Hello, Blog. First time posting and I have a bit to get off my chest. I'm hoping this blog and site will help me in getting over this guy, because he's definitely not worth the way I feel right now.

Anyhow...here goes.

A little under a year ago, June to be specific, I was asked on a date by a guy I'll call S. I had a weird past with S. We'd worked together and had talked, but we didn't hit it off very well to begin with and kind of ending up not liking each other at all. It's a bit funny to think of now, but once I quit the job I had I was happier and I suppose he saw that and we wound up merely speaking congenially at work when I went into the store. Well, the night my niece was born, he asked me out by texting me, and then we IM'd that night and the next. I wasn't looking at all for a relationship or even a date, because I was alright on my own and just having fun being me. I thought it would be okay, though, to just hang out. That was the plan. Eventually we did finally hang out and we had fun. He was nice, really sweet, and respectful, but fun too. I didn't really have any feelings at this point, but I convinced myself I never would because I knew it wouldn't go anywhere. He's not the same religion as I am, which is important, so I knew dating would be a bad idea...but thought being friends would be okay.

Well, I should have said no to begin with. :(  Anyhow, weeks and days pass by and we talk more and we hang out now and then, but never really go out anywhere. I don't think I could introduce him to my parents as they wouldn't ever approve and he never introduced me to his...but we were liking each other regardless. By August, we were pretty much really into each other, though every now and then I tried to convince myself and him that it wasn't a big deal to me when it was becoming one. The last Sunday in August, I went to see him at work. We hugged, kissed, and talked a bit. He texted me later and said he missed me already and that he loved me. I was really thrown off, but was excited. I started planning on breaking the news to my parents...even though I knew the reaction would be negative. I was preparing myself for it though. We talked that Monday, and was ok, but Tuesday he asked me why I had deleted my Myspace...I told him it was because I never used it anymore. Then he asked why I deleted him from my friends list on Facebook...I paused. I had honestly forgotten about that. It was done weeks before when he had done something that irritated me (it was a joke, but I was upset and didn't take it that way and going to just write him off...I rethunk it and added him back but he hadn't been online in a while and had just got my new request.) I tried to tell him as such...but he just...didn't respond. I freaked, thinking he was upset.

He didnt' talk to me, or attempt to for three days.

In the interim, I was upset and sad, wondering what I did wrong, and hoping I could fix it. By then, I had pretty much started to fall for him. On that Sunday, he texted and said he thought we should just be friends and that's all. I was so upset. I cried and called one of my bffs about it..she said that it would be ok. He later wrote me on FB and told me that he felt I wasn't affectionate enough and that I was just playing games when he wasn't. Feeling like it was my fault, I agreed and told him how I felt, but that I respected his decision. So, for most of September, I was depressed but tried my best to get over him. First of October, I see him at my new job and we chat casually and I feel like I'm going to be okay with this. I have him back on my FB and we try to be friends again...but somehow it turns into more AGAIN and I think we may be going somewhere. Then, he cuts it off again. I'm upset, of course. But I leave it alone through most of November. By December though...

He IM's me a lot on FB and texts me, but in retrospect it's mostly when he's bored and horny. I hadn't done anything sexual with him prior, but kisses, so this is kind of weird to think about now, but I was willing to just talk to him. I think he knew that and preyed on it. He got me to believe he wanted me, but I know it was just a game now. January, I did some stuff with him that I regret and wish I never did, but thankfully I never got to actually having sex with him. It was a hit and miss from then on, and he started to ignore me for a while, then IM me whenever, but I was finally seeing the picture and realized he didn't really want me for me, just me for what he thought he could get. I asked him a few weeks ago what we were and he said "great friends". It was BS. Mostly because he never talked to me like a friend would and that he only paid me attention when he was bored. So, I finally worked up the nerve a few weeks ago to delete him from my phone, email, and FB. I also deleted my FB, so that I could stay away from it for a while.

It was working, sorta. He saw me at his work, and was nice but I just...couldn't pretend that it was ok. He just seemed to pretend I wasn't acting sad, which irritated me. I cried on the way home, finally getting my cry out that had been stuck in my chest for months, and felt kinda empty. But I resolved to move on. However, I had a hunch about something...and checked my bff's FB to see. He was "in a relationship". This was found out two days ago...I was upset and cried, called my friends and we all agreed he was a dirtbag for never even telling me. It would have been courteous to say something along the lines of him finding someone else when he knew I thought we were something, at least more than friends.

But I realize he had no intentions to. Like he had no intention of introducing me to his parents, or meeting mine. He had no intention of telling me important health issues he had until I had to confront him on it. And he never really had the intention of being with me...I think I was just a little game he played for amusement that summer.

I'm hurt, and I text him to say that I was upset that he didn't tell me...He played stupid of course. So I emailed him and let him know that if he had ANY thing related to me on his phone or computer to delete it. It felt final and that hurt, but now I believe I can move on. He definitely has. My friends try to cheer me up by saying that Karma will come back to get him, and I know it will. All I can do now, I think, is pray about it, move on, and start over. It's going to be a new summer, and hopefully I can find something to give me hope. It doesn't have to be a new guy, that would be nice however. But I'm looking forward to hanging out with my best friends, to hanging out with my mom (she's worried about me) and to rebuilding my self esteem and self respect. I'm going to put this and S behind me, and when his world falls down, I won't be there to help him pick it up. He doesn't care, why should I?

So, here's to mending my heart, and feeling better. :) I'm hopeful, and maybe in a few months time, I'll be a-okay again.