I just got back from a 4-hour coffee date with this guy that I met on the dating website. This is the guy who I had been talking to for a really long time through emails - well over a month. I have to say that I had a really awesome time with him. Like this is the first date since I first went out with F where I really enjoyed myself and I left the date excited and wanting more. I just really liked this guy.

When the date first started we just started talking and it wasn't awkward at all, at least for me. It seemed like we connected on a lot of levels. And I just really enjoyed myself. He walked me back to my car and gave me a hug at the end of the date. It was cute. He said that he was going to talk to me soon and that he wanted to do it again. So hopefully we do, because I really had a good time after this date. I can't say that enough. I'm excited! =)

This guy who I have been talking to on that dating website since I've pretty much joined - we finally got together on AIM (I never go on so we kept on missing each other). He actually sent me a message on the website asking me where I was haha. Anyways, we were talking and it seems like we have a lot in common, and we made plans for a date in two weeks (he's going away next weekend).

This is the first date in a while on that site that I can say that I'm actually excited about. He's cute (from his pictures, who knows if they'll be deceiving when we meet in person), he's in the appropriate age range (only a few months older than me), it appears he's looking for a relationship, and he's also a teacher. So we'd obviously have a lot in common and he'd understand where I'm coming from.

So yes, I am excited about this date. Funny that it happened when I was basically going to swear it all off and delete that account.

I went on another unsuccessful date tonight. And the part that I feel bad about is that it wasn't unsuccessful on his part. In fact, he thought that the date went very well - as I got a text message from him about a half an hour after I got home. But I don't know, he was nice and all, I just wasn't physically attracted to him.

To be honest, I just don't know what my problem is with guys. Like right now, I'm actually happy with my life, I know that I have qualities that would attract other people - but I'm just not feeling anyone that I've went out with recently. At all. I'm just faking through everything. And the guys that I have gone out with have been really nice guys. There's just nothing there for me.

I have been talking to this one other guy on the dating website for like over a month now, and he seems nice enough. We have a date planned for Friday. But after that, if it doesn't go well. I'm really going to take a break for a while. Or at least a few months. I'm just really sick of going on one unsuccessful date after another. I'm tired of these nice guys who I have absolutely no physical attraction to and I'm tired of the desperate, psychos that I've been attracting recently. I'm just really tired of it.

On the plus side, I'm finally over F. I don't have the urge to call or text him anymore - so at least that's a plus.

I heard my parents talking about me today and my dating habits and it really made me sad. It kind of hit home to me that I just can't seem to find someone decent.

The conversation pretty much went like this:
Dad: What does she think she's doing? Going on this dating website.
Mom: Well, she wants to find someone, a constant. Someone who's going to be there for her.
Dad: Well this isn't the way to do it.
Mom: Well the bars aren't either...
Dad: That's where we met.
Mom: Well, things have changed. It's not so easy...

And the whole thing kind of goes on from there. I don't know the parts that I missed, but I pretty much got the whole gist of the conversation from that and it really made me upset and I'm tearing up a little bit right now just thinking about it.

I've really tried to stay positive during this whole thing. I've tried to look at the bright side, which took a lot especially after the whole fiasco with F (which I still miss btw and it really takes all thats in me not to text him). But it just looks so bleak. I can't seem to find anyone in these past couple of years that is worthwhile and has stuck - and it really just sucks. I don't even know where to look or what to do to meet people. Because the bar scene sucks, there's rarely any good people there, the online scene is often filled with freaks and weirdos - and I just don't know anymore.

So I have been talking to this other guy recently (haha - I was actually talking to him while I was going out with the guy from Friday), and so far he's been really nice. But of course, they all start out that way. We had a 2 hour conversation on the phone last night and he seems really shy (and he's admitted to me he hates public speaking), but I have a bubbly personality so most people find me easy to talk to. Well anyway, he mentioned that we should go out next weekend for dinner and stuff.

The only slight issue, is that he's 6 years older than me. I really don't care to be honest, because I think that I need someone older and more mature - but my mom was inquiring about him and said that she was "sick to her stomach" about me dating someone 6 years older and she just can't stop thinking about it. I really think that she's overreacting about the whole thing, because she had no issues when I've dated guys 5 years older than me, so what is one extra year, really? It's not like I'm going out with someone my father's age. And I don't think that I should just cast aside a nice person because he's 6 years older than me.

So the question is, is age only a number, or does it matter? Because I think that a 6 year age difference would be a bigger deal if I was still in college. But I have a full-time job, I'll be getting my Masters in May, so it's not like I'm immature and still in my youth. So I'd like to see how this whole thing pans out. And I don't get the big deal about a date.

I went out on a second date with the guy from Sunday last night and although he's a nice guy and everything, I don't know about it. I'm just not really that into him and I can't really explain why. I'm a social person, so I have no problem having a conversation with someone and making it not awkward, so we did have a conversation and it went well. I could tell that he's really into me. But I don't know.

If I'm being completely honest, the guy kind of freaked me out. He was moving wayyyy to fast. Talking about how I was going to be his girlfriend and how me and his mom would get along great, etc. He even asked me if I was still seeing other people. Or if I went to a bar if I'd make out with another guy because he said he wouldn't now that he was with me. I was like um, it's the second date, if I want to go to a bar and make out with a guy, or go on a date with someone else, I can. It's not like we've been dating for 3 months and are exclusive or something.

Then he was talking crap about pretty much all of his exes. Saying that they screwed him over on way or another. Like saying that they randomly changed after 3 months and he had no idea how someone can just stop liking a person. But like, that does happen. You can fall out of love.  And I mean, I really don't talk crap about my exes. If a potential guy asked me about them, I say, "He was a really nice guy, but things just didn't work out. We wanted different things." Because it's really none of their business and I'm not going to trash talk them (only to my friends on here haha) because the majority of them were decent people - just immature.

So, I'm really not into this. I was driving home last night and the guy lives like 45 minutes away, and I was like, wow, I don't even care enough to do this ride home all the time. And I feel bad because he seems like a nice person, but I'm just not feeling it. The whole moving insanely quickly freaked me out and then the trash-talking the exes. Like I barely know you. I don't want to talk about having an awesome relationship with you on our second date. And maybe I'd feel differently if I was actually into him, but I'm not. I just feel right now I want to date around and keep my options open. I've jumped into things too quickly in the past and I want to feel things out.

I have a date tonight, but I don't know what's going on with my mood lately. I'm totally not into anything at all right now. I just want to hole myself up in my room and sleep. I kind of feel like something might be wrong with me, because there's no reason why I should be upset right now. I was the one who made the decision to leave F, and it was a good empowering decision to make. It's been 3 weeks since that day (I think) and we haven't talked in over a week, and I just kind of miss him. He's moving on with his life and I could tell that he barely gave a shit about me.

I'm just thinking that maybe I should have been the one to inciate going out or something after the "incident." But, logically, I know that if I did do that, I would be telling him that it was ok to just fuck around with me and not be comitted. Which is definitely not what I wanted. Then my friends made comments and said that it seems like I have no problem getting guys and it's good that I'm keeping myself out there and not putting up with the bullshit from the guys who don't want what I want. But I kind of think that I was a little bit happier when I was "with" F.

Although, I'm even second-guessing that. Because I don't think that I was really happy. Especially not at the end. And my mom said that he seemed to be into himself and not so much into me. Like I was just an accessory that could be thrown away. I'm just thinking that it probably would have been better if I didn't let myself get so wrapped up in F. Which is why now, I'm keeping a distance and not getting wrapped up or excited about anything. I don't know if that's doing any good for me either.

I really probably should delete F from my facebook, so I won't be so tempted to check it all the time. I really do think that I'm better off without the uncertainity in my life and that if he really cared about me we would be together right now. But I can't help but to think that maybe I was a little rash in everything because I really think that he joined the dating site again - I don't know if it was because his friend found me and definitely told him that I was back on the site.

So I'm wondering if I rushed into getting back on the site. But like, logically, I'm telling myself that if F wanted me - he would have said something and would have been happy when I mentioned the fact that I wanted a relationship. After talking to a bunch of people about the whole thing - including guys - I wasn't rushing into anything. So I know that logically. But I really can't help but to miss him and what we shared.

And I do feel stupid for even bringing this up again, because I know that I'm better off without him. But I just wish that he showed that he cared a little bit and that I wasn't so easy to throw away. Because I really do think that I am a good "catch." I have a lot going for me, I'm a good person, I care about my friends, and I pretty much did everything for him. I picked him and his friend up from the train station when he needed a ride, I took care of him when he was a sloppy drunk, and I've put myself in awkward situations with his friends where he didn't even introduce me to them properly just because I thought that he liked and cared about me. But I guess that it was all fake.

So yea, deleting him from my phone and not contacting him via text messages isn't enough. I probably need to unfriend him on facebook so I'm not attached to him anymore.

I went out with a new guy last night, and he was really nice and sweet. He actually bought me a box of chocolates for Valentines Day which I thought was cute. He's 4 years older than me, but we did seem to have a lot in common personality-wise, or I guess what we want out of life. Like we don't everything in common, but the main stuff, it seems. Like we both have direction in life, care about our families, etc. So that's the most important things. It doesn't matter to me if we like different types of music or something. 

The only downside is that he's a little on the short side, haha. If that could even be a downside, because I've dated shorter guys before, just recently I've been dating taller guys. But whatever. I'd rather have someone treat me nice than be a tall douchebag.

We are going to have a second date. So I guess I'll see where that ends up going.