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24.10.2009 (936 Days Ago)
I've had a really bad string of relationships. I really do not know what my problem is, but I seem to constantly go for the person who is completely wrong for me.
This past May, I had to opportunity to date two different guys exclusively. Guy #1 was a police officer, had a nice steady job, and seemed like an overall nice guy. However, when we went out on a couple of dates - I found him kind of dull. Like I was reaching to make conversation with him. Now, I don't know if that was my problem because I happened to meet another guy at around the same time. Guy #2 was a college drop-out (he had a 0.0 average and was actually kicked out), working part-time at a retail store, and was tens of thousands dollars in debt. However, Guy #2 was funny and seemed to have a good personality. Now, I don't know WTF attracted me to Guy #2 but I decided that it would be a good idea to date him instead of Guy #1.
Long story short, I knew that the whole job thing would really bug me. Guy #2 was 26 years old, living at home (which I don't necessarily think is bad because I live at home as well), his $60,000+ in college loans was in collections, and he was highly unmotivated. He had absolutely no desire to get a new job or want to improve his life. According to him he "loved" his life and there was nothing wrong with it. Of course he loved his life!!! He was working with people my student's age! (I'm a HS teacher). I'd love having no responsibilities and pissing my days away at a crappy job. And I wouldn't have cared so much about the job if he actually tried. I mean, I offered to help him write resumes, I looked online for jobs that he could apply to, I even GOT him job applications! Everything that I did for him was met with an excuse - or saying that the job was "too hard." Of course any other job would be harder than standing around the cell phone section of Best Buy!!! But you have to expand your mind a little bit!
OK, so that really wasn't a long story short - I kind of got a little lost in my venting. But seriously WTF was I thinking! I should have listened to everyone who warned me about the fact that I just would not happy with a guy like that. But I thought that I could change him. Obviously, that whole relationship ended (which, while I'm happy it did - I am not happy that he tricked me into thinking that he wanted the relationship to work and then preceded to break up with me 3 days later via a text message - but that's a different story for a different day)
See, I think what my problem is is that I want to fix people. I think that I could be the fixer. I could have helped him get a job and change him. But maybe they don't want to be changed. Maybe I just need to find a nice, normal guy with a job and a college education. I just wonder what could have been with Guy #1. Although, if I wasn't into him then I really shouldn't have forced myself. But if Guy #2 did not come along, I definitely would have given Guy #1 more of a chance. I'm just not into the whole dating two people at the same time. Which I really should be more if I want to actually get out there and expand myself.
Anonymous wrote 936 Days Ago (neutral) 0You ARE a fixer. And you truly believe that people will change to be who you want them to be. And I'm not saying that in a mean way - I'm saying remember that guy that cheated on you? The one that said it was YOUR fault? And for whatever reason, you stayed - thinking he would stop. But he kept doing it.
You are so right. You need to stop making bad choices. This guy #2 - so what if he's funny? He's a total loser. I think if you would have weighed the situation before you got involved, you would have recognized that as a 'red flag' right off the bat. That doesn't mean that you should have gone out with the police officer if you didn't want to - but you need to really think about who you are choosing and let yourself be SNOBBY as hell when you pick someone.
And I say this out of LOVE because I used to be like you. I used to like these guys that I thought I could change and I was always unhappy because the guy wasn't who I thought he was "supposed" to be. People are who they are. And you can't change them. So now when I meet people, I sit and evaluate them - just as they are evaluating you. And clearly when someone evaluates you, they find that you're a GOOD CATCH - so they are always going to pick you. Of course they are! But it sounds like you need to think about all the good qualities about yourself that you're proud of - and look for those qualities in the guys you date. So sit and write a list of the qualities you like about yourself. Then refer to it often.
So find someone with an education and a job. Find someone who makes as much money as you or more. You live with your parents, so it's okay to date someone that lives with their parents - however- I suspect you have an escape plan for the future. Ask the guy you're dating if he also has one. Don't be afraid to be a snob. You're obviously attractive with so many guys wanting to be with you - and now it's up to YOU to be picky. You're a catch.
Maybe make a rule that you date a guy 3 times and during that time you'll evaluate him. If there are any red flags - and refer to the list of qualities you like about yourself and write this stuff down - then just walk away. You'll meet someone else soon and you'll make better choices.
As for me - I did this. And I'm dating someone who is way smarter than me who has a very bright future ahead of him. And do you know what? Dating him makes me want to strive to be doing better than I am - so he can be proud of me - because I am so proud to be with him. We help each other,, support each other and strive to do better because of it. I want that for you. : ) This is the first time in my life that I've had this kind of a relationship. It took a long time for me to get here. And I know you can do it too!
MJ0 points
