Getting thru the holidays is really hard this year. My ex and I were separated last year, but still spending time together trying to work  things out. Then, he met the other woman shortly thereafter and that was it.  This is the first Christmas without him since 1992 and it's just really hard right now. He says he misses me and the time we had-I know for sure that he misses our daughter, but I don't really know that he misses me that much. I know for sure that I miss him and still love him, unfortunately. I sometimes wonder why God allowed him to have someone new and not me. I know their relationship has alot of problems and they have almost broken up several times, so it's not that great.  I also know that if someone cheats with you they will cheat on you, so I know it's only a matter of time before one of them does something stupid. Maybe God has something better in store for me in the long run-I hope so anyway. I just really wish that I can stop my feelings for him the way it seems he stopped his feelings for me. It really would be easier to not have to talk to him, but our daughter is happy that we speak and get along, so it's what's best for her. It's been 19 months since initial separation and 3 months since the divorce was final-some days I'm ok , but some days I feel horrible. I feel like I should be over it by now, but maybe 19 months isn't so long compared to how long we were together. I'm faking happiness during this time of year for my daughter's sake and for the rest of the family. I'm just so tired of faking it-I really want to feel happy again and actally stay that way. I'm worried that i will always be alone from now on-partly because of the fear I have, he's all I've ever known and I just don't know where to begin. I'm afraid to ever give my heart out again or to trust again-I'm not even sure that I still believe in love to be honest. I know that will prevent me from getting someone new, but I just can't seem to shake these feelings right now. I also have near zero self-estemm and I just don't think that anyone will want me now-I didn't really attract alot of guys before my husband and I was only 20 and thin back then. I'm 37 and a little big now-not overly large, but a size 10 which alot ofguys find too big. That's after I lost 25 pounds earlier this year. I've also seen the woman that he's with and I don't think she's that attractive at all, but he wanted her more than me so that makes me feel even worse. I'm sick of being alone, but I'm too afraid to do anything about it so I don't know what I'll do in the long run.  This time of year is just killing me right now-I even roll my eyes at all of the jewelry commercials right now-lol. How long can a person be alone after a break-up before it starts to get pitiful?  I also admit that I really miss the physical aspects of a relationship too. My ex and I weren't being intimate during the separation so it's been 19 months for that, too. I don't really know what to do about that either, some of my friends tell me to just find some guy and have a one nighter, but that's just not me. There's a reason my ex is the only person I've been intimate with in life-I just don't do things that way, I guess. Besides, a guy would have to be willing and I haven't found any that seem to be, so the whole one night thing would be out,even if I could act like that. I'm just tired and kind of ready to give up on the whole thing-love and all of it-I hate to feel down all the time-I actually act like I'm fine with family and friends and they don't know that I feel the way that I do. I actually want to start feeling the way that I act-I'm so ready to be fine again. I really do appreciate the things I do have-my daughter, a good family, friends, job, and the home I was able to provide for my child and myself. I'm just trying to focus on the good things-hopefully I will feel right again in time if I keep doing that.