Technically, I ended the relationship I was in. I wouldn't call it a break up though. It's more like a "going seperate ways" kinda thing. It still hurts... a lot. I shouldn't be hurting over doing what I know was right. I shoudn't be missing a man that put his hands on me, but I do. It's been 8 days since I went to the police and asked them to remove him and onstead of removing him, they arrested him. It's been 7 days since I have had any contact with him. The no cantact thing is court ordered though. I guess it makes it easier. I have the urge to text him, but I know he won't write back. I have the urge to call him, but I know he won't answer.

 I have so many emotions. I have all the emotions that come with a traditional break up and then I have guilt because everyone is blaming me for this. I feel like I am lost. I'm sad, angry, and hurt. I feel like a failure because I gave up on him. I feel like I am to blame because maybe if I would have just went to work that day it wouldn't have happened. Or maybe if I hadn't of been so jealous. Or maybe if I hadn't of provoked him. I've got so many what ifs and they are drving me crazy! I haven't cried in 5 days. I'm calm and I'm not so emotionally broken that I can't get out bed, so I guess I'm doing pretty good.

It's just that I have 4 years of memories running thru my mind all the time. Everything reminds me of him. Of the good times. Of when we met and he was sober.... and then after we started dating, he started drinking again, and then he got a dui, and then he got sober again, and then he wanted to drink a beer one day and I didn't try to stop him, and it all just escalated from there. I remember when he was going to his aa meetings and he kept telling me that he was addicted drugs, not alcohol and I thought he was right. Oh how wrong I was. I remember all the days he hinted that he would like for me to go to his meetings with him and I always said no. I didn't see how me going would help him. But now after reading up on it, I can see how it WOULDV"E helped. He wouldn't have felt so alone, he wouldn't have felt unsupported. He was asking for help and my support and I didn't give it to him. I didn't support him. I know it seems like I am blaming myself, and I am in a way. You see, I am/was his enabler. I knew that if he was caught drinking or being in an establishment that served alchohol he would be violating his probabtion. But I always let him do it. No, we weren't married, but he always asked my "permission" to do certain things. I enabled him to go from someone who was trying to better himself to to someone who was back on the road to self destruction.

I know it's not all my fault though. I know being drunk is no excuse to put your hands on someone. Or to hold them down. Or to spit on them Or to push them. Or to tell them that they are worthless. All of those things hurt me emotionally and physically at the time, but they don't hurt now. Yeah, I still have the bruises from when he pushed me down, but I'm not mad at him. I am the type of person who sees the good in people no matter what they have done wrong. I am the very definition of a fixer. and even though I know I can't change him, that he has to want to change himself, it disappoints me that I wasn't able to "fix" him.

Since it happened I have thrown myself into everything I do. My home is spotless. I clean all day. It's like I am trying to occupy myself. It doesn't help though. At work, it is hard to keep the required smile on my face. It's even harder to wait on cute couples and see the love they share.

Our child is taking this whole situation quite well. He has told me that daddy is in jail, which he knew since he did see daddy get arrested. I told him that daddy is working far away and he will see daddy soon. He is satisfied with that answer. Only once has he asked about W. I was on the phone with the bank and he asked if I was talking to daddy, and I told him no. He hasn't asked again. Today he saw a truck that looked W's and he started talking about daddy's truck and then just as soon as he started, he stopped.

I see where W posts on facebook saying that he loves his son, he misses him, he wishes he could see him and all that... and you might think I am selfish for saying this, but it hurts that he doesn't miss me. It hurts that he feels no regret for what he did to me. That he sisn't sorry, that he doesn't love me. 2 days before all of this happened we went on a lil trip to visit some of W's family. In the 4 hours that we were in the car we had a lot of good converstation. He told me he was ready to try for another baby. That he was sure I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He sang to me and I can still here his voice singing that song. I hated that song... and now I can't stop playing it. I see where has started using dating apps... Why is he trying to find someone new? I don't understand how everything went wrong. I want to blame someone! or something! SHould I blame him? or me? or the alcohol since the only time he ever put his hands on me were when he was drunk?!

I'm holding it together, but I'm struggling. Everyday is a challenge. I've went from paying half the bills to paying them all. and I am so behind. I don't know how to live on my own. I don't know how to manage money. I don't know how I am going to be able to afford this house. Jobs are hard to come by, and I love the job I have. I can't work much right now because W and I worked opposite shifts so little man would always have soemone at home with him. W isn't around now and my family and friends all have jobs that don't coincide with mine. I just don't know what to do. I applied for help, but they told me I am little over the limit.

I just want to make it. I didn't want this situation. I didn't want to be in that place where I was torn between asking for help or staying... I didn't want this. I wish it would all go away!