Yesterday ended up being a good day :) I did end up going crazy yesterday morning. My son was screaming, and I was feeling very alone. I had to get of the house! So I counted change and took it my dad and he gave me cash. Me, my bff, and little man went to the store and bought my dad a fathers day card and gift. and I decided that little man needed something to give his dad for fathers day. I don't know if it's a good idea, but it felt right. I bought a cheap card and some golf balls for little man to give him. I don't even know when he will be around again, but I'll leave them with his clothes.

I didn't hear from him at all. It's been 36 hours and I am doing okay, I'm still hurt and wondering, but it isn't affecting everyday activites like it did Wednesday. One of my friends sent me a picture of him at the gym. He always plays basketball on Thursday's.

I also talked to his mom last night. She had no idea what was going on. She said she has saw him twice and he never mentioned anything about what had happened to her. I didn't want to tell her, but I had no choice because she wanted to know why I wasn't coming to her dad's bday party on Saturday. I am not a fan of lying, so I told her, but I asked her not to let him know that I said anything. She said she thinks that is really stressed about paying all the bills and living paycheck to paycheck. I told her I have asked him a million times if I could get a job and he always says no. I think he is too proud to admit that he needs help keeping the bills up and she agreed. She said he may have gotten "cold feet", which could be true, but technically we have been "engaged" 3 times already. Maybe he did get scared. I don't know though. She said to give him time to think and not to rush him out the door... She said if he is having trouble paying the bills here, then he obviously can't move out and pay the bills somewhere else. That is true as well because we live in my familys house and our rent is very cheap considering it's size. $300 for a 4 bedroom, 1 1/2 bath house with a fenced in yard. A house half this size was $425 a month.

I'm just letting it go. It is getting easier to go on. I know I can be without him. I just wish I was prepared to do it before it happened. Many times I had thought about getting a job, saving up money and leaving him because he is never here and it was hard, but I could never do it. Sometimes I wonder how we made it as long as we did.

I put on make up and a dress yesterday and it made me feel good. I felt pretty. It was nice to feel that way. I think I will start excerising as well. I'm not overweight, but I'd like my thighs to not be so jiggly! LOL plus he loved my thighs, so I'd like to change them. I'd like to get back down to 115 or so. Thats only 5 pounds to lose, so it shouldn't be too hard to do. I'm having a little trouble eating right now, but I know my appetite will come back.

On a not so positive note, I have 3 diapers. That will probably last the whole day. I guess I am going have to really work on the potty training. Little man does good with it, but sometimes he wants to wear a diaper. I don't want to text him to ask for diapers... His mom said she wanted to come by today, so maybe she can get diapers and have him pay her back. This is exactly why when I get gas money, I am going to old serving job and asking if I can come back.