So I have been doing a lot of thinking, make that all I have been doing. And stressing out. I graduate in May and have no idea where I am going after that, or what I going to do. No where feels like home, I don't want to stay, and going back feels like I am running away again. And then there is A who is another thing I think about all the time. I want him so bad, and everytime we talk, and everytime he lets me see another piece of who he is, everything that I feel for him grows. I still can't figure out if I like him because of my fear of being alone or because I truely like him. I thought about everything, and even though we are no longer officer's in the club together and we are in different terms I decided to wait until closer to graduation to tell him how I feel. With that decision and my failure to provide myself with an answer to why I like him, I also decided that for the time being to end our physical relationship. It was working out to. I was able to tell him no even though all I wanted to do was say yes and jump him right there, I was strong, said no, several times. So what happened today, why didn't I resist like before. Who the hell knows, certainly not me. I can't blame it on the way he looked, it was the same as always, and I can't blame it on the way we act around eachother, we have been flirting and joking around with eachother from day one. Maybe it was a secret look that I missed, or maybe it was the slightest touch. I doubt that though, I think it was the way he's been there for me the passed few weeks, when if it wouldn't have been for him I would have lost my mind. Everything has been so crazy in my life, school and at home, and A has been the only one to calm me down. But I lost all of my sense of accomplishment in one stupid moment, one lapse of judgement. We were in the storage room alone together looking for a part for lab, actually he was, I was there supervising telling how he was wrong, typical everyday things. Then all he did was grabbed my waist and that was it, I was his again. Not going to lie, it was great, until after. He knew something was wrong, and I couldn't tell him, so I lied and told him I was fine, and just relaxed. He didn't belive me, I'm sure of that, but I wanted so bad to tell him how I felt. I wanted to tell him, that I don't want to be with anyone else, and i don't want him to be with anyone else, I wanted to tell him how much I like him and want more from him than just sex whenever one of us has an urge. I couldn't though, staring into his eyes and my arms around his perfect body, I felt like I don't deserve him, like would never be good enough for him. So we just layed there for a few more minues, and got up and ignored what should have been said but wasn't.  after I left campus I felt like crap, and I still do, I know it what we did was wrong, and I should have said what was on my mind, but I couldn't. Stupid me. I guess now it is time to pick myself back up, and start over, and figure out what I want. I still want him, still want to be with him, but still don't know why. Being single sucks.