Today is the day of the "big date." I think it's good we decided to start over and begin the process by incorporating a first date. Now it really feels like a fresh start. He's coming back from his parent's house around 2 o'clock so I'm assuming the date will be in the evening. I'm a little nervous...but mostly excited. Nervous because I'm still not convinced he won't just up and leave me like he did last time.

But this is a fresh start and I'm starting to look at it as a win-win situation either way. If things are great the second time around, then good. But if he decides he doesn't want to be with me and dumps me again, then that's okay too. It will be the final straw...the shove I'll need to rid my life of him for good.

I still harbor some bitter feelings toward him. What I would love is for him to go out of his way to make me feel special again. To make me feel needed and appreciated. After you hurt someone wouldn't you want to do everything in your power to make it up to them? Kevin doesn't work that way. And do you want to know why? Because he's selfish. I think deep down he feels his reasons for dumping me are so valid that he shouldn't have to apologize. I feel a bit disgusted by that. I hope he proves me wrong and gives me the heartfelt apology I'm longing for. I wouldn't need him to profess his love for me or promise to stay with me forever...all I want is an apology for drunkenly calling me a bitch, telling me to go fuck myself, and dumping me through a text message. Six simple words: You and me done. Facebook official.

Those words resonate in my head like the chime of a bell.

Tonight I'm going to put a little extra effort into how I look. I'm going to paint my nails and even use the Crest Whitestrips I have sitting around. I'm not so much doing it for him...I'm doing it because I want to be on my game, feeling great about myself and my life. I don't want to look as though I haven't been lounging around in my pajamas, pouting for the past five days.

I haven't seen Kevin in five days. We haven't said I love you since the break-up either. It really is a fresh start. I'm going to try to be hopeful and optimistic about it.