It's over

I feel so many things at once. Sorrow, anger, hurt, love...

I love him, I always will love him in some way.

For 3 weeks we discussed everything, my moving there, what our lives would be like together again. What it would mean for me to leave all my family, my friends. I told him I was willing to take that risk, that I wanted him. He was what I thought of as my future, my family, my best friend for 4 years. He needed more time to think, and yesterday he ended things again, he wasn't ready for that risk. He thought if I moved out there leaving everything that I would be sad, that if I was miserable he would be responsible. He was afraid that we haven't fully been able to test our realationship enough to risk that...

I don't understand. He says he loves me, he has never loved anyone more than he has loved me. He says that I am his best friend, he will always care for me, always love me. Says he will be there for me when I need him, that he wants me in his life always...but he can't take the risk to be together. It's so confusing, and I dont know what I feel half the time. Today was the hardest day yet. I have cried till I cant. Cried till I stop being able to breathe, till I am choking with everything. I didn't sleep last night, don't feel like eating...I feel like all that is truly important to me is gone. My life, my future, my love. What do I have left? I dont know what to do with myself. It hurts so much, so so so so much. how can I ever move on? How can I ever stop loving him? I miss him so badly....it's only been 24 hours since we last spoke...what do i do tomorrow...the next day...the day after that?

Everything around me reminds me of him, everything has memories, happy memories of a different time. I feel like I can't be in my own room. I feel like I cant breathe half the time...all my instintcs are to run to him when I'm sad, in trouble, hurt...it's screaming at me to talk to him, to beg him to come back..but I can't cause its really over this time. No more  talking...

I never thought this day would come, I always had hope...I don't know what to do without him, he was my rock.

So lost...so so lost...