Today, I am going to smile. I'm not going to think about how much I am hurting. I have realized that if I can't make him be in love with me. I can't make him tell me what happened. I can't force him to be here if he doesn't want to be.

I'm going to let it go... and let him be. Give him time to think or whatever it is that he wants. I know I do a lot wrong. A comment on my last post hit hard. I do read to much into things. and I do it way too often. He probably took a shower and shaved so that he wouldn't have to come back here for a few days. He did leave last night, but all he only took a pair of shoes with him. He left his phone charger and everything else here.

I need to be a better person for myself. Because whether he comes back or I eventually start dating someone else, I'm still going to have my issues. and until I work on them I can't be happy, and I won't be able to make someone else happy... unless they like a girl who reads too much into everything and wonders all the time. I always assume that he is seeing someone else. He played golf for 12 hours Saturday. I assumed he stayed there that long because the other girl was there. Nevermind the fact that he always asks me to go with him... but I never do. I imagine my issues bother him a lot, and the fact that I don't really like to do the things he does... but maybe I would if I ever tried them. It must be hard for him to stay in love with me when I don't put a lot of effort into the things he likes. I mean I let him do whatever he wants. He wants to play golf? Go for it. Basketball? Sure. Play video games all day? Go ahead. All I ever ask is that he doesn't drive after he has been drinking. I guess letting him do everything he wants isn't the way to make him happy. I guess he stopped asking me to do things with him because he knew I'd always have an excuse. Don't get me wrong... I do things with him. We go out to eat, we hang out at friends... but I guess he was wanting me to show interest in his sports things... and I never did. I may have hurt him... and eventually brought him down by my lack of interest.

I'm not blaming this all on me, but I know in my heart I played a big part in it. He didn't want me to work so I could focus on school. He paid all the bills and referee'd basketball and football games for extra money. Sometimes he would give me money and tell me to go shopping. I didn't appreciate the things he did for me. but at the same time, he doesn't appreciate me. He doesn't understand that it gets stressful sitting here all day with a 2 year old. Trying to clean, do school work and entertain a child is not easy. And when he gets home from work he wants to sit and watch tv til the time the baby goes to bed, all the while the baby is begging for his dad to play with him.

This has happened too many times. I am ready to be done. I love him with all of my heart. but I don't know if we can ever be "right" for eachother. So for know I'm going to focus on the little man and I. I'm not going to talk to him, I'm not going to pack his things. I'm going to give him time and space and if and when he chooses to come get his things, so be it. I can't make him do anything, and its past time for me to stop trying to make him.