Unfortunately, I'm still struggling a little more than I wanted to here in the new year. I feel better on most days, but still go thru "dark" periods of time when all I can think of is him and how badly  I was hurt. I put up an online dating profile nearly a month ago, but it has managed to make me feel worse than I did before. All of the men expressing interest in me are either old enough to be my father or are going thru a separation, but not yet divorced and I feel like that's wrong to do, given my circumstances outlined in earlier blogs.  I am really starting to feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and I better get used to it. It just sometimes doesn't seem fair that so many things were messed up on my ex husband's end and yet he's the one that has someone that loves him and he loves, gets to travel as he wants to and just generally has resumed a good life. I'm raising our daughter alone-he does pay his support though, struggle financially to keep above water-much less travel, and go thru life still having feelings for someone I can't have. Why can I not just not love him anymore, just replace him in my heart the way he replaced me in his? I'm trying to look on the bright side of life everyday, to appreciate the small stuff , but somedays just really are a struggle. I'm accepting of the fact that I will be alone for along time, I may not like it, but I accept it.  I do that to try to avoid giving off "desparate" vibes when I do get out, so guys won't be afraid to approach me. I really don't even want full blown relationship right now anyway-I just want to stop feeling so ugly and unwanted, you know? Just a little something to raise my spirits and give me hope for the future-something to take my mind off of some of this and make me see that there is life after the divorce.  Do I ask for too much? Maybe I am, who knows? I just want to take the good days and have them all of the time and not go thru the sad ones anymore-I really do everything I can to avoid them, but they catch up to me on occasion, no matter how hard I try to avoid them. Well, time to get back doing all I can to bring back the good days.

I have decided that this new year will be the time to release the pain from my divorce, the hope for the two of us (which I had even though it was obvious that we would no longer work), and him from my heart.  He will always have a place there, just not as large as it has been. I cannot continue to feel the hurt and loss-I will never recover if I don't make my stand now. I have to do this, not only for me, but to be a better parent for our child.  16 years (as of separation in 2008) is a long time, but I have to quit dwelling on this loss and see my way out. They say one door closes so another will open, but those hallways in between sure can be a bitch, but I see the new door now so I plan to open it. I have not yet met someone new nor have I really looked to do so. I have taken nearly 2 years to myslef to try to make sense of it all and find myself again.  I feel I have finally done so and feel alot stronger than I have since it all started. I welcome these new feelings and will do what I can to continue this new path.

Getting thru the holidays is really hard this year. My ex and I were separated last year, but still spending time together trying to work  things out. Then, he met the other woman shortly thereafter and that was it.  This is the first Christmas without him since 1992 and it's just really hard right now. He says he misses me and the time we had-I know for sure that he misses our daughter, but I don't really know that he misses me that much. I know for sure that I miss him and still love him, unfortunately. I sometimes wonder why God allowed him to have someone new and not me. I know their relationship has alot of problems and they have almost broken up several times, so it's not that great.  I also know that if someone cheats with you they will cheat on you, so I know it's only a matter of time before one of them does something stupid. Maybe God has something better in store for me in the long run-I hope so anyway. I just really wish that I can stop my feelings for him the way it seems he stopped his feelings for me. It really would be easier to not have to talk to him, but our daughter is happy that we speak and get along, so it's what's best for her. It's been 19 months since initial separation and 3 months since the divorce was final-some days I'm ok , but some days I feel horrible. I feel like I should be over it by now, but maybe 19 months isn't so long compared to how long we were together. I'm faking happiness during this time of year for my daughter's sake and for the rest of the family. I'm just so tired of faking it-I really want to feel happy again and actally stay that way. I'm worried that i will always be alone from now on-partly because of the fear I have, he's all I've ever known and I just don't know where to begin. I'm afraid to ever give my heart out again or to trust again-I'm not even sure that I still believe in love to be honest. I know that will prevent me from getting someone new, but I just can't seem to shake these feelings right now. I also have near zero self-estemm and I just don't think that anyone will want me now-I didn't really attract alot of guys before my husband and I was only 20 and thin back then. I'm 37 and a little big now-not overly large, but a size 10 which alot ofguys find too big. That's after I lost 25 pounds earlier this year. I've also seen the woman that he's with and I don't think she's that attractive at all, but he wanted her more than me so that makes me feel even worse. I'm sick of being alone, but I'm too afraid to do anything about it so I don't know what I'll do in the long run.  This time of year is just killing me right now-I even roll my eyes at all of the jewelry commercials right now-lol. How long can a person be alone after a break-up before it starts to get pitiful?  I also admit that I really miss the physical aspects of a relationship too. My ex and I weren't being intimate during the separation so it's been 19 months for that, too. I don't really know what to do about that either, some of my friends tell me to just find some guy and have a one nighter, but that's just not me. There's a reason my ex is the only person I've been intimate with in life-I just don't do things that way, I guess. Besides, a guy would have to be willing and I haven't found any that seem to be, so the whole one night thing would be out,even if I could act like that. I'm just tired and kind of ready to give up on the whole thing-love and all of it-I hate to feel down all the time-I actually act like I'm fine with family and friends and they don't know that I feel the way that I do. I actually want to start feeling the way that I act-I'm so ready to be fine again. I really do appreciate the things I do have-my daughter, a good family, friends, job, and the home I was able to provide for my child and myself. I'm just trying to focus on the good things-hopefully I will feel right again in time if I keep doing that.

I was separated from my spouse of 16 years back in May 2008 and the divorce was final in September 2009. We separated because he needed to work on some off and on substance abuse issues that he had during the marriage. Our child is now a teenager and it was too hard to hide his problems from her like we did when she was younger. He didn't use during the entire marriage and was a good husband when he was not using-years would go by between episodes. He went to outpatient rehab and I stood by him the whole time. He was living with his parents at the time and the plan was for him to return when rehab was finished. He called me one day about 2 months after being gone and said he didn't think the marriage would work-that he did too many bad things to me when he was using and I deserved better. He cheated on me and said some not so nice things concerning my weight-NEVER physically abusive-maybe emotionall though. I soon found out after that call that he had been on computer chat rooms while with his parents and he wanted to meet a couple of the women he had been "talking" to. He had also gone out with a coworker during that time-his own parents didn't know he was doing this. I was hurt, but I did take vows for better or for worse, besides, nothing came about with those people anyway, so I figured we would make another attempt. Then in January of this year, he moved into a place by himself , but he is 37 so I know living with his parents was frustrating to him. But when he introduced me as his ex wife to someone in march (papers had not even been filed), I knew something was very wrong. He just kept saying that I needed better than him. Then in May-I was alerted to a myspace page by a mutual friend of ours-on that page was pictures of him and another woman that had been taken right after a sexual encounter, complete with descriptions of things done and how much the woman in question enjoyed it. It also said how happy he was that his beautiful lady was finally living with him and how much they loved each other. I was about devastated to be honest-I couldn't breathe at first. I've forgiven him for the most part and I will still not say he was a bad person-bad decisions, but not a bad person. I'm still so hurt though-I realize that everything will probably be for the best in the long run, but this hurt and rejection runs very deep. I'm raising our child and he is doing the right thing by her at least. I've been alone for a long time now and I really don't hold out much hope for a relationship in the future. I wasn't real popular with the men before I met him and I was only 20 then, I know it will be much harder now that I'm 37. He is still with the woman and says that I'm still and always will be the love of his life, but I need someone better than him who will treat me well all the time-not just when he is sober. He has completed rehab  and has been clean for a year now, but he worries that he will "fall-off" again and does not want to risk hurting me anymore than he has. I appreciate that and I understand that he hurt me this last time to push me away because he knew I would not give up on him and he really does seem to think I need better. What he doesn't understand is that I don't feel like I will ever have anyone again and the hurt maybe too hard to recover from right now. I've managed a life with my daughter and i put on a strong face for her and others, but inside I feel like I'm dying. The knowledge of the two of them together just hurts me to my core. I'm doing what I can to get by and try to reclaim my life, but it seems like one step forward and then one step back sometimes. I'm in divorcecare right now and it's helping some, but this road just seems undending sometimes.  Maybe i will feel better when I'm able to believe that love exists again.