feel' anything for them.  I let down my guard and now I'm trying to put myself back together again.

All my hard earned confidence and savvy over the last couple of years has evaporated.  I feel like a total fool for believing him and allowing him to hurt me.  I haven't allowed anyone to hurt me so why did I give him that power??  I need to move on and get past this.  He doesn't love or respect me...I'm on the back burner again.  I'm the backup girl...the filler between his 'real' girlfriends...he only wants the fun and now that he knows I have feelings he's going to disappear to get some space from the situation.

I never should have met him for that dinner...I never should have let myself get pulled back in, but I honestly believed him this time.  He took the time to pursue me...he told me he wanted to take things slow and get to know me...he convinced me he cared about me and I feel like such an idiot.  I'm a broken-hearted fool trying to rebuild the strong and confident woman I was a few months ago...how could I allow someone to undo all the work I've done??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was talking with some of my friends the other day about what we want to accomplish by the end of this new decade. And it really got me thinking about everything.

 

The first thing that I want to accomplish this decade, I already know that I will - to get my Masters. I'm due to graduate in May and I am so happy to finally be done with school. Who's to say that I won't return to school at some point or another - but I just feel so burnt out from everything because I never took a break between undergrad and grad school. It'll just be a big accomplishment for me to walk across that stage in May and receive my diploma =). And I know that my parents will be extremely proud of me - and I'm glad to have made them happy and show them that all of their dedication to my school work (and me) has paid off.

 

Next, I'd love to travel. I've been to Italy before, but I would love to see more of Europe. Germany especially, since my family is from there.

 

I'd really like to get married at some point during the decade. It's been a dream of mine, and now with a bunch of people that I've graduated with getting married - it's getting me thinking about it for myself. So I think that it's realistic to say that I'd want to get married within the next 10 years (hopefully earlier). I just hope that the person who I choose is good for me. I've gotten to the point where I can see the qualities in guys that I like and that I don't - so I'm confident that I'll make the right choice. It's just that I need the guy to think that I'm a good choice too!

 

I'd also like to move out of my parents house and buy a house of my own. Right now, I'm saving, so living at home with my parents is the best option. But it'll be nice to be on my own. Although, I can see myself staying here until I move in with a boyfriend/fiancee/husband or something. lol

 

Finally, I'd like to have a child. Obviously, I'd like that to happen after I get married.

 

I guess we'll see in 2020 if I accomplished these goals. Many of the ones that I want to "accomplish" are beyond my control - but we'll see. Like I said before, I wish that I look in a crystal ball and see how things end up - and if I don't like the future, I could change it. But that can't happen, so I'll hope and dream.

 

_{happy new year!!!!!  to everyone.}

Ok so here it is recently my ex and i don't speak that much anymore we say hey every once in awhile and that's bout it. It hurts a lot cuz knowing that once he was everything ive always wanted the one who once loved me for me, gave me a chance to love and feel what love is, and told me he loved me. Im going to miss everything we used to be. Right now its new years eve and the deal was to say happy new year to him and then block my msgs after that so therefore we won't be able to talk to each other ever again.  i hate this part but it's something i gotta do...for me. i know that someday i'll love again and that i'll allow someone to love me again and the right way. whoever that is i won't meet him unless i let go first....of my ex. there's so much more to say but not much has happened since the new plan. ill let y'all know what happeneds next. with the new year coming soon what better day to let go of an ex than today? hehe time to start over....goodbye ex-bf and hello me hehe.

Strange string of events the last couple of days...first one of my really good friends sister got engaged this last weekend. She had not been seeing the guy for a very long time and apparently her parents did not give him their blessing when he told them he was going to propose. Basically, their family is not happy for her but they are still trying to support her in whatever way they can. I also had a few conversations with my ex ex boyfriends over the last couple days and we ended up getting on the topic of how it never worked between us and how close we were to getting engaged. I guess it just really made me think about how do you know when the its the right time to settle down with someone. It's such a strange thing to think about because in my experience it seems like someone is THE ONE for a while and then one day they just aren't the one anymore. It makes me a little nervous to think about.

We are in the Christmas Season!!! I love Christmas, whether I'm in a relationship or not. Everyone is just so much happier and nicer around this time. But I'm not going to lie, it's so nice having someone around this time of year.

 

I was talking to my mom today about everything - and she brought up the fact that I haven't had a relationship (not that me and F are anything "offical" yet, but we are more than just friends) during the holidays since my Freshman year of college - and that was 5 years ago!!! I have to be honest, it's so nice to have someone around this time. Not that we are going to be spending Christmas together because he has to work, but he asked me the other day to go out with him and his friends for New Years Eve! I was very happy that he asked me to do something with him, I'm not going to lie - I probably would have been disappointed if he didn't because I had wanted to spend it with him - it's just nice to have a kiss at midnight and everything - and I haven't had that in forever. Not that it's really a big deal, it's just nice to have, lol.

 

I'm still really trying not to be all into F - but yea, I think that I totally lost that whole acting casual, I'm not really that into him vibe - because I'm pretty sure that I talk about all the time to my friends/family, lol. I guess I couldn't help it, lol.

Has anyone heared of that song by Mariah Carey "side effects"? it's a great song all of her songs are great but this one relates hehe. its one of the perfect songs to listen to. take the time to listen to it. :)

To keep up with the essence of this blog, there is one thing that happened today that made me think about my ex. As I have stated before we have the same group of friends and someone sent out a mass message asking all of us if we wanted to start planning something fun to do for spring break this year. My ex responded saying something about how he couldn't because he is going to be at some training program in Chicago that week. It is good that he won't be going because that makes me more inclined to go, but I felt kind of weird reading this message from him and finding out that he has this plan to go do something and I not know anything about it prior. It made me curious and it makes me want to talk to him and ask him what the training is for and wish him luck on it. I know that spring break is a ways away so hopefully we can be on talking terms again by then. So, that left me feeling a little strange. No big emotions involved it was just weird...thats the best way I can explain it. In other news, and the purpose of my title, my roommates and I are putting up our Christmas tree and decorations tonight, having dinner and watching a Christmas movie! I am looking forward to it because I have been draining myself with writing papers and studying for the last few days. I need a break!

HERE I AM IN SCHOOL (COLLEGE) AND STILL THINKING ABOUT YOU, HOW CRAZY IS THAT AND TOP OF THAT I LOST 2HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT BECAUSE I STAYED UP TO TALK TO YOU. I SHOUDNT BE TALKING TO YOU YOU PUT ME THROUGH SO MUCH HELL WITH IN THE FOUR YEARS IVE KNOWN YOU. AND BROKE MY HEART THREE TIMES AND I STILL COME BACK TO YOU, I NEED TO GET OVER YOU BUT I DONT WANT TO IM AFRAID WHAT IM GOING TO GO THROUGH. NOW I CAN SAY IM GOING THROUGH HELL WITH OR WITHOUT YOU. I MISS YOU SOO MUCH AND LOVE YOU TOO. I NEED A BREAK.

And just step back and see where the whole relationship with F goes. I spent both Friday and Saturday night with him, so there's really no question that he has feelings for me. So I'm going to stop obsessing about it and enjoy it - and see where everything ends up going. (While secretly hoping that it ends up going somewhere).

 

But I will definitely keep everyone posted. So far so good

I must say that it has been very nice being at home the last couple of days. It is a lot easier to not think about my ex when he isn't a couple blocks away from me! Kinda funny, last night I went out with a few friends in my hometown and ran into my 'highschool sweeheart.' Him and I dated for about 4 years back in high school and my first year of college. It was kind of a relief to look back on how devastated I was about our break up at the time and then see him now and have absolutely no feelings for him. I think a lot of that has to do with my realization that it would have never worked out between us and I would have been unhappy. I feel like I will come to the realization with my most recent ex as well, it is just a matter of time. There were so many wonderful things about my most recent ex that i just want to hold onto and make sure I don't lose because I am afraid of not finding them again in someone else. I think a lot of our break up had to do with timing and we just aren't right for eachother at this time. The thing that sucks about that is that people change as time goes on so the chances of us being right for eachother again is pretty slim.

So this is my story, I write this and share my life only for advice. I am 28 years old, he was 40. He was a wonderful man, very smart, very well liked, an all around decent guy. We had been in a relationship for 5 years. He was my first love, my life and my soulmate. Our relationship started wonderfully. We met, moved in together and never left each others sides for 5 years. We were best friends and lovers. Over the past few years we had some problems nothing major just disagreements. I battled mild depression for unrelated issues. He is an artist so he was very dedicated to his work and had little time to really dedicate himself to me. I took care of him, he took care of me. He is also a musician and I had always struggled with the ideas of him having girls in his band. But I trusted him, I felt like if I didn't allow it and caused a fuss we would just fight. Well we met a young girl who was to sing in his band. I struggled with it at first but came to like her, we became friends. We would all hang out together for about 2 months. I figured it would be ok because she was only 17 years old, although she looked older. One day we were all hanging out and I suddenly felt strange. I had this overwhelming feeling that something was going on between the two. I dismissed it because she was so young. As time progressed I stopped hanging out with her and expressed my feelings to him. Telling him that I did not want her to be in the band and I did not want him around her. We fought about this non stop for a month. I was so upset, I would cry all the time. Then the guy who would never go out started going out every night. He would say that he needed to think because I was stressing him out. He would say he was going to get a cup of coffee and come back hours later. This happened every night for a month. Always some weird excuse to leave. But because we had been together so long and he took such good care of me, I began to feel like I was wrong for how I was feeling and would always tell him I was sorry for fighting. He would assure me nothing was going on. Then it came to the point were he said that we needed to take some time apart - be together but I needed to stay at a friends house or something for a few days a week. Because I loved him and wanted it to work - I went. It didn't help because when I came home he would still do the same thing. Finally one night we had a long talk, he told me how much he loved me and reassurred me. Then an hour later said he had to go get a soda or something. This was like 6 by 9 I called he said he had saw some of his friends. I said Ok - I'll give him his space. The for some reason I had the idea to go and look for him. I went down to the bar and saw my car which he had ( I had his) pulled up to it and the 17 year old girl was in the front seat, he was not there. I get out of the car totally in shock, my heart sank I felt like I was going to pass out. She got out of the car and ran away. He came out of the bar, saw me and wanted to know what the hell I was doing there. Needless to say he convinced me it was nothing and I went home. I get home and look at our computer and his facebook, and I see a chat on the bottom that had never been closed. I opened it up and my life shattered. It was their conversation from earlier in the day talking about how much they loved eachother and couldn't wait to see eachother. I thought I was going to die at that moment, everything came crashing down. He came home and I told him. He told me that she was in love with him and that he had feelings for her too. They had had sex in my car probably in my bed. After 2 hours of fighting I left. Came back the next day and took all of my stuff. Now I am stuck at my parents house whom I haven't lived with in 10 years. Not only did I lose my boyfriend, I lost my apartment, I had to move out of town, I have no car because the car saw her in was actually his car but registerd to me. I had sold my nice car a few weeks earlier because we needed the money and he said I could use his other nice car and he would drive the old one. By then I had spent all the money I had gotten. All of his friends we my friends also, he was my life. I was going to college and because I was so depressed I haven't gone in a month. I gave up almost everything I had being with him. I have very few friends because I hung out mostly with him and his friends. So now after three weeks I am so depressed, I have lost 15 pounds over the last month, I stopped working because I could barely get out of bed, nothing makes me happy and nothing makes me feel any better. Everyone keeps giving me the same advice and it doesn't make it any easier. I have never cried so much in my whole life. I have nothing everything is gone, including my best friend. And to make it even weirder he tells me he loves me very much and care about me more than anything, we have gone out for lunch, coffee and even have kissed. But it's so weird because he is a tough guy, very strong (he's a biker also - so imagine that) he has broke down crying several times. While although he says our relationship had to end because it was bad. He doesn't want to be with me anymore, or at least right now. But he calls and is trying to help me through this offering any advice he can. Bu t at the same time he is now in a relationship with her and she is sleeping in my bed. I know I shouldn't talk to him, but I love him more than anything. I really don't know what to do I am so sad, I have never felt like this before.

Last night my friends and I stayed in and watched some classic movies, drank wine, and we baked these really neat looking cupcakes for a friends birthday. Tonight all of our friends are going out for dinner and then heading to the bars to celebrate. My ex is roommates with the guy who has the birthday tonight. I feel bad if I don't stop by for a little bit but I also really don't want to see my ex tonight. I especially don't want to be around him if either one of us have been drinking. I think I will probably go out for dinner with them and then part ways. I have another good friend who is celebrating her birthday tonight so I think I will go spend some time with her after dinner. I know that I am going to be anxious all night. It seems so weird to hang out with this particular group of friends and not be part of a couple. not because there are a lot of couples in the group but because that is how I have always been associated with these people. I just really hope that I have the strength tonight to not text or call him after I leave to go off with my other friends. It might be a good idea to leave my cell phone at home tonight. I am going to try to stop focusing on these little things and just try to have a fun night!

I ended up having a conversation with the ex last night that led to more than a conversation :S. We were having a great time, joking around and then he started cuddling with me and eventually we kissed. We spent the whole night chatting and cuddling and it was great. I had a paper due for a class this morning so even though I wanted him to stay and just say screw the paper I eventually told him he had to leave. As he was leaving I asked what all this meant. He said that he wasn't sure if it was just old feelings coming back but he wasn't ready to "try" things again. I told him that was fine and that I thinkwe both need space from eachother to acheive some personal goals and grow a little. I also told him that it was important to me that I truly felt like he enjoyed being there with me and that he was having a great time and that it confused me that, that could be true and yet he still doesn't want to be with me. He apologized for not being able to explain it to me but said that it just is the way it is and that he really does enjoy spending time with me and he wants to spend time apart because he needs reassurance as to whether he still has deep feelings for me or if he is just keeping me around for comfort. It was good and also painful to hear these things. I think it will help me in the process of getting over him. I know I can't wait around for him and hope everyday that he will come back but I so desperately want to do just that. I am going to work on becoming an independent woman again. set goals for myself and enjoy life. He will either realize that he gave up something great and come crawling back or another guy that is just as good if not better than him will realize it!

 

 

 

things have been going surprisingly well. We haven't argued once since he has been back. We are doing our own things and not relying on eachother as much. I used to ask him where he was going constantly and when he was gonna be home, and now that I kinda forget what it was like for him to be here, it doesn't bother me if he doesn't come straight home from work. I started really enjoying my alone time, and I am still not used to him being back. I used to feel like I needed to text him when I got off work, and now I don't feel the need. It's weird. I am trying to not be a jealous, controlling person. I have faults, and he does as well, but I can't change him. I can only change myself. I get so tired of bitching and being ill for no reason. I am so glad that I have started to figure out how to control my temper tantrums. Sometimes my tantrums were worse than little mans, and he is entering the terrible twos!

 

 

It is nice having W back around. I always enjoyed talking to him, and we usually have fun together. I am glad that things are going well right now. I don't know how long it will last, but I'm going to be happy and positive no matter what... because I realize that I have a wonderful life and I have so much to be thankful for.

Last night my ex and I finally determined that we needed time apart. After a 6 month long break up (I don't even want to go into how that happened!) I am exhausted from fighting and trying to make it work. My ex and I share the same group of friends. I live with two of his roommates girlfriends. So, it is hard for me to explain exactly how difficult it is going to be for me to go an entire month without seeing or talking to him. I really need to do it, since our initial break up in May all he has asked for is time and space. I need to give it to him now, not only for him but I know that if I keep talking to him and seeing him I will go crazy.

I am hoping that this blog will help me release some of my frustrations as I imagine I will run into many of them over the next month. I need to get over this guy and perhaps writing my thoughts down instead of calling him and trying to use him as a support system will be a good step in the right direction.

 

 

 

Happy would-have-been on year anniversary. Creep.