I was separated from my spouse of 16 years back in May 2008 and the divorce was final in September 2009. We separated because he needed to work on some off and on substance abuse issues that he had during the marriage. Our child is now a teenager and it was too hard to hide his problems from her like we did when she was younger. He didn't use during the entire marriage and was a good husband when he was not using-years would go by between episodes. He went to outpatient rehab and I stood by him the whole time. He was living with his parents at the time and the plan was for him to return when rehab was finished. He called me one day about 2 months after being gone and said he didn't think the marriage would work-that he did too many bad things to me when he was using and I deserved better. He cheated on me and said some not so nice things concerning my weight-NEVER physically abusive-maybe emotionall though. I soon found out after that call that he had been on computer chat rooms while with his parents and he wanted to meet a couple of the women he had been "talking" to. He had also gone out with a coworker during that time-his own parents didn't know he was doing this. I was hurt, but I did take vows for better or for worse, besides, nothing came about with those people anyway, so I figured we would make another attempt. Then in January of this year, he moved into a place by himself , but he is 37 so I know living with his parents was frustrating to him. But when he introduced me as his ex wife to someone in march (papers had not even been filed), I knew something was very wrong. He just kept saying that I needed better than him. Then in May-I was alerted to a myspace page by a mutual friend of ours-on that page was pictures of him and another woman that had been taken right after a sexual encounter, complete with descriptions of things done and how much the woman in question enjoyed it. It also said how happy he was that his beautiful lady was finally living with him and how much they loved each other. I was about devastated to be honest-I couldn't breathe at first. I've forgiven him for the most part and I will still not say he was a bad person-bad decisions, but not a bad person. I'm still so hurt though-I realize that everything will probably be for the best in the long run, but this hurt and rejection runs very deep. I'm raising our child and he is doing the right thing by her at least. I've been alone for a long time now and I really don't hold out much hope for a relationship in the future. I wasn't real popular with the men before I met him and I was only 20 then, I know it will be much harder now that I'm 37. He is still with the woman and says that I'm still and always will be the love of his life, but I need someone better than him who will treat me well all the time-not just when he is sober. He has completed rehab  and has been clean for a year now, but he worries that he will "fall-off" again and does not want to risk hurting me anymore than he has. I appreciate that and I understand that he hurt me this last time to push me away because he knew I would not give up on him and he really does seem to think I need better. What he doesn't understand is that I don't feel like I will ever have anyone again and the hurt maybe too hard to recover from right now. I've managed a life with my daughter and i put on a strong face for her and others, but inside I feel like I'm dying. The knowledge of the two of them together just hurts me to my core. I'm doing what I can to get by and try to reclaim my life, but it seems like one step forward and then one step back sometimes. I'm in divorcecare right now and it's helping some, but this road just seems undending sometimes.  Maybe i will feel better when I'm able to believe that love exists again.