"Don't make someone a priority when you are only his option." I read that in one of the responses to a blog on this site and it really resonated with me. I've always made him a priority. If he were to call me up right now, I would answer. I can't seem to say ‘no' to him even though that should be my first response. Unfortunately, he knows it. He says if he were a ‘power trippy' kind of guy he would take advantage of that, but he won't...he does. Every time he calls me, every time we make plans, every time we fool around...he knows he'll get what he wants...that's why he still calls. If he doesn't love me, the only honorable thing would be to TELL me he has no interest and stop calling. He doesn't want to lose his backup. He doesn't want to give up the sex. He doesn't want to lose the friendship or hurt my feelings...whatever his reasons for not speaking up, it doesn't matter. I know how I feel and if he doesn't feel the same way then I'm wasting my time. I should be strong enough to say ‘no.'

I get so angry with myself...I have all these plans to be strong, to keep things in perspective and just be friends, but when I see him, I can't help but become an unsure, blubbering idiot. I'll make a comment about things and he'll say ‘let's talk about it.' I'll tell him I don't want to talk about it and he says ‘why can't we communicate about it?' Why? Because nothing has changed...how many times do I want to listen to him tell me he's not ready for a relationship...he's just not a relationship guy...or he just got out of a bad relationship so he's not ready for another one? Hearing that again and again would just make me feel worthless and unloved...why would I want to keep hearing it??  I wish I had said ‘if something changes, then we'll talk, but if not, what's the point?'  I always think of the perfect thing to say later...just can't think straight when I'm around him.

More importantly, why do I keep putting myself in this position? Why don't I just walk away and not look back? I'm trying to move forward. I'm making plans with friends and family. I'm even dating. I would love to be the one to speak up and say things have changed...I've found someone else while you were still ‘thinking about it.' I feel like such a colossal fool for wasting my energy and love on someone who doesn't love or respect me. Does any guy ever suddenly realize they want more than sex from someone? If I keep giving it away, why wouldn't he just keep taking it?

Lately, I've been trying to remind myself of all his flaws...of all I'm missing out on by letting myself get sucked into a FWB relationship. I want someone who calls on a regular basis, who cares about my thoughts and feelings and who kisses me...passionately! I think that's the thing I miss the most...I could kiss for hours and never feel the need to push for more. I want a kiss to be the main event...not just something rushed through to get naked. He doesn't kiss me anymore...how can you have ‘rock your world' sex when there's no kissing? You can't...it can be fun, spontaneous and even hot, but without a kiss, it's not intimate...it's just an act, a service provided...and damn...I'm not even getting paid for it! LOL...I joke, but it's at my own expense. I need to have more self-love and respect for myself. I've tried to fool myself into thinking I could just ‘be a guy' about this and scratch the itch without getting emotionally involved, but I can't. He has my heart, he knows it, and I'm one who has to be strong enough to walk away. My head knows what I need to do, I just have to convince my heart to stop holding onto shreds of hope and do it. Time to make myself my top priority.