This is the most complicated situation I have ever been in. I am coming to grips with it all, but I have my moments.

On Tuesday, my friend and I took my son out for ice cream since it was beautiful day. While we were driving around enjoying the weather, my phone started ringing. It was a number I didn't know, but it looked familiar so I answered it. It was W's lawyer informing me that W had been arrested for violation of probation that morning and he was in jail without bond and that he was going to lose his job. He then started asking me questions.. He asked if W and I were still together, if we were still living in the same house and I told him no and no. Then he asked if W and I planned on reconciling. I told him that I had no idea. It had only been a week and it was way too soon to answer a question like that. I told him that W would have to be done with alcohol and have completed an anger management program before I would even consider it. He then asked me for the details of the incident that started this whole situation. I told him everything exactly like I told the police.

I was extremely paranoid that W's lawyer was contacting me about custody. I've been getting some legal advice, and it seems that if he did try to fight me for custody, it would be next to impossible for him to win. I am a very good mother. I take care of our son and I always have. I know W's mother would love to prove me unfit, so I am making sure I do nothing that could be considered unfit. Of course, I have done a few things that were unfit that W has witnesses to. But I'm going to hope that it doesn't come down to that.

So today, I was picking up little man from daycare and when I got back to the car, I had a missed call. It was W's lawyer again. I called him back, and he told me he was calling to inform me that a judge has granted W bond and he would be getting out of jail today. I reciveved an email notification from a victim service that W was released at 4pm and then reason for release was: Released by court order. W's lawyer also told me that W agreed to go to anger management classes and to continue getting help for his alcohol issues. He told me that the no contact thing is still in effect and that if I wanted to remove it, I could call the DA and talk to him.

I'm a little torn on that because I'm afraid that removing to no contact would make it too easy for me to want W to come back. Of course, I am struggling because I can't work often because I have no one to watch little man and if the no contact was gone, then W would be able to watch little man. I think I am going to sit on that one for a while.

I am very happy that W is choosing to get help. I can only hope that he doesn't give up on it like he did before. No matter what I will always have a lot of love for him and I will always hope that things go well for him.

I just have issues understanding why he kept choosing alcohol. I imagine that being an alcoholic is hard thing to overcome, but I guess I just don't imagine it hard enough. I wonder if he feels remorse for what he did to me. I wonder if will ever understand that I didn't do this to be mean... that I did it because there was nothing else that could be done. I wonder if he misses the good times as much as I miss them.

I just can't keep the memories away! I can't my favorite tv shows because I'm reminded of how we'd cuddle while watching tv... of how he would rub my feet while I sitting near him. It's hard to go to sleep because he's not around to talk to. We'd always talk about days before we went to bed because we didn't feel the need to text and call eachother all day long. I wish there was a fast forward button and I just fast forward until I got over this. I mean, I'm not doing bad. I did cry last night but I think it was because I felt so alone and stressed out. I talk to God quite often and that helps me a lot. I know that time will heal my wounds. I am over the abuse part of it already. It's been 10 days and my bruises are still very visible, but I've accepted that he made a choice. I've forgiven him for it. I still wish that he had been strong enough to overcome his alcohol addiction before it came to this though.

Everything happens for a reason... there is a purpose for all of this and one day it will all be better. One day the memories will fade.

It's okay to visit memory lane once in a while, but it's not okay to live there.

I just have to take my own advice.