So this is the stage after the break up that I don't like the most, not that I like any part of a breakup. But This is the stage where I start thinking what I want in the next guy, what I did wrong in the last relationship, the part where I realize I am alone and how much I hate that fact. I'm sorry I don't hate it I am scared to death of being alone. Being alone gives me time to think, and since my brain has decided that I don't need to sleep, I have more time to think than I would care to. Thinking gets me into trouble, being alone gets me into more trouble than being with someone does.  I do think that this last break up and guy has taught me a few things about myself, and the men I am drawn to, and what I want in a relationship. I've been thinking I busted and still am busting my ass in school to get a degree, so I can get a job that is going to support my son, so if I did that, then why the hell should I be with someone who is working 3 dead end jobs because he refuses to do anything with his life.  I am not necessarily saying that the next guy must have a degree, but he must have goals, and a carreer. Another thing I keep thinking about is how alone I am, even though I am not by any means. I have always been the type who has to be around people, and here recently its been worse. I will do everything possible to not be alone, how is it possible that I have a 2 year old and still feel lonely, or always have either my sister or a friend over at my house, and I still feel lonely.  I guess thinking back to previous breakups I was the same way, I think that is why I jump into the arms of the first guy who comes around. Insert time to mention, my newest problem.  I don't know how it started, but it did, we decided to have guilt free "fun" ok we're both adults sounded ok at the time. Well I broke the rules and fell for him, it is horrible. We are in the same program, luckily he is 4 terms below me, bad thing is, we are both officers in our programs club. So we have to be around each other constantly.  I don't know what it is, I trust him, I want him. We get along great, we can talk for hours, he pisses me off one minute and the next can make me forget that I was pissed at him. Why did I have to go and fall for him. I want to tell him how I feel, but I am scared, I don't want things to get wierd. He tells me all the time he cares about me, and he has a way of making me feel safe, I've never felt safe with any other guy I've been with. He says he is going to miss me when I leave, and he specifically said he doesn't think relationships with co-workers and people you go to school with is approprtiate. I agree, But I want him. and its not in the fact that we have "fun" I can do with out that. Its him as a person. I want to tell him how I feel, but at the same time, I wonder if I am makeing something in to nothing, if its my fear of being alone that is creating these feelings for him.  I told you, whoever is reading this, I hate this part of the breakup, the thinking, the needing to be with someone.  I know what I want now, I want a family, I want a serious relationship, I want it to be my turn for the happy ending.  I wish I just knew what to do about anything right now. Oh well, I guess in time I will figure things out, and I will get my happy ending.