i guess here is where i bare my soul in an attempt to stop the tears and ease the heartache. the beginning- we met the same week i got laidoff from a job i had had 16 1/2 years (loved it). 1st week moved him in my house, got engaged and almost married. Year later he moves. i was displaced, lost and had starting gaining weight. he was a bodybuilder. he always had a temper but could be sooo sweet. being unemployed i could count on him for anything. he put me and the boys first (2 poodles) financially, but mentally it was torture. my health declined (asthma) i had to take steriods and gained alot of weight. he had me convinced no one would want me, i believed it. skip ahead 7 years later, yes 7. i got laid off from another job. lost my house and car. got very sick and mentally stressed. i moved in with my bbf and her family. 4 months of no contact with him i had finally stopped crying. then i answered an email from him (hugh mistake). i moved into his mothers house with him, trying to save money. by this time i had lost all of my friends, they were tired of all the drama. year later (now) i am writing this. new years eve was the end. i was told to leave. i left with nothing but a garbage bag full of clothes. he said he wasnt attracted to me. i was fat, my hair was too curly. there was not spark and he could  not fake it anymore. i have no family of my own, he was all i had. i have no money, spent it on contributing to the house. i have a old car that just broke. no insurance and registration about to expire. i gained so much weight my clothes dont fit anymore. he is keeping the dogs so i dont have to put them down. i am much to blame as him. i believed the fantasy, the one i created in my head saying this time was different. i am writing because i need a friend, someone that when i am alone and tortured by the silence that i can write instead of doing something stupid like calling or texting him. they changed the locks at his house today. i have everything there from my old house, for some reson that sparked a totally new meltdown. i am at my friends temp. need to get a job and find housing. she is polite but after 8 years it gets a little old.

i keep a smiling face in front of them....most of the time. its when i am alone the heartache is almost unbearable...so i am writing to you.