So the date tonight went...so-so. He suggested a nice restaurant and told me he wanted to pay for everything. That was a pretty thoughtful gesture...throughout the night I offered to help pay several times (because we are poor college students) and he declined my offer everytime. In the beginning of the night both of us were hesitant when it came to conversation but as the night picked up we started to become more comfortable and like the "old us."

After dinner we went back to his house and talked and cuddled in his room for about two hours. He told me we could talk about the break-up and that it wouldn't be a big subject we had to keep secret. Well, I should have known better than to open up this can of worms...because it came back to bite me in the ass. I asked for his perspective on that night and the whole week and it pretty much sounded like he really was ready to be done with me. He went bowling with some friends Tuesday night...worked on a cool class project Wednesday...doesn't sound like he was too heart-broken over losing me.

Thinking about that bothers me. Like really bothers me. While I was sitting around crying, listening to sad songs, and pouring my heart out into this blog...he was out having fun...doing things like bowling. If that isn't a slap in the face I don't know what is. Normally, I would never wish anything bad on anyone I loved...but I want him to feel how bad he hurt me. It hurt me to the core to hear him call me names and dump me as if I was a fucking piece of trash.

Well, after he finished telling me his side he said he could tell something was wrong by the look on my face and asked what it was. I welcomed this opportunity to be honest with open arms and said..."If you break-up with me in the future could you do it face-to-face and with respect? I really value our relationship and it hurt me a lot to hear you call me a bitch and send me a text saying you were done with me."

Big, tough boy couldn't handle this. Mr. Too-Hung-Up-On-Himself couldn't take my honesty. He immediately pulled away saying, "There you go again! You promised you weren't going to bring the past into our fresh start. You're only setting our relationship up to fail by expecting I'm going to break-up with you again."

Well, duh. You broke up with me at 3 o'clock in the morning while plastered drunk.

We quickly smoothed things over and he gave me a hug and kiss good bye and told me to have a good night and a good day at work tomorrow. So...I guess we're okay right now. We didn't say I love you at all tonight...which makes me sad. I still love him with every ounce of my heart but I know it's probably a good idea to wait and not rush into it. I don't know the next time I'll see him either. Maybe it'll be tomorrow night? Maybe it'll be in a few days. I just have to keep reminding myself that that's okay.

I shouldn't be wrapped up in the next time I see him. I should be out with friends, doing homework, smiling. I should be creating my own life and practicing optimism. I WILL do that.

Sometimes I think about what I would say if he broke up with me again. I've played the scenerio over and over in my head, thinking up perfect lines...but really there are none. There are no magic words to tug at his heart...there is no perfect scenerio. I've tried so many times to be perfect and its never gotten me anywhere.

As hard as it is...I'm going to try to stop focusing on the break up so much. There's a reason he wanted to try again...and it's reason enough to move forward and put the past behind us. Completely behind us.

Rule #1: I'm done bringing up our past problems. It's time to move forward. Think about the present and the future with great optimism. Completely erase "break up" from my vocabulary.