I've been busy last year that I didn't have the chance to update my blog...but I did keep track of what happened to me during the years I've been inactive...so here it is ;)

Telling secrets is like a multilpe choice exam. To whom will you confess, what secret will you say? It is never easy because not all people can be your shock-absorber. One may react unexpectedly once who got the wrong choice of things to share. Instead of helping you with that tiny piece, they may lead you to absolute judgment.

Let me tell you some secrets of mine. The things I’ve kept hidden a long time ago for the fear of being drawn into the whirlwind of chaos and despair. I am entrusting you these revelations for safe keeping.

For once I want to be honest. For the first time I want to face what I despised the most. For the last time, I want to look back on the things I’ve done and finally put them to rest. No more running away so that starting today I can no longer say “Who I am hates who I’ve been.”

Sucker for love.

• Kids in love

When I was in elementary, I had my first boyfriend. I was in grade six to be exact...young at heart, sucker for love. Let’s just call him Blue. He was a classmate of mine for nine years including pre-school and kindergarten. Nothing was really special about him, it’s just we seemed to be alike and share the same interests. We both love watching cartoons and animes, listening to music, and biking.

He was an average boy with sun-kissed skin and brooding personality. I used to like him a lot because he’s smart, athletic and simple. Often times we go home side-by-side since we live on the same street. We’d talk about our classmates and even our crushes. There was an instance when he said he like me indirectly though. If reading between the lines is my talent then I did take the hint and surprisingly I found myself feeling the same way towards him.

Everything started out fine until it became a disaster (I’ve read this statement from a t-shirt I borrowed before). We communicate through telephones since cellular phones were rare during that time. He’d call almost every day that my mom and grandmother would ask me who’s been calling. At first I would say it was Blue. Later on I’d realized to put on some alibi since they’re becoming suspicious. Considering my age, at 12, they were sensing something inappropriate for a kiddo like me. So I started lying. Whenever he called, I’d tell my mom it was my close friend who’s by the way was a girl.

Things have been this way for months. To strengthen my defences against my snooping guardian, Blue took part on my plan. We arranged things perfectly. This time we were wise enough to ask his cousin, a girl of course to serve as an accomplice. She would call me and pretend to be my classmate whenever Blue and I would talk over the phone. This was to ensure my mom or any other person that indeed I was talking with my girl friend for hours. She was sort of a look-out and it worked perfectly.

When I got to have a cellular phone, of course a commodity that I need to share with everyone in the house, my lying ability levelled up. Once my mom read Blue’s text message asking me if I was jealous over someone, she eventually snapped and scolded me without further query. Automatically I lied again. I called Blue using our telephone asking him to send me a text message telling me that the message earlier was not meant for me rather it was for his crush Purple. It was a favor that would test his personal intentions for me, and he succeeded for gaining my trust after that. He won’t do anything to get us into trouble and so I tried my best too.

We became girlfriend-boyfriend. We tried to hide it from others so that we won’t be teased or scolded by our parents. After that we've decided to tell our close friends at least one for each of us. Later on things started to be gloomy. A transferee became my crush yet of course it was just for fun. Blue somehow mutated from being kind-hearted to stone-hearted unknown person from whatever planet. He started to say mean things against me and told our classmates that we’re actually in a relationship. He said he was just fooling around with me and never will what we have seriously. Lies sprung like weeds. He denied all the good things he did for me. He even told me that it was his cousin who was talking to me on the phone. He was furious and from that time, I made my first trip to hell.

My last year in elementary turned out to be a black hole. I wanted to escape so badly. We did not talk even during our last day of school. He bullied me all throughout that somehow I was confused whether he loved me that much that he was so possessive or he just hated me that he wouldn’t want others to see me as a lowlife creature that’s why he did all those bad things.

For nine years now, we did not have a normal conversation. We got to talk when was needed but never did he or I voluntarily say my greetings with a smile. He once befriended me on a social networking site but it was just that time. It never happened again now that I have my facebook. He may certainly think I’m a user, a spoiled brat who’d ask him too many favors and ended up betraying his trust.

Since summer of 2010, I've been dreaming of him. Sometimes he's been the main character, seldom did he play the extra role. We're always in good terms and I often say sorry to him or vice-versa. Is dreaming him a sign to finally end our dispute? As a manga says “ A dream is the desire of one's heart.” Now I wonder what my heart really wants me to do.

If I will be given a chance I would like to talk to him for friendship’s sake. I did not like our ending and it was my first encounter with tragedy. My guidance counsellor once asked me if what happened in the past that somehow made me to become suspicious and not trusting people. Maybe this time of my life would serve as the answer to that question. Miss Counsellor was right. I did experience something traumatic that even my subconscious could not totally erase and make it part of my repressed memories. Blue left an impression on me. I believe I did the same to him. We only differ on how we cope with our first epic fail love story. Yes we were just kids in love. It was young love as the song goes, stupid, something we can’t learn from but for me it was enough.