I have known him for many years and when we started out, it was just a hot fling.  When my divorce went through he asked to be my boyfriend, but i didn't take him seriously...he would only call every couple of months to arrange a fun night...he never seemed truly interested in getting to know me.  i wanted someone who pursued me because this meant they truly love me, right?  i remarried but that didn't last more than a few years.  we always kept in touch as friends...emails every few months just to 'check in' or catch up with each other.

After my last divorce i decided i'd had enough with getting married.  he popped back up again but resumed his old habit...fun, then done for another few months before contacting me.  i did my best to move on, but he never seemed to completely disappear.  we planned another meet up months later and he finally admitted he had a girlfriend...i was humiliated...making a fool out of myself for someone who was just playing a game?  at least we didn't sleep together then.  7 months went by...i moved on and finally felt like i had my life back in order.  i tried dating but couldn't seem to find any chemistry so i just worked on myself and my own life.  i got my life settled and was happy and confident in myself.  i was happily going through life feeling self-assured and capable.

Then out of the blue, he contacted me again.  I resisted at first...didn't answer his email right away...thought of ignoring him completely, but I felt confident in myself to handle things.  He wanted to meet for dinner to 'catch up.'  I tried cancelling and he called me...something he had never done before...was always email only.  He convinced me it was just dinner to catch up.  I convinced myself it was fine...we're just friends...I can handle this.  We had a nice dinner and he told me about how he broke up with his girlfriend and how 'crazy' she was.  Then he introduced me to all his friends...something else he had never done in all the years i'd known him...we hung out with his friends every week for the next month or so.  He started calling, emailing and texting me everyday...sometimes several times a day. 

For two months this continued and I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up, that he was just lonely and not really interested in me, but he kept looking into my eyes and telling me how beautiful they were and that he would never hurt me.  How he wanted to take the time to get to know me this time and have it not just be about booty...he wanted to get to know the real me.  Around Thanksgiving, I let it get intimate again...couldn't help myself...it was always hot between us.  For a couple weeks after that, things seemed fine, but then things changed overnight.  I can even pin it down to one exact night...he went to a party downtown with some of his friends.  He said he was just going to stop by the party and then we could get together later but he never called or showed.  I found out the next day he had spent the night downtown with his friends and from then on, the texts stopped, the calls stopped and the emails were one liners and infrequent.

I had fought it for two months, but just as i opened my heart to him, things suddenly changed.  He'd toss me an email or text now and then to keep me dangling, but things definitely weren't the same.  He no longer flirted or told me sweet things...he suddenly was too 'busy' to keep in touch.  It seemed obvious to me that he meet someone else who caught his interest at that party...fine...things happen, but why not be honest??  I asked him if there was someone else and he swore up and down there wasn't...I gave him every possible chance to come clean and bail.

After one last amazing all night session, I told him that I cared about him...he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and wanted to focus on himself and his life right now.  I said I got the message that he wasn't interested in me and he said he liked me, but couldn't say one way or the other if he wanted to date me right now.  I got frustrated and didn't understand...either you know or you don't right?  Felt too much like he was hedging his bets to see if things were going to work out with me or the other girl and until he was sure, he didn't want to cut off contact with me.  I pushed him saying I wouldn't cry, throw a fit or get upset, I just wanted him to be honest with me.  He refused to say he wasn't interested and said he had just gotten out of bad relationship and wasn't ready for another one and he wasn't sure about me one way or the other.

Again I was left with breadcrumbs...he won't come out and say he's not interested.  For a couple of months, he really pursued me and made me feel wanted.  Just as I started to trust him and come around, he pulls the disappearing act again.  He promised he wouldn't do it this time because we are friends now and he wouldn't do that to a friend, but things have definitely changed.  No more nightly calls, or texts asking how my days is going...it's difficult and it really hurts.  In the two years since my divorce, I haven't trusted anyone enough to actually 'feel' anything for them.  I let down my guard and now I'm trying to put myself back together again.

All my hard earned confidence and savvy over the last couple of years has evaporated.  I feel like a total fool for believing him and allowing him to hurt me.  I haven't allowed anyone to hurt me so why did I give him that power??  I need to move on and get past this.  He doesn't love or respect me...I'm on the back burner again.  I'm the backup girl...the filler between his 'real' girlfriends...he only wants the fun and now that he knows I have feelings he's going to disappear to get some space from the situation.

I never should have met him for that dinner...I never should have let myself get pulled back in, but I honestly believed him this time.  He took the time to pursue me...he told me he wanted to take things slow and get to know me...he convinced me he cared about me and I feel like such an idiot.  I'm a broken-hearted fool trying to rebuild the strong and confident woman I was a few months ago...how could I allow someone to undo all the work I've done??