Being 17 makes you wonder if you really know what true love is yet. Or is it just a phase of intense infatuation you pass through.

But how else do you describe the those feelings you get everytime you think of him or see him? I tell myself im over him everyday. That i SHOULD be over him... but why the hell am i not?? >:(  It makes me feel more guilty than you can imagine. because not only does it hurt me to love him... it also hurts my best friend. who is. well.. my -now- boyfriend...

I dated my ex for 4 months and we were inseparable for the first 2... but then we started to argue. I tended to over react to some of the things he said or did and we faught a lot. but always got over it. till some tim in our 3rd month he confessed he did not love me anymore but that didnt mean he wanted to break up... i should have had the guts to break up with him then and there. but i was still madly in love and would have given anything to try and make it work... but we grew further and further apart. i could feel the whole world crashing down around me but he assured me everything was fine.. it SO wasnt...

 :\ we hardly spoke afterwards cause i was too afraid of rejection. so most contact just stopped... school holidays began and he promiced we'd see each other. but he never bothered to ask about it again. Thats when i began to talk to *Andy. He was *Brayden's best friend and i had hoped he could share some light in why he was being such a dick to me. Andy was going through his own problems with his best friend *Maddie. They'd been best friends for 4 years and told each other everything but he could feel them growing apart. i understood how he felt and we bonded. We told each other everything. staying up till 3/4 in the morning all through school holidays. Trying to take our minds of the problems we faced. We shared an odd love for star wars and talked about absolutely nothing. and the conversations just got longer and weirder as we got closer. We were in the same friendship group and we had always been friends. but it was that august and september. everything just.. changed...
Talking every night became routine and neither of us could go without it. He became my best friend and i had started to feel better about breaking up with Brayden. I had even started to like him a little bit. but he still want MY brayden...

In september. his parents we're out of town and he was forced to stay home by himself.. seeing it as a opportunity i asked if he could stay at my house instead with 2 of my other friends *Hayle and *Caity. the night was fun. we watched movies and ate so many lollies we could have burst. My 2 girlfriends made fun of us the whole night.. noting we'd been getting closer and closer :P
but we didnt care. we liked the comfort of each other regardles of their teasing. We ended up sleeping in the same bed. much to my mother's horror. meaning i spent the next 3 days convincing her we were just friends and the sleeping arrangements just happened that way and it meant nothing. After that night.. the frienship got a bit cloudy. i still loved brayden with all of my heart. but the affection i showed andy and recieved back made me the happiest  i had felt in a loonnnngg time.

Then in November we ended up confessing we liked each other more than friends. but were both confused as to how strong the feelings were and we didnt want to risk the close friendship we had.. aaaand not to mention he knew how i still felt about Brayden. December we celebrated our formal. The night before however i spent in tears at the knowlege my ex was going to it with some girl he liked.... needless to say i got jealous and wrote some shit on facebook which i regreted straight after... her friends had a go at me and and threatened my friends for sticking up for me. I also regret the self harm i did that night.. i told no one but Andy. who gave me the biggest hug i've ever recieved as soon as i saw him the next day. The formal turned out better than expected and no one was bashed. We danced and took a million photo's capturing the fun event... It was the after party however that was the best.. and Worst part of the night however.
We had our first ever alcohol party and we all got a bit drunk. Brayden was such a happy drunk. He'd spent the last 5 months ignoring my existence but that night he wouldnt take his eyes off me. and kept hugging me and talking to me. with the occasional grope of the ass...   Needless to say i was confused as hell... My attention was on him the whole night and all my friends got pissed at me for it.. Specially Andy. He couldn't believe i was ignoring him for the guy who treated me like dirt. But that was nothing until..the kiss...
In our drunken state. me and brayden had a private talk in a separate room and began to talk about our relationship. i heard wrong and thought he ssaid he still loved me.. which was understandable at the time concidering he had his arms around me dor the first time in months and was starring deep into my eyes... im pretty sure i initiated the kiss. but the truth stands he kissed me right back with no hesitation. UNTIL... Damn Andy walks in. then freaking runs off to my room crying. There goes my perfect night... I might have been a tad selfish that night.. but i thought i had deserved some happiness affter all the shit that had happened.. the rest of the night happened fast.. Brayden was still touchy feely with me afterwards and we ended up kissing again sometime through the night to be stopped by Caity... damn party pooper.. but i guess it was for the best..

Me and andy faught so badly afterwards... he acted as if i had cheated on him and i got pissy and annoyed and ignored him for a while till he calmed down... it seemed to have worked.. he said sorry and just didnt wanna lose my friendship and we ended up forgiving each other.


Few days later. He came over for a star wars marathon we had planned for ages.. he didnt hate me which was good and that night we got even closer. we fell asleep cuddled up together on the lounge waking up the next morning and finding out he was allowed to stay another night. the next night we watched horror movies in the other loungeroom and he hugged me cause i was frightened.. holding my hand throughout the night. We looked liek a couple. We -felt- like a couple.. but we weren't and as much as i wanted it.. i knew it couldnt happen if i still loved my Ex. i Knew he liked me. and i coudnt hurt him like that

But by trying not to hurt him. i hurt him even more. Sending mixed signals. We were always together. talking constantly. having i love you more fights was the norm and hugging each other goodbye everydaay. when i hugged no one else. He then left to go to greece and italy for 2 weeks. and we missed each other more than i thought imaginable. texting and Facebooking each other when we got the chance and saying i love you without thinking twice. i -did- love him. i knew i did. i was just unsure if it was the same way i felt about brayden. he came back and gave me a gorgeous necklace im even wearing right now as i type. I stayed at his house for 2 nights and ended up sleeping cuddled up to him in his bed. i could tell we were both thinking what did this all mean. we talked and argued for a few weeks after until i was fianally ready to become more than what we were... i felt so happy but i was scared of losing him too. We began going out but we were both too scared to make the first move. i was his first GF and i was still unsure of how i felt. but on a free wednesday we had we chilled in the park and mucked around a bit. wrestling in the grass had always been a habit of ours.. this time it was different tho.. i had a plan to make this my move.. Pinning him to the ground. sitting on him. i just looked at him and smiled. and then leant down to kiss him. It was... interesting... in a way better than -My-akward  first kiss which i had recieved last year from Brayden in the middle of a maths lesson. needless to say i can't think about maths in the same way anymore. but.. Brayden was a more experienced kisser. where ad Andy wasn't quite sure what he was doing lol :P  but in romantics wise.. it was better.
Valentines Day was the next milestone. My first real valentine and i ended up staying at his house again. he brought me a single red rose at school and gave me a ring he had brought me in Italy. It was so cute. It turned out to be one of the best days of my life.

We celebrate our 3 months together today... I should be happy. and i am... well.. im not exactly sad.. so that. makes me happy right?? IDK.. i guess im more... indifferent really.. but i can't get Brayden off my mind. It's been about 9 months since we'd broken up now and i still find myself thinking about him everyday. I want him to stop acting like i dont exist and i want a normal friendship with him again. and thats all i want... well.. thats all i tell myself.. and andy that i want.. but i know my heart still wants him. i still fantasise about the day he realises he wants me back.. but i know it'll never happen.. and i know im better of without him and with Andy. He cares about me way more than Brayden ever did. But i still cant get over him and im afraid it'll tear me and Andy up soon enough unless i get over him once and for all. but i have no idea how to... >:(

Im SOOOOOOO Confused. Andy makes me happy. but i can still feel it in my heart im still in love with Brayden.. iDk what to do anymore... Im Lost.

oxoxox Indaah