2010-02-02

I don't even remeber how I found this sight, unable to sleep, I surfed the ineternet. But I found it and decided I would join, not knowing what to expect, I figured at least it is a place I can vent. Most of the time I like to think that I am an itellegent person, with a low tolerance for bull shit, and for the most part it used to be true but with each failed realationship, I find myself changing, and not in a good way. When it comes to relationships, and just men in general I am stupid. I seen all the mistakes my mom made with every guy that she bought into our live's when I was growing up, and I swore I would never make those same mistakes. Well here I am 23, a single mother, making some of the same mistakes my mother made. I didn't have my first real relationship until I was 20. I guess it was a good one, until he started drinking all the time and cheating on me, which I found out after the night he very much plastered, holding up his beer can announced that the can of beer he was holding was his only friend and he was dumping me. Nice right, dummped for a can of beer. I was devistaded of course, and after 3 months of throwing myself into work and school a friend of mine told me I needed to get out again and have some fun and meet someone new. She introduced me to my first 1 night stand, which was horible. She also introduced me to my beautiful baby's father. We had a long distance relationship, seen eachother as much as possible. I got pregnat the first or second time we had sex, go figure, that's my luck. Well things were fine, he said we would figure out a way to make it work. Until 5 1/2 months pregnant and in a text message got told to go fuck myself it was over between us. He told me to get an abortion or put it up for adoption, he didn't care, it probably wasn't his kid anyway. Didn't hear from him again until my son was 2 weeks old. After my baby daddy left I didn't date, go out or anything until my son was 4 months old. Everyone tried to set  me up, or get me to go out, I had no desire to. Then I went back to work. I still had no desire to date, I just wanted to focus on being a mom. I  don't think of myself as pretty or hot or anything, I can look ok when I try. But at work I started getting phone number's from the male customers. So I admit I liked the attention. There was one guy in particular who figured out when I worked, and would only come in when I worked. I finally gave him my number. We talked every night, finally we decided to have sex, which was awesome (it had been well over a year without). We never said we were in a relationship, but when you ask the person you are involved with and they say no, then you figure they are telling the truth. Well then he starts getting wierd, come's over and then right when we are about to fool around, he would have to leave. The final straw with that one was when we are actually having sex and his phone rings and he stops to answer it, and then gets dressed, but tells me to wait 5 minutes and he will be right back, had to pick his brother up. I didn't wait, he never showed up. He calls though, and he apologizes and tells me aobut his wife and how we almost got busted, but we could continue with what we were doing, I just couldn't tell anyone. UMMM..... can you say HELL NO! So once again I was single, I liked it that way. But after 3 months I realized I was lonely and wanted a relationship. My aunt calls me up one day and tells me to get dressed up, and pack an overnight bag for my son, I was going out. She failed to mention with some guy. He wasn't my  type, but I figured my type wasn't working, so give it a shot. He was nice, I drank a little too much, and put out. Bad me, but oh well what can you do. Well the next day he doesn't leave until like 4 in the afternoon, and I was at my aunts apartment. He goes home and we agree to go out the next night. Well my son got sick and I had to take him to the er, so had to cancell the date. Well J meets me at the er, and stayed with me and my son the whole time. so I fell for him. This is probably when I went temperarily insane. The night I fell for him was the night he never went back home. I was staying with my aunt, due to some old family drama, and didn't want to be by myself. So J stayed at my aunts house with me, for two weeks he went home long enough to shower, change cloths, and feed his animal's. He skipped thanksgiving to be with my family, after 3 weeks of us knowing eachother. Same for Christmas. After Thanksgiving I decided I was ready to go back to my house, J came with, next thing I know its Feburary and he still with me has quit his job, started taking me to my classes every day, and picking me up. Stealing money out of my bank account, and calling me 17 times a day while I was in class that he dropped me off at the campus, why because I am the only female in my program and he was jealous of my friends. I put up with it, then he started throwing a fit because my son wanted my attention all the time, and I was busy doing homework all the time. I put up with that too. Then I would say no to sex and he would have sex with me anyway. I still put up with that, why, becase I was crazy and believed him when he said he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. Last straw was when he started to push my son off of me because J wanted to snuggle with me. I called my friend and 2 weeks later I went to her house and ened it. Good thing I did it at my friend's because he started to shove me and wouldn't leave.  After J I decided I was done dating for a long time.  However that didn't stop me from being with a guy from school, after we went to the bar one night, but we both knew what we were doing, stress relief was what we called it. In fact we still go out to smoke in between classes everyday. And another friend and I got  wasted and dancing lead to well, really, really bad sex. Well 3 months after J I stumble accross a free trial for a dating site. why not, so I gave it a shot. by day 2 of that 3 day trial I met M. We instantly hit it off, we started im'ing on yahoo, and then talked on the phone. We talked every night for hours. We met after 1 month of talking, I saw fireworks, I never thought the smell of pizza would ever turn me on, but it did when it was on M. for 4 months we talked every night and seen eachother once a month. Then in that last month I find out he has a daughter. Ok that's fine didn't bother me. The last night we were together he was distant and wasn't the same. I go home because he had to go to work, like always. he called me when he got off work like always, and when I put my son to bed, I got on yahoo, like always. We were talking he apologized for the night before, all was forgiven.  Well then he tells me he is at his daughter's mom's house. Ok, whatever, I guess I can be ok with that until she starts talking to me. She tells me how they are going to get back together and had no idea M and I were dating. Then she starts talking about the sex between them. Well me being stupid put up with that crap for 2 weeks, she moved in with M. Finally after M not being able to tell me that I was worth fighting for, and getting rid of the baby mamma, not the daughter, and M not being able to do so or tell me that he picked me I ended it. Good for me. Well 2 weeks later he comes crawling back and says he was sorry, and she was gone, and he realized he loved me and wanted to be with me. I believed him. Things were perfect for about 3 weeks then we faught like crazy and I heard he was with someone else. M denied it I believed him, after all we talked every night after he got off work, so how could he be cheating on me. Well 3 days later he ended it. He said it was him, we were moving to fast, he was confused, and he still had feelings for his ex, but wanted to be friends. I said no. it would be too hard for me, I loved him too much. So that was the end. 4 days later he apologized, I fell for it. 1 week and then he stopped answering my calls and for two days when I would first text him he would ask who I was. I finally called and as i here a girl in the background he said he was sleeping and hangs up. I call back and ask what is going on, and the girl gets on. Well that ended that. I sent him a message telling him it was over and not to come crawling back to me when she left him. So I guess we will see how things go week 3 no call.