Yes, I am back. This time with a story to share about stupidity. I took W back 240something days ago. Things had been going well as they always do when you get back with an ex. Of course, he started drinking again, and the drinking led to physical and verbal abuse. When he was sober, he was wonderful. The sober W showed me a love I never imagined. The drunk W made me fear for my life. A few months ago W came home drunk.. We got in an arguement (We only argued when he was drunk.), and things got heated. He held my arms down on the bed so I couldn't move and proceeded to tell me that I was worthless, a horrible mother, a jealous bitch, and multiple other things. After about an hour of me lying there listening to him, he passed out. I left and I was going to go the police. Of course, I didn't go. I made excuses. I told myself it will get better. He will change. And then I turned around and went back home.

The next day after little man went down for a nap, I told W we needed to talk. I told him that what had happened the night before was never to happen again. He swore up and down he had no recollection of it happening (Just like all the other times...). I warned him that if it was to ever happen again, I would go to police. I meant it.

So after that, things were good again. Until a few weeks ago when he drove our child home while he was drunk! I yelled and screamed at him for putting our sons life in danger. He went to bed.. The next day he text me and told me he would never drink again.

Fast Forward to Saturday. W's birthday weeked... He was drunk. Him and his best friend got into a fist fight. I was sober as usual, and I had had enough of the drama... After seeing him flirt with girls in front of me, and then tell me that I could walk to my car I decided I was done. I walked down the road, called some of his friends and they took me to my car. I told his friends that I was done with it all. And they told me that W loved me and our son more than anything in the world and that he was trying to change he just hadn't figured out how to do it yet... SO I went home and decided to sleep on it. Sunday afternoon, W textx me and asked if he could home. I told him that was his decision. That was @ 1pm. @3pm I went to take a nap and awoke to him knocking things down in our bedroom. I was annoyed and his lack of respect since he knew I was extremely tired. Anyways, he told me that I always ruined his birthdays by being a jealous B---- and blah blah blah. Things escalated... He asked for the money my parents had borrowed from us and I balled it up and threw it at him. He threw a baggie of ice at me. Then he got in my face and yelled at me and then walked away. I took his birthday present from our son and threw it off the deck. As I was coming back inside he ran to the door and shoved me. I landed on my left side which is now covered in bruises.

He told me to leave and then he wouldn't let me leave. I finally left (without our child because he was sleeping and I know in my heart I would have died trying to get our son out of there with me). I called W's mother.. She was too busy with her boyfriend to go talk to W. I gave W 3 chances to take little man to my moms and leave and I wouldn't go to the police. He said no everytime.

I had on pajama pants, a tank top and nothing else. No shoes, no jacket nothing. I called a friend and asked for her help. She brought me shoes and together we went to the police. I will be completely honest. I went to the police with the intention of getting W out of the house. I wasn't going to file domestice violence charges. While talking to the officer and explaining the situation to him, he asked me if W ever threatened me with bodily harm. I know he could clearly see the bruises and scrapes on my arm, so I told him the truth. Apparently in TN if an officer suspects domestic abuse he has to arrest the aggressor whether or not the victim wants it to happen. I was crying my eyes out because all I wanted was for W to leave. We follow the officers to my house... about 3 minutes before the officers pulled into the drive, I recieved a text from W saying, "I'm sorry"........... The officers call me in to get little man, and W is throwing a fit. Saying he didn't assault anyone and this is bs. she's a liar... When I bring Kane out the officers ask if I will allow W to say goodbye to little man. (at this point, little man is freaked out. He wakes from his nap with a police officer standing by his bed and mommy crying and daddy yelling in another room). I say yes but little man refused to go to W. W then gets even more mad and starts yelling about how how little man needs to give him a hug because MAMA is having him put in JAIL. and the officers ask him to stop... I set down little man and back away to give W another chance to say goodbye. He then hugs little man and tells him that he will get him back and MAMA is a fing LIAR and an UNFIT MOTHER. The officers were very agitated at that. I go outside and put little man in the car and little man see's his dad being put in the police car.

So W went to jail.for 12 hours. He got out at 7 this morning. We are not supposed to speak to eachother or be around each other until after his court date on April 22nd. His probation officer called me this morning and asked for the details and I told her... She said she is violating him and working to revoke something(I didn't hear that part). She said if it gets revoked he will go to jail for a maximum of 6 years, At the time of her call to me, he hadn't reported to her about his arrest which caused her to begin putting a warrant out for his arrest again...

So... here I am knowing I did the right thing and yet I feel so sad. I feel so lost. I feel like I ruined his life. He spent his 27th bday in JAIL. I feel like I am to blame, but I know I'm not. I know that he brought this on himself. Yes, I provoked him by throwing the money at his head, and by throwing his present outside... I don't think that provoking someone gives them the right to put their hands on you though. I KNOW I did the right thing, but I'm having trouble convincing myself that I did. I wanted to change him... I wanted to fix his alcohol addiction... I wanted the love that was there when he was sober, and now I have nothing but an empty house that I feel scared in. I know he is with his mom, and I know that she doesn't believe he abused me, but I know she probably told him that they only way she would bail him out of jail was if he stayed at her house at all times. So I know he won't be coming out here...Im sure his mother has gotten him a lawyer and soon I will be served with court papers over custody. I'm not worried. I know that I am the more fit parent. I know I will get through this. I just have to work through it and stay strong.

I'm not supposed to touch his stuff since both of our names are on the lease, so I am stuck looking at his things until April 22nd, but it's okay. It's just hard because I do miss him even though I shouldn't.