Have you ever had that one relationship, where it impacted you seemingly forever? I believe that you can learn from every relationship that you have, which keeps me optimistic in even the worst situations. My first "real" boyfriend really changed my whole outlook on dating. It changed from the innocent person that I was to someone way more cynical.

Now that I'm four years out of that relationship, I can look back on it with an open mind. I can understand how it shaped me as a person. I didn't have any boyfriends in high school. I was pretty innocent until I started to date my prom date. The relationship with him (I'll call him A) was so innocent. We didn't kiss until 3 months into the relationship. A and I were more like friends. Right after I broke up with A (it was more amicable, he was still in HS, I was in college, we were just at different points in our lives), I immediately started to date M, who I now call my first "real" boyfriend.

I fell head over heels for M. I thought that I loved him. I think what I really wanted then was someone to care about me, someone to give me attention, and someone who I could have fun with. As stupid as it sounds now, I really wanted to know what it was like to have sex. I wanted to see what was so great about it. I had a few friends who were not virgins and they seemed to want to have sex all the time, so I wanted to see the big deal about the whole thing. Which is why I think that I jumped into having sex with M so quickly. We were together for a month when we made the plundge. I actually freaked out at the time, but he said to me, "Come on just do it already! We are going to have to do it sometime, lets just do it right now!" And basically just shoved (sorry I couldn't find a better word) it inside of me. After he left, and I was by myself - I can't even describe how I felt. I felt like I did something wrong. I didn't get the warm feeling that I thought that I did. Looking back on it now, M was definitely wrong. I kind of felt like I was violated.

And pretty much that's how our whole relationship was - based on sex. If we didn't do something M would get mad at me. And it would always be my fault. It was like I could never do enough. I kind of base the whole situation on the fact that M had an addictive personality. he was a "recovering" (I use that term very lightly) drug addict and alcoholic. I didn't know that, though, until after we had sex and I was already attached to him. I actually believe that M has a sex addiction as well.

M cheated on me many times. I caught him a few times. But every time he cheated on me, it was always my fault. Because I didn't give him enough sex. Or maybe just because he wanted to see if he could get away with it. He admitted to me that he lied for the fun of it. He wanted to see what he could get away with. Because of him, I lost all trust in guys. It took me years to gain back that trust - and still today if there is one thing that someone does that seems kind of shady I start to mistrust them.

It was just like he shattered everything. And I was too much "in love" and to stupid to actually see everything. Although, deep down inside I knew that I needed to get out. About 8 months into the relationship I was just so unhappy. We went on vacation together with his family. It was a miserable time. I cried almost every single day that I was there. He was just so emotionally abusive to me. I think that it was because he wasn't using at that point, since he was on vacation with his family and had no fix. He would yell at me for everything that I did. I got yelled at for calling up my parents. I got yelled at because I was uncomfortable having sex because we shared a motel suite with his parents and brother/brother's girlfriend. He made me feel like shit. That's not the worst of it though. He violated me so badly that weekend. I don't even like to think about it now.

But that's why my whole view on guys is so messed up. I used to equate sex with love. I would have sex with someone in order for them to accept me. I like to think of things that I could have done differently, but I was just so young and stupid. I would never stand for that stuff now. And it took me years to get over it and move past. But I have learned from the whole situation.